Author Archives: Mark

Song: N/A

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Several

The last week has been pretty busy. I’ve had appointments all over the place, and while I would still prefer to stay home and not go to them, progress is being made on pretty much everything, which is great. No nightmares for the past few days, either.

Let’s see… my appointment with Dr C didn’t go as well as they usually do because it was quite a bit earlier than usual and I wasn’t totally awake and with it yet. I took a cab because I won’t drive like that, but that went alright too. Unfortunately, I don’t remember all that much of the appointment, but we did talk about my nightmares and we are working on my sleep. I’m doing a sleep diary each night until my next appointment and then we’re going to figure out the best way to get me on a schedule and prepared for when/if my nighttime medications are lowered further.

Speaking of which, at my Dr W appointment later that same day, we did just that; we didn’t touch the venlafaxine but my nighttime quetiapine has been reduced from 200 to 150mg. I’m going to be doing the switchover tonight, so we’ll see what happens. J’s aunt was nice enough to take me to the appointment, which I really appreciated. I’m quite comfortable around her and she’s one of the people who makes doing stuff like going downtown to an appointment easier. I enjoy our conversations and I’m very grateful for all her help.

At 7:45 this morning I had an appointment with an orthopaedic surgeon about the tingling in my hands. J (bless her heart) got me out of bed and moving, prodded me into the car, and took me to the clinic. She also sat in on the appointment which was really good because it made things a lot easier for me, and judging by how much I remember of the appointment, I wasn’t too smart. The appointment was very quick, and my right hand is considerably weaker than my left (which surprised me because I’m right handed and I used to be able to… well, you know how some people joke about being able to crush a charcoal briquette in their hand and make diamonds out of it? Well, I used to be able to do that… but with ICE CUBES. Think about that for a second). Anyway, so I should be getting my right arm fixed in the spring with a very common, simple, and usually complication-free surgery. So – progress!

I’ve got a bunch of projects on the go, which is really good. J’s aunt (the one who takes me to my Dr W appointments) mentioned the other day that she wanted an indoor thermometer so I offered to build her one. My sister asked me if I could design and print something for a good friend of hers so I’m going to give that a shot, too. I’ve also got a bunch of other electronics projects on the go, and while I’m working on things, I’m also trying to organize it a little bit, too. I have too much stuff spread out all over the place and not having to hunt through piles of stuff will things easier in many different ways.

As for the rest of the week, I have an appointment with the pulmonologist on Friday. Should be “fun” – as I understand it, they’re going to put me in a box, on a treadmill, breathing into a tube. It’ll be like some kind of elite athlete training thing, but with a fat, out of shape dude who wheezes. I can’t wait.

Since I’ll be busy on Friday, I’m going to try volunteering at the church for a bit on Thursday. I don’t know if it’ll work out but we’ll see what happens. As far as I know, I don’t have anything going on tomorrow. We’ll see what happens.

Stay safe.

Song: “Heart of Glass” by Blondie

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 2?

Ghosts: Pack

The last few nights haven’t gone quite as well as I’d hoped. I’m still enjoying being able to do so much more later in the evenings (it’s amazing the difference that an hour or two makes), and I’m not having too much trouble getting to sleep. Nightmares have been a problem again, though. I remember two for sure last night, one that had me sitting on the edge of the bed trying to remember where I was and that things were okay, and one that got me out into the living room all sweaty and on the verge of panic.

I’m still waking up a few times each night, concerned about what’s locked or closed or turned off or otherwise okay… but I think that when I’m actually sleeping, I’m sleeping pretty well. My CPAP machine has my numbers from a low to to a low three, which is great.

This week is pretty busy. I had a follow-up appointment yesterday for my kidney stuff, and got a lot of information, most of which is really good. The little blob that they saw in my kidney back in 2012 is definitely not a tumour, which is the whole reason I’ve been going to this particular doctor. The last scan found a couple of other things that my GP may want to investigate but for the most part they’re “don’t worry about it unless it bothers you” things. No further follow-ups have been scheduled, so after almost eight years, I’m finally done worrying about kidney stuff, woohoo!

Tomorrow I have appointments with both Dr C and Dr W, neither of which I’m really looking forward to. I’m not really in the mood to talk about how I’m doing or what’s on my mind. It needs to be done, though, and I think Dr W and I are going to lower my venlafaxine this time, which will be good.

Friday I think I’m going to volunteer at the church for a little while. I haven’t been there for several weeks now and getting back to it will get me out of the house for something other than an appointment and it’ll get me talking to people outside my normal circle, too.

I’ve been spending a lot of time working on electronics stuff. Mostly figuring out how to do various things with an Arduino or a Raspberry Pi, but today I spent close to four hours soldering stuff. I’ve mentioned this a couple of times before, but over the years I’ve collected a lot of electronic components and modules, so I decided I’d head down to my workbench, take (most of) the parts out of their bags or bins, and solder the pins on them so they’re usable. Some years ago it would’ve taken me half the time but with my tingly fingers and shaky hands I wasn’t quite as quick with the soldering iron as I used to be. It’s done, though, so no big deal.

Up until today the weather around here has been well above normal. Today it’s about -15C so it’s closer to where it should be, but I really haven’t minded the warmer weather. I used to be a big fan of winter, but ever since I got a motorcycle I’ve been a summer guy. Plus, winter weather is tough on everything, and the salt they put down to help clear the roads is brutal on vehicles. But… I was talking to my mom yesterday and both of us are already noticing that the days are getting longer, so we’re definitely crawling our way out of winter and into spring!

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 2?

Ghosts: Lots

So, here we are – three days into 2020. So far it doesn’t feel too much different than 2019, but that’s okay. I haven’t been feeling all that great the last couple of days. Mostly headaches and nightmares (tent). I missed my Dr C appointment yesterday and didn’t make it to the church to volunteer today. But that’s okay because…

The holidays went very well. Much better than I’d hoped, actually. I wasn’t expecting disasters or anything like that, but I was pretty nervous about some things but it turned out the things I was worrying about never happened.

My sister, brother-in-law, and nephews visited for four days and it was wonderful! I was warned how much they’d grown so I wasn’t too surprised at that, but what shocked me was how they’ve matured – conversations with them are so much different now than they have been in the past, and we were talking about all kinds of things.

The gifts we got for the kids seemed to have gone over well, and my younger nephew asked me to show him how to use the microscope we got him so we spent quite a while going over it and looking at various stuff through it. Some algae, some goop, some cheek cells… even followed a little protist for a while as it swam and bumbled around.

I printed up some things for them, too, and it all seemed to be appreciated. Fishing rod holders and a lure for my brother-in-law, a hairband/clip organizer for my sister, and fall-down targets and an ammo holder for my nephew. As with pretty much everything else I print – if they don’t end up using them, that’s fine because I had fun figuring them out and printing them.

J and I used to be Christmas-y people but we haven’t really been into it all that much for years now, and since I got sick I don’t think we’ve even put up a tree. We weren’t planning on doing it this year, either, but since the kids were coming over we wanted to do something. So I figured what the heck, we’ll decorate a philodendron (I think it’s actually a pothos but we all call it a philodendron). I think it turned out rather well:

We got a couple of amused comments about it, and I don’t think anyone was particularly put off. The kids certainly didn’t care – there were presents for them under it, after all.

But the conversation and jokes were the highlight of the holidays for me. I got to have good conversations with both my sister and brother-in-law, as well as the kids. DM and FA came by one afternoon too (my sister knows FA from a long time ago) and the eight of us talked and laughed and had pizza and… well, it was a wonderful time. It was fantastic to have so many of my favourite people all together like that, and I hope we get to do it again soon – and with even more of my favourite people!

There was only enough room for five people in the car, so I stayed home while J took my sister and her gang to the airport. After they backed down the driveway and rolled down the street, I was amazed at how quiet the house was when there weren’t six people (including a twelve and nine year old) there. It felt wonderful that things had gone so well and the things I’d worried about since mid-November hadn’t happened. I’m still amazed at how well things went.

I’ve been sad a few times since they left. J and I were pooped and the house needed a good cleaning, but I really enjoyed hanging out with my sister and her family and I miss them.

I also feel guilty that the only way that I see my family or friends now is if they come and visit. I don’t do the yearly resolutions thing, but something I really want to do this year is get to where I can finally be the one going out and doing the visiting. I have some ideas and I want to talk to Dr C and Dr W about them, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that this will be the year I finally ring someone else’s doorbell. That’s, uh… not a euphemism.

For now, though, I’m back to puttering and working on things to keep myself busy and my mind and hands working during the day. So far, so good.

Stay safe.

It seems to be a common theme with my posts but I can’t believe how quickly the year has gone by. 2019 was a blur!

J, Fatfish, Dumbfish, Redfish 1, Redfish 2, Lloyd, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, and Buddy the shrimps, and I wish you a safe and enjoyable holiday season and hope that 2020 will be a year of many ups and very few downs for you and those you care for!

This time of year can be trying, whether it’s because of people (near or otherwise), weather, stores, work, time, the length of the day or night, memories, medication, or any of the myriad of reasons that can make you feel unwell or like you don’t belong. It sucks feeling bad but you can get through it. Take care of yourself and remember to rest, eat something other than candy, stay properly hydrated, and move around a bit.

Make some time for yourself doing something you enjoy. Put on some music and tap your toes or dance around to it. Go for a walk and smell the air. Watch that movie you’ve been thinking about. Go onto YouTube and watch some videos of cute animals or something weird, like that Finnish guy who crushes stuff with a hydraulic press. Take a bath and read a book. Do something for yourself.

If you’re having a rough time, please remember that there are people who care about you and who want you to feel better. Please talk to someone, call your local emergency services (i.e. 911), go to the nearest Emergency Room or Crisis Centre, or contact a crisis line. There are some phone numbers and websites on the Resources page that may be useful.

You are not alone!

Stay safe.

Song: Theme From I Dream Of Jeannie by Hugo Montenegro

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Pack

Wow… I thought I hadn’t done a post for two days – three, tops. No idea it had been a week! Lots of stuff has happened, so I suppose the best thing to do is write it out in no particular order using… BULLET POINTS!!!

• Went to the dentist for the first time in… four years? Five? Tried a new one out (my last several visits haven’t been pleasant) and it worked out really well! No cavities, either, and I was complimented several times on my flossing, yay! Only downer was that I may have one cracked molar but that’s going to require some further investigation.
• My sister and her family are visiting my parents. Dad stopped by for a visit before he picked them up at the airport. We had lunch and shot the breeze for a bit before he had to go. My sister and brother-in-law and nephews will be coming over to visit J and me for three days before they fly home. I’m really looking forward to seeing them!
• FA and DM came over on the weekend for a good visit and supper. J and I had a really good time and are still talking about how much fun we had. Neither of us have ever really been big party people but we really enjoy hanging out and doing stuff with friends and family.
• FA also came over one afternoon and we had burritos and geeked out about electronics and project-y stuff and listened to music.
• No volunteering last week or this week – things have been pretty busy both here and at the church. Maybe next week.
• J has done an amazing job dashing into stores to pick up last-minute things before Christmas. She’s a thousand times braver than I am (I know you already knew that), and she’s waaay smarter than I’ve ever been about what time to go into which store (I know you already knew that, too). Thank you, sweetie!!!
• I’ve been keeping very busy when nothing else has been going on, too. I’ve designed and am printing some stuff for my nephews for when they visit, done a lot of electronics stuff… lots of figuring out how to do things, too. I’ve done some writing, some cleaning/throwing out junk. Lots of thinking, too.
• J and I decided we weren’t going to really do gifts this year so we picked a couple of charities and made donations. We also sent some donations to some of the free software and resources we use, which was something else we’d meant to do for some time now.
• With the time flying by the way it has and the weather this winter being unseasonably warm (I’m sure I’ll regret saying that soon enough), I haven’t really gotten into the “spirit” of the season. In some ways that may be a good thing – this time of year can be kind of rough – but I wonder if I’m going to look back in the middle of February and wish that things hadn’t gone by so quickly…
• I’m still enjoying being more alert for more of the evening. It feels good to be functional and creative after supper. I’m still quite groggy in the mornings, but if I know something’s coming up before lunch some day I can kind of plan for it so it’s not too bad.

I’m sure I’m forgetting things – probably some that are important. Like I said, it’s been busy.

In the days before my sister and her family arrive, I think it’s going to be a quiet couple of days. We’ve been invited to a function tomorrow evening at the church that we’ve been volunteering at but I’m not sure what’s going to happen there. A big group of unfamiliar people away from the house… sounds like just the kind of thing I really try to not go to. But we’ll see. I don’t have any appointments this week, but after January 1^st, things start picking up again.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

This past weekend was very good. J had Thursday and Friday off, we went out for supper, FA came over on Friday, and Saturday and Sunday were nice and relaxing. I fell asleep on the couch once, but I remember going over and sitting on the couch to watch a show and I didn’t do any snacking. I’ve been making good use of my extra productive time in the evenings, too.

Today I went for my first eye doctor appointment in four and a half years. I have a couple of odd things with my right eye (it has laser damage and I can’t see a lot of those wiggly lines during the, uh, “wiggly line test”) so they sat me in front of all of their testing machines at one point or another. One involved eye drops to dilate my pupils, after which my optometrist got the brightest light she could find and shone it into my eyes for what seemed like forever. The good news is that my eyes are nice and healthy. I need new glasses for my distance vision but I kind of expected that was going to happen. And it’s been four and a half years…

After my appointment, I went to pick up groceries. When I got outside, I was pretty much blinded – the eye drops wouldn’t wear off for another two hours or so, so my eye-holes wouldn’t close up. And of course it had to be a nice sunny day, with the sunlight bouncing off the clean white snow all over the place.

I’m pretty sure the employee at the store thought I was trying to look like a pirate or something, because I had one eyelid clamped shut and was squinting through the smallest gap I could make with the other. Fortunately, the optometrist and the store are very close to home so it wasn’t too long before I got back into the house where I could close all the curtains and sit in the dim of the basement for a bit.

Either the light or the squinting or something gave me one of those headaches that feels like tides on a beach, except instead of water washing up on the sand it’s waves of rusty steel wool. I wasn’t too productive today as a result.

My folks called and I spoke with them for a little while. I can’t believe how quickly the time is going – my sister and her family are flying into town tomorrow and Dad is driving out here to pick them up at the airport and take them to their place. He’s going to stop in here for a couple of hours tomorrow, which will be really good. We’ll shoot the breeze and exchange really cheesy jokes and talk about all kinds of stuff. I’m looking forward to it!

Other than that, there’s not too much going on. Hopefully it stays that way – at least until my headache goes away.

Stay safe.

Song: “Shingaling” by Tom Swoon

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 1

Ghosts: Pack

Sorry I haven’t been posting that much lately. I usually post in the evenings after J has gone to bed and I’m sitting by myself, thinking about the day. Lately, though, I’ve been enjoying how much better my brain has been working later in the evening, so I’ve been using my brain for a lot of things that it hasn’t been all that good at for the last three or four years. Not really an excuse, I know, but there’s just something I really enjoy about being able to accomplish things. I don’t take that for granted anymore.

The mornings aren’t really much slower than they were before I changed my evening medication time; they’re just slow for longer. It takes longer to get out of bed and I’m groggy for longer, but the grogginess is the kind where I probably shouldn’t do calculus and really shouldn’t drive, not the kind where I’m going to accidentally burn the house down or go outside without pants. I’m still me, just slow and not very smart. But the grogginess does clear up, and as Dr W and I (hopefully) make further reductions to my medications, I will spend less and less time in the morning rubbing my face and staring at my Cheerios, wondering if it’d be smarter to eat them with a toothpick or bamboo skewer than with a spoon.

I have been keeping quite busy during my days, too. I’m not a fan of the melt-freeze-melt-freeze weather we’ve had recently, so I blew the dust off the treadmill, lubricated the belt, and gave it a quick once-over before heaving my but onto it and lumbering along while watching a show. The TV isn’t right in front of the treadmill so I can’t watch it or I’ll eventually shuffle over to the left side of the treadmill and trip on the edge. So instead of the nice big LCD just off to the left, I watch stuff on my trusty phone.

I’ve also been puttering around a lot with electronics projects. Electronics has been a hobby of mine since I was around five years old, and I have a lot of training in the field, but I’ve always been kind of… hesitant? Reluctant? Nervous? …about trusting in the things that I know and doing stuff with them. Over the years, I’ve collected hundreds and hundreds of dollars of bags and boxes of parts and modules and kits that I’ve never used because I’ve been afraid to ruin them. Thanks to Dr C and Dr W, I recognize that that particular behaviour is due to my OCD and anxiety, and they have also given me tools and resources and exercises to help deal with that when it happens.

Therapy and medication and exercises aren’t the only things that’ve helped, though. An equal – or possibly even greater – amount of progress is due to the support and encouragement of my family and friends. J, in particular, has been steadfast in her support of the things I’ve been trying. Even when the dining room table is covered in breadboards and parts and wire and notes and an oscilloscope, she doesn’t yell or give me “the look”. She tells me she’s happy that I’m up and about and doing stuff, and then we either elbow enough stuff out of the way to eat at the table, or we go sit on the couch and eat there. No judgement, no complaints, and she’s always interested in what I’ve been doing. I wouldn’t be able to do a tenth of the stuff I do without her help and support.

Then there’s FA, who has done a huge amount for my self-confidence when it comes to anything technical or mechanical or building things. She didn’t set out to do that (at least, she claims she didn’t), but working on projects with her and figuring out electronics or debating the best way to solve a problem with her is really fun and has made me realize that even the oldest, dustiest knowledge or facts stuck in the bottom drawer of a really beat-up filing cabinet in that part of my brain where most of the lightbulbs have burned out can actually be useful. I don’t need to know everything about something to be able to contribute – even the foggiest recollection of something that may have been similar years ago can be used to look things up and come up with a plan… or to strike something off the list of possibilities.

Okay, I’m kind of getting off track here, but there are a lot of people who I thank daily (sometimes hourly or a couple of times a minute) for all of their help. I really hope they know who they are and that I wouldn’t be up and out of bed and doing things without them. Thank you so much!!

I’ve also been doing a lot of stuff with the printer. My nephews really liked the lithophanes I made for them some months ago, so I plan to make a few more to give them when they visit over the holidays. I’m also working on cases for the little ESP32 boards and I hope to get them figured out enough to give DA a couple to use as cameras for his cottage.

The SDR has been seeing a lot of use, too. Now that I can use it with an old phone, it’s really easy to set up and listen to what’s going on. If I want to crawl through the spectrum and find new signals to listen to I’ll use the computer, but for background sound or a quick check, the phone is really simple to use and works pretty well.

It’s going to take a long time if I go through every single thing I’m working on right now, so I think the best thing to say is that I’m keeping busy during the day. Dr C and Dr W have repeatedly emphasized how important it is to get out of bed, stay off the couch, and keep my brain and body occupied. I don’t have to be the best at anything… or even particularly good at anything. I just need to keep doing stuff, and the more I find it interesting or enjoyable, the better. I think I can comfortably say I’m doing that.

Otherwise, I had a CT scan yesterday, which will hopefully be the last chapter in my kidney saga that began in 2012. I had to be at the hospital for 8:15AM, so J took me (thank you!), which was good because I honestly can’t remember much of the whole thing other than tottering along after her in the hallways and that the person who did the scan was really nice.

In the six days since I changed my evening medication time, I’ve only fallen asleep on the couch once, and there were no signs of Zombie Mark having a 3AM snack. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I’m quite enjoying being able to do things later in the evening, and I’ve taken advantage of it.

Last night brought the first nightmare (life jackets) that I’ve had in a couple of weeks, and while it woke me up and I was scared, I was able to calm down and get back to sleep without having a panic attack or even having to go out into the light of the living room. Not ideal, but certainly better than gasping and shuddering on the floor of the basement bathroom for half an hour or more. Hopefully last night was just a one-off and they’ll stay away for a long time.

I also noticed yesterday that I haven’t felt “lungy” for a while – possibly even more than a week. I’m not sure why that is but I’m definitely not complaining. It would be nice if it never came back, but at the same time I’d like to know what caused it in the first place. Wait… did it go away when I changed my medication time? Hmm…

So… yeah. I’m keeping busy, things are going alright, and I’m getting used to having more of my evenings back.

Stay safe.

Song: “Little Arrows” by Leapy Lee

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

Quick post… BULLET POINTS!

• No volunteering today.
• Changing my medication to 30 minutes before I go to bed has made a huge difference in how my evenings go. It’s only been two nights, but so far I’ve been waaay sharper for waaay longer, and I can make much better use of the evening hours. No Zombie Mark, either.
• I’ve always been kind of a night owl, but for the last three and a half years I haven’t really been too smart starting half an hour after I take my evening medications. But these last two nights, wow.
• Nothing comes without a cost, though, and it’s taking me a while longer to get to sleep and I’m really groggy in the morning. Dr W and Dr C warned me about that, though, and considering that I’m moving my medication time to later in the evening, it makes sense.
• Did a bunch of printing stuff today, some Raspberry Pi stuff, some electronics stuff, some writing, and played around with some programming.
• No plans yet for the weekend but I have no shortage of things to do.

Stay safe.