Tough Time Sleeping Again Last Night

Song: “Magic Power” by Triumph

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Well, last night didn’t go as well as I was hoping. It was well after 4AM when I finally fell asleep. The medications that I’m taking in the evening used to leave me struggling to walk up stairs but for the last while they don’t seem to touch whatever’s going on. Fortunately, I was able to sleep in a bit so that made up for some of the lost time.

I spent a lot of time today writing. It didn’t go very well because I’m a little tired and can’t concentrate enough on things to write coherent sentences. It’s like I have two brains – the one that knows exactly what it wants to write (and how to do it eloquently) and a smaller, dumber one that’s actually in charge of running my fingers. That’s okay, though, because not every day can be a perfect day.

J was ill today so she wasn’t able to take me to my Dr W appointment. He’s usually very good about changing dates around but I figure we could probably just leave things until next week. If something comes up or changes drastically I’ll be sure to call and see if he can fit me in, but I don’t expect anything to go wrong.

I went outside for a little while today. Not long but it was pretty nice outside. The wind was pretty wicked, though – I almost lost my hat.

I’m feeling a bit of pressure about the upcoming holidays. Everything is fine, I just don’t want to disappoint anyone. This will likely be the second year in a row that everyone else has to change their schedules around and do a lot of driving because I can’t and I feel bad about that. My sister and her family is flying in to go to my parents’ place and it would be really good if I could see them, too.

I feel like there’s something else that I wanted to jot down here but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was. I hope that my sleep gets back to normal soon. Staring at the wall or ceiling in the dark isn’t fun.

Stay safe.

Lots More Writing

Song: “Rockin’ In The Free World” by the Moog Cookbook

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

For the first time in a while, I didn’t have any trouble getting to sleep last night. I got up around 9AM and had breakfast.

Hoping to continue the momentum that I’d built from yesterday, I sat down at my computer to continue writing but found that I just couldn’t concentrate enough to get back into it.

I went downstairs and did my mindfulness and worry exercises, and after that I sat quietly for a little bit and thought about what I was going to do today. While I was thinking about laundry, inspiration hit me and I thought of a whole other story to write.

I went back upstairs and sat down at my computer and let the words pour out of my brain again. It felt really good to sit there and spew coherent sentences onto the screen. I think that from now on I should make sure I do my mindfulness and worry exercises right after breakfast – I think that was one of the things that helped change things around.

This afternoon I did some laundry. Not a huge amount but the pile is smaller today than it was yesterday. Doing laundry isn’t what I’d call fun, but I don’t mind it. Besides, it has to be done, right?

Lloyd is doing well. He’s learned that when I show up at the tank in the morning that food is on its way so he swims over to where the hole is that I drop the food through and waits patiently. I fed him and watched him eat for a while. He seems to chew his food a lot – certainly more than the tetras in the big tank do.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr W. I think I’m going to see if it’s okay to switch my appointments to every two weeks instead of every week. Things are going pretty well and I expect that if we do any medication adjustments that they’ll be minor. Dr W also has a good policy for making appointments on short notice if things are going bad, too, so if I need to get in before two weeks is up it won’t be a problem.

Stay safe.

Doing A Lot Of Writing

Song: “Ocean Man” by Ween

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 2

Today has been a pretty good day. I had trouble getting to sleep again and had some nightmares but I woke up feeling pretty decent. I had no idea what I was going to do but had a couple of ideas rolling around in my head.

I put on some music and sat down to do some writing. Things went so well that I spent most of the day in front of the keyboard (which isn’t necessarily a good thing I suppose) and had a good time. It feels good to put pen to paper, so to speak.

My mom called this morning and we discussed some Christmas stuff – gifts and things like that. We’re all cutting back this year, which I think is a good thing. I suppose I’ve matured a bit because I just want everyone to be healthy and happy instead of opening a whole bunch of gifts.

It’s hard to believe how quickly this year has gone by. It seems like it’s just been a week or two since the last holiday season. My parents were right – the older you get, the faster time goes.

J is away at a committee meeting this evening. I had supper by myself and then did some laundry. I’m way behind (again) and it’s building up so I need to get my act together and attack the pile.

I’m looking forward to doing more writing this evening and maybe even tomorrow. I’m not particularly good at it but I enjoy it. I took an English literature course a few years ago and the professor was excellent. Somehow, she made reading hundred-plus year old books and writing essays on them very enjoyable. Since then I’ve really enjoyed jotting down ideas or writing short or long stories as they come to me. It’s relaxing, but only if I’m in the right mood. On days where I can’t concentrate it can be quite frustrating.

Stay safe.

The Weekend Went By Quickly

Song: N/A

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 1

This was a good weekend. I managed to catch up on some sleep which was really good. J and I hung out a lot and there was no pressure to do anything.

I spent a lot of time doing mindfulness exercises and got a lot of thinking in, too. I didn’t accomplish anything earth-shattering but it felt good to ponder things. Like I said – no pressure to do anything so I didn’t feel like I had to come up with answers to my questions.

J and I have been watching The Muppet Show. It amazes me that we’re watching stuff that was filmed 41 years ago. I remember growing up with the muppets and thought it was the greatest thing in the world.

WG is away tomorrow so we won’t be getting together to go to the record store. Hopefully next week when he’s back I’ll get my stuff together and be ready to go shopping when he is.

I hope that I will be able to get to sleep on time this evening. Getting to sleep after 5AM is not so good. I find that when I’m in bed it’s very difficult to relax – all of my muscles are tense. I try progressive muscle relaxation and it works but minutes later I’m tense again. J suggested that this may be a side-effect of the venlafaxine increase that I’ve had lately. I hope that regardless of the cause it eases up soon.

Stay safe.

Pretty Tired…

Song: “The Boys in the Bright White Sports Car” by Trooper

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 0

I had trouble sleeping again last night. It was after 5AM before I finally fell asleep, and I think I only got about two or so hours. I did manage to get in a nap in the late morning and that helped quite a bit. I really hope that whatever’s going on with my sleep clears up quickly. My mood is still good but I don’t know how long it’ll stay that way if I keep getting so little sleep.

I didn’t do a lot today. Between feeling tired and wanting to try to get some more sleep, I spent a lot of time listening to records with the volume down a bit to see if I’d doze off for a while.

J and I finished watching Community last night. I think this is my third time through but I’m still sad when it ends.

J went to a craft show after work with her cousin. They had a good time and J brought home a bunch of neat stuff, including some turtle brownies which were really tasty. I’m glad that J goes out and enjoys herself.

The weekend is here and I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I think I’ll ask J if she has a bit of time to help me with the garage and then she can start parking the car in there. That’ll be nice for her in the mornings – no more scraping and brushing.

Stay safe.

Still Having Trouble Sleeping

Song: “One Headlight” by the Wallflowers

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 0

I’m still having a heck of a time getting to sleep. I’m tired when I go to bed but for some reason I just can’t get to the point where I nod off. I think I got maybe around three hours of sleep last night. I fell asleep this afternoon while I was listening to some records but it was only for about half an hour. I need to get more sleep soon. I’m not in rough shape or anything yet, but if this keeps up things will start getting bad again.

Sleep aside, my day went well again. I spent quite a bit of time listening to records. I’m just about caught up on my “to listen” pile. I think I’ve said this before but there’s some music that just sounds better with the clicks and pops that an old record has. Old country music is a really good example.

It’s quite mild outside today so I went for a short walk. Nothing extreme, just around the neighbourhood.

After I got back, I spent a little bit of time at my electronics bench, mostly just taking a quick mental inventory of what I’ve got on hand. It still needs a lot of cleaning up before I should use it again.

After that, I spent some time reading the biology book that J gave me a while ago. It’s been quite some time since I last read it but I really enjoy it. I find biology (and microbiology) fascinating. It amazes me that we’re just big bags of chemicals and electrical impulses but we can do things, talk to each other, and think.

J and I have two episodes of Community left. I’m going to be sad that it’s over (again) and I hope we watch it again sometime. We need to figure out what we’re going to watch next, though. Maybe some Columbo. Maybe we’ll go back to watching old westerns again. I’m not sure. We’ve got lots to choose from.

It’s supposed to be warm but windy tomorrow. I might hop out to the garage to finish tidying it up. It’ll be a lot nicer to do that now than when it’s -25C.

Stay safe.

A Little Tired But Good

Song: “Get Over You” by the Undertones

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 1

It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. My evening medications used to kick the heck out of me and I’d be falling asleep on my feet, but that doesn’t seem to happen anymore. I’m not complaining, just noticed the difference. I’m a little tired again today but it’s not too bad.

On the upside, today was another good day. I didn’t have any trouble keeping myself busy which I must admit I’m really enjoying. It’s so much better this way than only being able to think about going back to bed or sitting on the couch. It feels good to sit down somewhere because I want to, rather than because I fell like I have to.

My mindfulness and worry exercises went very well today. I didn’t have any trouble clearing my mind and it was easy to focus my attention on the present instead of worrying about the past or future. I’m very grateful that I’ve been taught mindfulness exercises – they resonate well with me. I think I will continue to work mindfulness into my day for the rest of my life.

I listened to some more records today. I’ve got to say that one of my favourite records of all time is the Undertones’ first album. It makes me tap my toes and smile every time I hear it.

Once again, I spent more time at my electronics bench, putting components back into their proper drawers and tidying up a little bit. There’s still a long way to go but it’s better than it was.

I did some more writing today, too. I’m working on a short story right now. I’ll probably never finish it, but I find that writing is a relaxing and enjoyable way to spend some time.

My appointment with Dr W went very well, too. He was happy to hear that things are going well and cautioned me to not despair if I have a bad day once in a while. Everyone has them, and having one doesn’t mean that I’m on another downward slide. I need to remember that. We also spoke quite a bit about my medications and decided to leave everything alone for the time being.

I’m very lucky that Dr W kept me on as a patient after I left the hospital. He is encouraging and helpful but doesn’t sugarcoat anything. He’s not condescending, and I appreciate that when it comes to making decisions about my treatment, he includes me in the discussion.

With luck, I’ll sleep a little better this evening and feel even better tomorrow.

Stay safe.

Moving Along Pretty Well

Song: N/A

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 1

Today has been another decent day. I think I slept pretty well but I’ve been a little tired all day. Not a big deal, though.

My Dr P appointment went well. Now that I have several different tools available to me, we’re looking at which one is the best to use in which situation. We’re also talking about values, which I’m happy about.

After my appointment I managed to get in and get a haircut. I always leave it too long and wait until it’s driving me nuts before I do something about it. There’s something that feels good about a nice, fresh haircut, too.

When I got home I had lunch, then listened to some records and spent some more time at my electronics bench. I’ve got a couple of ideas for projects that I’d like to try but nothing solid quite yet.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr W. I expect it will go well.

Stay safe.

A Good Start To The Week

Song: “The Lonely Bull” by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 1

Today went by very quickly. I didn’t accomplish a whole lot but I had a decent time.

It was very nice outside. I went out for a short while and enjoyed the mild weather. The wind has come up now and the temperature has dropped (and should drop some more tomorrow) so I’m glad I got out today.

I spent a fair amount of time at my electronics bench. I didn’t build anything but I spent a lot of time thinking about the kinds of things I’d like to build. I’ve got a wide variety of parts – the trick now is figuring out what to do with them.

On my way upstairs for lunch, I noticed there was a package sitting on the front step. There was also a delivery notice in the mailbox for a second parcel. I was home (and awake) all day and I didn’t even hear a knock at the door. Guess they don’t do that anymore.

After lunch I went back to the electronics and puttered around a little more before listening to some records. It felt very good to just sit back and let the music play.

I think this is going to be a good week. I have an appointment with Dr P tomorrow and after that I hope to get a haircut, which I desperately need. Wednesday is my Dr W appointment and I’m looking forward to telling him about how I’m feeling.

Something that’s been going through my head is when is the right time for me to go back to work? I know I’m feeling pretty good right now but that last rut I was stuck in was pretty brutal – there’s no way I’d be able to work during that, and it lasted several weeks. I wish there was a way to know when or if I was going to feel that bad again.

There’s still no way I can go back to my old position. It’s not going to happen. I really hope that when I’m ready to go back that there is another job that I can do. I wouldn’t mind if I had to take some courses or something to be ready for it, either. I guess we’ll see what happens when it’s time.

Stay safe.

Ready To Start The Week

Song: Theme from Knight Rider, by Stu Phillips

Mood: 8

Nightmares: 0

This weekend went quite well. I watched an awful lot of Knight Rider but I had a good time doing it. All the continuity errors, shortcuts, and poor stunts didn’t bother me a bit. I only have the first two seasons on DVD but it was more than enough to satisfy any Knight Rider craving I had.

I had a really hard time getting to sleep Friday night. It was after 4AM when I finally dozed off and I was awake again for good at around 10AM. I’m not sure why it was so hard to get to sleep. Maybe it was because J wasn’t around, maybe I ate the wrong thing for supper, who knows.

Saturday afternoon I finally went outside and dealt with the toilet that’s been sitting on the deck. It wouldn’t fit in the garbage can so I just dropped it over the deck railing to break it up. It broke alright – I think I’m going to be finding porcelain shards in the back yard for the next ten years.

After I was done that, I spent some time in the garage cleaning up and getting it ready to put the car in. We’ve been really fortunate with the weather we’ve had so far this winter but it won’t last forever, and it’s not fair to J if she has to scrape two inches of ice off the car before she can go to work.

Saturday evening I did some writing and then settled in to watch more TV. It didn’t take me very long to fall asleep that night.

J got home this afternoon and it was very good to see her again. She had a great time over the weekend but was happy to be home. I’m glad she got out and had a good time.

I know I mentioned this just a couple of days ago but I’m really happy with how my nightmare situation is evolving. I haven’t woken up from one for several days now and I really hope things stay that way. The odd one every once in a while is okay (and probably normal) but having them every night is not fun. The other good thing is that the intensity of the nightmares has been decreasing as time goes on and I do the exposure exercises, too. All in all, I’m happy with how that stuff is going.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to go record shopping with WG. I think I may set two alarms to keep me from sleeping in like I did last week. It will be good to see WG again.

Stay safe.