Monthly Archives: January 2018

Song: “Inactive” by ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 3

I didn’t sleep all that well again last night but I’m getting by. I almost dozed off during my mindfulness exercises this morning but I startled myself awake by snoring.

The ERP work with the keys and bathroom fan is still going well, and I am looking forward to working on new triggers. So far it’s been a lot easier this time around. The only thing I’m worried about is how being more comfortable with things inside the house will translate to when I’m out of the house. I can do all the ERP at home I want, but if I can’t get out of the house without being miserable it will be a problem.

I was pretty busy today and spent very little time on the computer. I did some laundry, tidied up the kitchen a bit, and made supper. I really don’t like raw meat – especially chicken. For whatever reason it just grosses me right out and I won’t touch it with my bare hands. Today – for the first time in years – I made chicken for supper. I was very careful to dump it out of the container without touching it into a ziploc bag to season it. Once I was done squishing it around in the bag (blurgh), it went right into the baking dish with some parchment paper and into the oven. Didn’t touch it once, although felt pretty gross through the ziploc bag. Turned out okay, I think. Neither of us are sick, so I’ll call it a success.

I enjoy cooking as long as it’s pretty simple stuff. I can’t handle more than one or two pots or pans going at the same time because it stresses me out, and when it comes to cooking meat I usually ask J if she can confirm that it’s cooked. We have thermometers but for whatever reason I always worry that I’ve undercooked things. I’m not too worried about hamburger because it’s pretty easy to tell when it’s cooked thoroughly (and it’s too small to stick a thermometer into anyway).

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr P. J is coming to pick me up (bless you!) but I’m really not looking forward to going. It’s nothing about Dr P, I just really don’t want to go out. I’m tempted to ask him if he does sessions over the telephone but I have a feeling that J wouldn’t be too impressed if I did that.

Today has been a pretty decent day. It felt good to keep busy and get some things accomplished around the house.

Stay safe.

Song: Closing credit theme from Spongebob Squarepants

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 3

I’m still not sleeping all that well. I’m waking up quite a few times during the night and for some reason I can’t get back to sleep after J leaves for work. I haven’t made any medication changes since I stopped taking the haloperidol back on January 3^rd so it shouldn’t be related to that. Fortunately, I think I’m still getting enough sleep to get by – I don’t feel like I’m in really bad shape or anything. It would be nice to feel a little less draggy during the day, though.

The ERP with the keys and bathroom fan is going well. I’ve been able to keep myself from checking and re-checking on all of the attempts so far, and it’s getting easier with each passing day. I haven’t gone outside yet but we had a bit of a snowstorm today so I’m going to need to go out and clear the driveway sometime soon. Maybe I’ll get lucky and it’ll all blow away overnight…

I’ve been keeping myself busy around the house. I did some laundry today and spent some time playing with electronics. Nothing too fancy, just puttering around and trying to remember some of the things I’ve forgotten over the years. I’d like to take out the microscope again sometime soon – there are some things in the fish tank I want to take a look at.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 4

I haven’t slept all that well for the past few days. I’ve been having more nightmares than usual and I wake up a lot. I’m not sure what’s going on but hopefully it’s something that won’t last very long.

The ERP has been coming along. I forgot what one of the targets was (I should’ve looked at my last entry) and have been working on the bathroom fan instead of the freezer lid. The good news is that both the fan and checking the keys are going well. I didn’t go outside this weekend but I think I’m going to start working on that this coming week.

J and I watched some more episodes of Columbo this weekend. We’re into the fifth season and the episodes aren’t quite as well written as the previous seasons. They’re still entertaining, though.

I’ve fallen down the YouTube rabbit hole a few times, too. Everything from dumb people doing dumb things to themselves, to people playing nasty tricks on their boyfriends/girlfriends, to spoiled brats, to watching gamers freak out when they lose. There’s a lot of stuff out there. I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a YouTube channel a couple of times over the years but I have no idea what I’d do with it.

I’ve been thinking about work again. I try not to but it keeps creeping into my head. As a result, I’ve been clenching my jaw quite a bit over the last little while and giving myself a headache. I try to relax my jaw but as soon as I stop paying attention to it I clench again.

I’ve also been craving sugar like crazy. I would happily fight a bear for a chocolate bar right now. I’ve tried to trick myself by having strawberry jam or adding a bit of brown sugar to my cereal in the morning, but no luck. Mark want candy.

Other than that, not much is going on. I’m not sure what I’m going to do this coming week but I’ll keep myself busy.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 1

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I’m not sure why but I kept waking up and felt like I needed to flip over. I also woke up when J left for work and couldn’t get back to sleep.

So today has been a bit of a long day.

My appointment with Dr P today was rough; not because of Dr P, but because the one overriding thought in my mind was that I needed to get home. We did get some stuff accomplished, though. In addition to trying two ERP targets at home (keys and freezer door this week), we’ve started to put together a list of places I can go that are outside the house. We’ve put them in order from least (0) to impossible (100) and I’m going to be starting in on that, too.

I’m tired and more than a little embarrassed that I have to do this stuff again. I thought that by now I’d be driving all over town (or at least to the places I used to be comfortable driving to) and maybe even being able to visit my parents. But nope – I can’t even go out to the garage or back door without getting an attack of the heebie jeebies.

I guess that since I have done it before (and have journal entries proving it), I can do it again. Hopefully it will be like the ERP I’ve done lately and be easier than it was last time.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 2

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I had two nightmares. One just woke me up but I was able to get back to sleep pretty quickly, while the other was like how I used to get them. I had to get out of bed and walk around the house in the light for a while before I calmed down enough to try to get back to sleep. No panic attack, fortunately, but I haven’t had a nightmare like that for a while now.

I worked on the ERP with the garage door again today and was successful on all three attempts. I only had time for three because of my appointment this afternoon, and I’m not doing the garage door at night. I’m not confident enough to say that I’m done with the garage door – I’d like to work on it for a few more days just to be sure. I’ll have to see what Dr P says about that. I’m also thinking about what I should work on next. There are dozens of them, some more distressing than others.

My appointment with Dr W was difficult again today. I was dreading going out and by the time J got home to pick me up, I was already winding myself into knots. I did grounding and mindfulness exercises while she drove and that helped a bit. Dr W was happy to hear that the ERP is going well and we decided to not make any medication changes. I will see him again in two weeks unless something happens and I need to see him sooner. All I could think about during the appointment was how badly I wanted to be back at home.

I have my appointment with Dr P tomorrow. I am not looking forward to leaving the house again. Once a week is plenty, I think. I wonder if he does sessions over the phone…

Stay safe.

Song: “Home For A Rest” by Spirit of the West

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 1

Today went pretty well. I slept well last night and found it easy to do my exercises.

I worked on the ERP with the garage door again today. Of five attempts, I was successful in keeping myself from checking for more than 100 minutes four times. I only checked on the first try. I put my results from the last few days into a graph and the good news is that my anxiety from the garage door is definitely decreasing. I’m going to work on it again tomorrow – who knows, maybe I’ll be successful at all of my attempts.

I have an appointment with Dr W tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to. The thought of leaving the house bothers me a lot. J will be driving me (as usual), and she always makes things easier, but I still really don’t want to go. I feel the same about my Dr P appointment on Thursday. I don’t know if I should take a PRN before leaving the house or if it’s better if I don’t. I don’t like taking them, but my appointments last week were pretty rough.

A letter from my disability insurance company arrived today. I felt ill – the first thing I thought of was that it was a letter informing me that my coverage was being cancelled. I put the letter aside and thought I’d let J open it, like I did with the last one. After about an hour I finally decided to open it up. Fortunately, it was just an update about rates and had nothing to do with losing coverage.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

This has been a good long weekend. J had Friday and Monday off so we got some stuff done around the house and had lots of time to hang out. We had time to watch a couple of episodes of Columbo, and J made a really good batch of chicken soup from scratch.

Last week I’d been working on ERP with the stove. It turned out to be easier than I’d expected so I called Dr P and suggested if I could work on something more difficult. I’ve been working on the garage door since Friday, with mixed results. Out of the eleven attempts so far, I was able to keep from checking for longer than 100 minutes four times. For the most part it’s getting easier, though, which is a good sign.

It’s a lot easier when I do things to distract myself instead of just sitting there and thinking about it. Anything from talking with J, to listening to music, to watching people do dumb things on YouTube helps keep the urge to check at bay. I hope the work I’m doing now pays off when I next go to leave the house.

I’m not sure what I’ll work on next. Possibly the door locks, but I’ll have to think about it. It would be wonderful if whatever happened to me over the last couple of weeks with my OCD decided to go away on its own. Way back when I was first seeing Dr C, she said that I was suffering from an episode. Perhaps that’s what’s going on now. If that’s the case, do I need to worry that things are going to get rough every once in a while forever? I guess the other side of that coin is that the ERP seems to be easier this time around, so maybe it keeps getting easier and takes less time.

J is back at work tomorrow so I’ll be by myself. I’m going to work on the garage door again and probably do some chores around the house. I may try going for a walk around the block. Last time I tried I couldn’t do it but maybe with the ERP work I’ve been doing things will be different.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

Today went pretty well. J had the day off so we hung out and did some stuff.

I called Dr P this morning and told him that the ERP with the stove had gone well and I wanted to try another, tougher trigger. We decided on the garage door, which has proven to be much more difficult. So far I’ve only been able to last about half an hour before I couldn’t help but check. I’ll work on it more tomorrow and see if it gets better. The freezer and oven worked out well, so there’s no reason the garage door shouldn’t.

I’m hoping that the more things I get through with the ERP, the less likely I’ll be bothered by other triggers. When I did ERP with Dr C, it helped immensely, so I expect this time around to be the same.

Something I’ve found interesting is that – even when I was in the hospital – the professionals that help me with my recovery often seem surprised that I’ve done the work that they asked me to. I don’t know if they were expecting me not to or if it’s just their way of being encouraging. Maybe it’s how they’re trained to react. I take my recovery seriously and try to do any homework as well as possible; after all, I’m the one who will reap the benefits.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Today went better than I was expecting. I boiled water on the stove, turned the element off, and then left the kitchen. Each time I was able to keep myself from going into the kitchen and checking the stove. If things go well again tomorrow, I think I will call Dr P and see about trying to knock another trigger or two off the list this weekend. I’m a little dismayed at having to do this stuff again but it seems to be easier than my first time around.

I also hope that working on various triggers while I’m inside the house translates to me being more relaxed when I leave the house. J has offered to go on little trips with me to see how things go and I think I will take her up on it.

Aside from the ERP, I puttered around the house and kept myself occupied, doing some writing and listening to music. Lloyd is getting good at coming over to say hi when I approach his tank but I think it has more to do with him expecting to get fed.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 1

I had appointments with Dr P and Dr W today. With my current difficulties I am having trouble getting out of the house by myself, so J took some time off work to come home early and take me to my appointments (thank you again).

My Dr P appointment was difficult. I kept thinking of all of the things that could be wrong at home and how badly I wanted to be back there. We worked on some grounding and are going forward with the ERP. This week I’m going to be working on the stove. The plan is to work on it four or five times a day for the week.

After I was done my appointment, J was waiting outside in the car. We went directly home and spent about half an hour sitting around before it was time to head out to see Dr W. I was very glad for that bit of time – being at home for a bit helped, I think.

My appointment with Dr W was also difficult. We didn’t make any medication changes, which is fine. He encouraged me to work with Dr P on the ERP, stay active, and try to not get too down about what’s going on.

It was a huge relief to be back home. J is helping me a lot with things like the garage door and the locks, which I really appreciate.

I hope that what’s going on right now is very temporary. Things were going very well for a while there and I would like to be back to that.

Stay safe.