It Wasn’t A Good Day

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Horde

This is going to be a short post – I don’t feel like writing and I don’t want to spend an hour and a half staring at a screen and getting nowhere again.

Today wasn’t great. I spent most of it steeping in self-doubt and being unable to haul myself off the couch except to worry around the house, chasing the stupid ghosts and sitting in front of the furnace and hot water tank. I sent out my texts then fiddled around with some 3D design stuff and then went back to the couch. I watched part of some crappy movie on Netflix (no shortage of those, it seems).

The replacement part for the printer arrived. I couldn’t gather up enough enthusiasm or confidence to do the swap. Fortunately, it still works with the broken part.

My folks called this afternoon. It was good to hear from them.

At some point later in the afternoon I wandered over to the sewing machine and got another towel

[Something just made a big %&*@$# boom. I think it was the roof, may have been the deck. I can’t find anything wrong inside and it didn’t wake J up. It’s very cold out tonight and the house always makes noises when it gets really cold. ALWAYS, even since the first winter after we moved in, and everything has always been ok. The deck might be leaning against the house a bit but that shouldn’t be a problem and there’s nothign I’m going to be able to do about it at 1AM on a bitter winter night. It’s a normal sound, just something shifting slightly in the cold. The house is 50 years old, it’s bound to make some sounds. I don’t think it came from inside, everything looks okay – the pipes aren’t frozen and everything looks normal and where it’s suppose do oto be. The fireplace is running too and the fan is circulating the heat in the basement so that’s working properly. Even if the furnace dies, the fireplace should be able to keep the house from getting too cold before morning. While I typed that laest sentence, the furnace fired up normally and seems to be working fine. I will do another wander around in a oucple of minutes to make sure things are ok]

I got another towel done. It wasn’t much but it was better than nothing I suppose. I’m now out of green fabric, moving on to blue next.

Spent most of the evening downstairs, accomplishing very little.

Tomorrow’s another day.

Stay safe.

Feeling Pretty Wrung Out

Song: “Walter Walter (Lead Me to the Altar)” by Gracie Fields

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

Today was not a particularly great day. Part of it was because I finally got something off my plate that’s been really bothering me for a while now. That will be a good thing in the end but doing it wasn’t simple or easy. I had an appointment with Dr C this afternoon – those are always tough. The cab arrived ten minutes early so I had to rush out the door, I was out and about for twice the amount of time that I had planned, and when I finally got home there was a letter from the insurance company in the mailbox.

So today managed to push a lot of the wrong buttons.

After I got home, I should’ve gone out and cleared the driveway but instead I put on some loud music, sat on the couch (upstairs) and tried to both calm myself down and cheer myself up. Didn’t have much luck, and despite turning the music up several times, I still couldn’t keep from trying to track stuff down. The air was cold today but the sun felt quite warm, and the house was making all kinds of noises.

I was really glad when J got home. We had supper, hung out for a while, and then watched an episode of Sherlock. I still don’t know where I sit with that show. Oh, and the letter from the insurance company was a cheque for backpay, so now I feel like a dumbass for worrying about it so much.

Well, this so far is the result of 105 minutes of typing and deleting and typing and deleting. I should probably quit while I’m only somewhat behind. Tomorrow’s a new day.

Stay safe.


Song: “Fortune Teller” by Bobby Curtola (and JEEBUS it’s annoying)

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Several

Today has been a pretty good day. I didn’t sleep too badly last night (no nightmares, whoo!), and only woke up four or five times because I was worrying about stuff.

Today I woke up and got out of bed as quietly as I could to try and not disturb J, then fed and said hi to Lloyd, and got myself some breakfast. I’m still doing the egg thing in the morning and while I’m not sure if it’s helping me psychologically, I like eggs and I don’t start to feel weird and shaky until later in the day (I don’t really get hungry anymore so I either eat by the clock, with J, or when my body starts to feel like it’s full of fat and very confused honeybees). I’m also not interested in doing any kind of weird diet (remind me to tell you someday about the diagnostic diets one of my doctors put me on), but having an egg or two in the morning means I’m eating less stuff that’s packed with sugar. Sorry Raisin Bran – I love you dearly – but I can see the sugar clinging to your raisins. I’ll keep eating you every day, just maybe in smaller portions.

J’s mom came over today for a quick visit. She’s in town for some kind of family gathering and it was great to see her. She brought over a couple of parts from their whirlpool tub and asked if I could make a set of parts that they could use to plug the intakes and outlets. They only turn on the jets a couple of times a year, and when they’re not using it, they’re not too keen about water stagnating inside the plumbing and then coming out when they take a bath or shower. I gave no guarantees but I’m happy to give it a shot. I tried to not be too rude but I started working on it while she was still here in case I had any questions about how things fit. The three of us still had a pretty good conversation though!

Jet Teb Replacement Parts

Not too bad for a first try. Now let’s hope it fits…

Oh, and just to clarify – the word “Apocalypseapalooza” doesn’t have anything to do with my mother-in-law visiting. Just wanted to clear that up.

J and I have been trying out different stuff on Netflix lately and it seems that we have been watching a lot of end-of-the-world stuff. Bird Box the other week, then The World’s End the other day, A Quiet Place yesterday, and How It Ends this evening. Three VERY different movies. My opinions of them have been changing from day to day. I didn’t care for The World’s End when I first saw it, but it’s starting to grow on me and I might have to give it another watch. J and I have both been enjoying having a metric digital buttload (it’s the official SI unit) of shows available to watch. J’s been watching a lot of organizing stuff, and I’ve been checking out the sci-fi shows and movies.

Well, I just got my last batch of parts for my in-laws’ whirlpool tub and one of them definitely isn’t going to work. I should get going and see if I can figure out where I went wrong before I fall asleep in my chair.

Stay safe.

Doing Okay So Far This Week

Song: “I Think I Love You” by The Partridge Family

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Pack

Sorry I haven’t written that much this week – J and I have been staying up too late watching TV and I just don’t have the oomph left in me to put anything together. Actually, I’m pretty much wiped out now too, so this will probably be another short post.

It’s been wonderful around here with J being around. She doesn’t even have to do anything – just be herself, and she makes everything a lot more interesting. We have done everything this weekend from watching movies to cleaning stuff up, to just sitting around and talking, to doing entirely separate things. It’s been really great.

So the front knob on my printer jammed up. I was adjusting the printer bed temeperature and it got a little stiff. A quarter-turn later and it was stuck fast. I tried everything I could think of, with no luck. Fortunately, even though I bought the printer from Amazon, it was provided by a seller in Ontario who says they’ll need a bit more information and then they’ll ship me out the replacement part. I last talked with them om Monday and haven’t heard from them since… maybe I’ll give them another call tomorrow to make sure they got my email.

The good thing is that I can still print via USB, and today I played around with my Raspberry Pi stuff and set up an Octopi server for the printer which lets me control almost everything from another computer, as well as start/pause/stop jobs, and even view a webcam feed if there’s one attached to the Pi. I’ve run two prints through it so far and it’s been working pretty solidly so far.

Ugh, I’m sorry everyone – I have hit the wall and can no longer put anything useful together. I wish you all a good night and pleasant dreams.

Stay safe.

It’s Going To Be A Good Week

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 2+

Ghosts: Several

Just a quick post – it’s already pretty late.

I had nightmares (tent) last night for the first time in a while. Not great but hopefully it’ll be a while before I have them again.

This weekend has been decent. J and I ran out of The Good Place, so we’ve now moved onto Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Sherlock. I’ve also been watching the new Lost In Space. I’m not sure where I sit on it so far – parts of it are really great, while others are… not. But it’s still new and every show takes a while to get traction. Right now I’d put it below the original but waaay above the 1998 movie.

I ran out of glue sticks for the printer on Thursday, but J was nice enough to pick one up to tide me over until the order arrived (thank you!!!). The order got here on Sunday and I now have 15 glue sticks, plus the one I’m already using. That should keep me going for six months or so. While I didn’t have any glue I took the opportunity to clean everything again, including giving the bed glass a good wash. The very first print I tried after J picked up the glue stick worked like a charm.

I made a conscious effort to try and get through the weekend without thinking about that stuff that’s been really bothering me. I made it to this evening, which I guess is okay but thinking about it makes me feel very uncomfortable and angry. Dr C and I worked out a plan during my last appointment and J is on board; it should all be done and over with this week. I really, really hope I can let it go after it’s all done.

Here’s the best news – J has this week off! I am very much looking forward to hanging out with her, watching TV, talking about all kinds of stuff, figuring out how to organize the drawers in the bathroom, making meals together, trying to figure out what the rabbits in the yard are thinking… all kinds of stuff. Just being in the same room with her makes me feel better.

Well, I should probably end this here. Have a good week everyone!

Stay safe.

Not Feeling That Great Right Now

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Horde

Didn’t sleep that well last night. Kept waking up worried about yesterday’s appointment so I was a little more tired than usual. When that happens, I usually have a harder time with the ghost chasing, and today was no exception. I spent far too much time running around and staring at stuff, listening, touching, or sniffing the air. It was quite frustrating.

I’m still quite bothered about Dr W’s (and the old ward’s) move. The more I think of it, the more I think the psych area is a dump, which means one of three things: one, they’re going to renovate, which involves workers, loud noises, and paint. Two, they’re going to move people to another floor – one that’s been renovated and doesn’t look like the inside of a well-stripped Radio Shack from 1988.

I’m also having lots of trouble with that one person that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I don’t want to talk or think about them at all, but I don’t seem to have much choice and it’s been on my mind a lot.

It seems I can get about 20 prints out of one Elmer’s glue stick (the All-Purpose kind that comes in a 1.4oz (40g) tube, and it’s the only thing so far that I have been able to get decent results with. When J and I went to the dollar store yesterday, we couldn’t find any Elmer’s glue sticks but I thought that the Elmer’s liquid glue would’ve been the same kind of glue, just with more water or other things to keep it liquid. So, I cleaned the printer bed, poured on some glue… and nothing stuck. I cleaned the bed again, tried it again. Nope. After attempt number five I gave up, scraped and wiped the liquid glue off the bed, and went back to using my backup stick. Unfortunately, there was only a tiny bit in it so I couldn’t get the work area covered. So… nothing accomplished on that end today.

We put in an Amazon order this evening for some stuff (I ordered 15 tubes of Elmer’s all-purpose glue stick).

So yeah, I’m pretty bummed out. Stuff is bothering me, I’m having difficulty processing it, the house is making weird noises, and trying to get the plastic to adhere to the printer bed almost had me banging my head against the wall.

I’m going to bed and I’m hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

Stay safe.

Rough Afternoon

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Horde

Today started out reasonably well. I woke up a few times last night, worrying about things, but overall it wasn’t too bad of a sleep.

Breakfast was Raisin Bran and a couple of pieces of toast with peanut butter on them. I’m not a big fan of peanut butter but I’ve been known to eat it when I’m in a pinch.

My morning went well. I sent out my texts, slogged away on the treadmill again, and had a quick chat with my folks when they called. I sanded down and put a coat of paint on that hook thing that I made for J yesterday, then began thinking about my next 3D project. There are a lot of things on my list, and I think that as people realize what it can do, they’re starting to think of stuff that I can print up for them. I don’t mind that at all, as long as they realize it’s not going to get done in a day, and that they’re not going to get something that looks like fine porcelain and is stronger than steel. I’ve been really enjoying playing with the printer, though, and making things for people makes me happy.

I shaved and went for a shower before J got home to take me to my Dr W appointment. Dread and anxiety had been doing slow circles around my stomach all morning, and while I waited for J to get home, I could feel things ratcheting up. I played a lot of loud music on my phone to try and keep me from switching to one of my “flop sweat” songs, and I took two PRNs, then sat on the couch and attempted to do mindfulness and some grounding exercises to try and keep things from getting out of control.

J got home a little while later and then we had to do a final check of some paperwork she was bringing in for Dr W to look at, and then we were off to my appointment.

Today was my first appointment since Dr W moved hospitals just before Christmas. J had done a recce a few days ago so she was familiar with the area, but we got caught in slow traffic. I sat there with my eyes closed for most of the drive but I could feel the time flying by.

Eventually we arrived at the parking lot. J paid for parking and then we went to the building and… the doors were locked. We tried a couple more – all locked. I grabbed my phone, did a bit of searching, found the number for the hospital’s switchboard and asked them for help. They transferred me to the outpatient psych desk, at which point a message helpfully informed me that they had closed 15 minutes earlier.

By this point we were over ten minutes late for my appointment and I was starting to have trouble thinking clearly and planning next steps. We went inside another building to get warm (it’s quite cold out today) and figure out what we were going to do, and then found signs leading down into a tunnel system. We followed what we hoped were the right signs and walked for quite a while until we came to some signs and an elevator in what looks like a very worn-out section of the hospital. We took the elevator and emerged into an area that… well, it looked more like the warden’s desk at a dilapidated prison. The desks, walls, furniture… all looked very tired. The wall clock was eight minutes off from a large digital clock sitting on top of a mostly empty shelf of local mental health resource pamphlets. A large fish tank sat on a table, filled with fish I couldn’t identify for certain (perhaps some small tetras, definitely some sucker fish).

Fortunately, Dr W’s office was just around the corner so once we were there we were right there, and he could see us when we arrived. A minute or two later, he called me in and we talked. I wasn’t having a good time and I think he could see that. I told him about all of the time I’m spending thinking about that dirtbag I mentioned a little while ago, and he thinks my plan is a good one. He’s also happy that I’m keeping busy during the day and that I’m doing a slow shuffle on the treadmill.

Once we were done talking, J went in and talked with him about some paperwork relating to my situation. I don’t think she had any trouble – at least she didn’t say she had any, and after he’d finished talking with J, he asked me to come back in to ask me some more questions. Nothing out of the ordinary, just things about whether I hear things (yes), whether I’ve tried to hurt myself lately (no), how am I sleeping (anywhere from really crappy to not too horrible), and how many hours I spend on OCD actions during the day. That was a hard one because things can vary so widely from day to day. Some days I’m chasing ghosts all day, while others (like when J is home) are reasonably peaceful and I can get a lot of stuff done.

Then we were on our way home. As part of my homework from Dr C, I’m supposed to go somewhere with J once a week. I’d love to count my appointments, but apparently that’s not really what Dr C meant. So, despite feeling like crap, I asked J if we could stop at the dollar store on the way home so I could pick up some stuff. Blessedly, it was quiet and nearly empty. We got our stuff, paid, got the hell out of there, and back home. I wasn’t feeling well so I asked J if she needed anything and when she said no, I told her I was going downstairs to sit in the dark and just try to calm down a bit.

Because she’s the most amazing person in the world, J whipped up supper and brought it down so I didn’t even have to move. I really appreciated that. We watched some more The Good Place while we ate, then went back upstairs and did our own stuff for a while.

I still don’t feel well, and I kind of don’t want to go to bed because I’m worried I’m going to have nightmares again. I can’t stay up forever, though.

God, I hope this post makes sense… I’m typing with my eyes closed again.

Stay safe.

Got A Lot Done Today

Song: “Buttons and Bows” by Dinah Shore

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Pack

I stayed up a little late last night working on the headband holder that J was asking about. At some point, I went over to the couch and sat down. I think I wanted to watch another episode of DS9, but instead I woke up suddenly at 3AM, seemingly drowning in my own drool. Unfortunately, my coughing woke J up (sorry about that…) and she came to see if I was okay. After a bit more coughing and clearing my throat, I brushed my teeth and staggered into bed.

After that, I didn’t sleep too badly. I woke up twice, worrying about the dishwasher feed hose and the battery tender for the truck.

My day was pretty busy. I spent about four hours figuring out how to do stuff in Fusion 360 and then fiddling around to design the hairband holder; once I was happy enough with it, I sent it to the printer. I showed J after it finished this evening and she seems to like it. I’m going to smooth it out a bit and give it a coat of paint before we mount it on the wall. I’m pretty pleased with how it worked out.

I sent off my texts today and had a couple of conversations. Some texts go over well, some not so much. The text I sent today had a video of a dog running into things because it was holding onto a box lid that blocked its view. Pretty amusing.

I put in a request to the radio station today and they played it, which is always a treat!

I’m still not a huge fan of Netflix, but I have to say that it is pretty convenient when you can watch stuff pretty much anywhere. I hopped on the treadmill today and shambled along while watching some DS9 on my tablet. I’m going to try to make that a habit.

After the treadmill, I thought I would pamper myself a bit so I filled up the tub, added a ton of epsom salts, got my earbuds and ear defenders set, and had a leisurely soak while I watched some more Netflix. I haven’t just sat in the tub and relaxed for… probably something like decades. Oh, and I apologize to any of you who know me and are currently sticking chopsticks up your nose to try and wreck the part of your brain that visualized me relaxing in the bathtub with ear defenders on.

I worked more on that document I’ve been putting together. I would really like to get it done and sent off this week. Hopefully I can do it.

J and I hung out this evening and had a really good talk. We talk a lot and, even though we’ve been married for over 17 years, we still have all kinds of things to talk about.

Hooooooo I am really tired and need to get to bed. I have a lot more that I want to talk about but I don’t think I can do it right now. Assuming I survive my Dr W appointment tomorrow (first one at the new hospital), I will text more tomorrow.

Stay safe.

Not Really In The Mood To Write Today

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

Some days I really don’t feel like writing an entry. I guess that it’s those days when it’s most important I jot down at least something. This probably isn’t going to be very long, but we’ll see.

I didn’t sleep too badly last night again. I woke up a few times worrying about the garage door and the water tank but otherwise it wasn’t as bad as it has been.

My mother-in-law stopped by this morning to pick some things up on her way out of town. It was good to see her (even if it was only for a minute or two) and I managed to sneak in a hug before she got back to her car and escaped.

The rest of my morning was pretty quiet. I sent out my round of texts and worked some more on that document I’m preparing. It is a lot more difficult to write out than I thought, and I’ve spent tens of minutes working on a single line.

There was a letter from my aunt in the mail today. I really enjoy getting her letters – there’s just something about a good, old fashioned paper letter in an envelope. I should probably send some of those out.

I made two more towels out of the material I got from J’s aunt today. I decided that the towels didn’t need to be exactly perfect (and I find that getting towel material straight is very difficult), so I eyeballed it. I learned two things from sewing today: one, eyeballing something like a cotton terry hand towel works more than well enough for my purposes. Two, doing towels like that without measuring every four inches is WAY faster. No more 75 minute towels, I hope!

I also spent a lot of time today designing a wall hook for J’s hairband collection. She’s got a ton of them of different sizes so my plan is to make two pieces of a coil that only go 85% of the way around (for hooks), then mount them to a central “pillar” that has a flat back to stick to the wall. My first coil attempt worked very well (particularly that I printed it with crazy fast settings). I want to make a couple of changes, but beyond that it’s just mirroring the part, making the central place where the hooks connect to, and testing it out! I know I’m saying it like it’s no big deal… chances are I’m going to be arguing with it for 17 hours.

I think that’s all the big stuff that happened today. Hopefully I feel like writing a little more tomorrow.

Stay safe.

Lots Of Thinking This Weekend

Song: “Washington Square” by The Village Stompers

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Several

The last few days have been pretty decent, but I have to admit that I’m feeling bummed that the weekend is over.

FA came by on Friday for lunch and conversation and board games and playing with the printer. That was the plan anyway, but after we finished our delicious burritos, we got caught up in another really good conversation and talked for the next four hours. It was wonderful to catch up and FA has a seemingly endless supply of neat stories, interesting topics, and fascinating ideas and plans. I always enjoy hanging out with her and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her time and visits (and the frog tape measure is awesome, thanks!!!)! I hope we can get together again soon!

This past week actually went better than both J and I had expected. J had a ton of stuff going on at work including some important meetings with big clients and several of her overlords, but for some reason neither of us have been able to figure out, it all went quite well. It was nice being able to walk into the weekend, instead of slowly dragging ourselves across the ground toward it.

I have been working on making a medal with my nephew’s team logo on it, and after hours and hours and hours (actually, we’re probably getting close to a full 24 hour day’s worth of time) of fighting with JPEG compression artifacts, crazy high mesh counts, trying to get meshes and solids to play together, trying to do Boolean subtracts that never quite worked the way I’d planned, and software that either crapped out whenever I thought I was making progress (I’m looking at you, FreeCAD), or took so long that I would be dead and dust long before they finished (yeah you, MeshLab). I have 16GB of RAM in my laptop and it was SWAPPING today. Jeebus. BUT!! I somehow finally got it to work, using an assortment of, let’s see… eleven different pieces of software.

And… I didn’t take notes – I distinctly remember thinking to myself about nine hours in that I should be jotting things down, but the part of my brain that was puzzling over what I was working on just shooed me away with a wave without even turning his head away from his screen. So I kind of don’t know what I did. I can remember a few things that didn’t work at all (sorry, FreeCAD and MeshLab – I’m sure you’re perfectly great at your jobs. Let’s just say it’s me, not you) but beyond that I just remember looking at the medal when it finished printing and thinking “HOLY CRAP IT WORKED!”

So anyway, I send my sister the picture of the medal with the team logo embossed into it, and I get a text back saying that they got a great deal on trophies so they’re not going to want the medals, although my sister would really like my nephew to have one. So… all that work to figure out how to do what I did, and… that’s perfectly fine! I need to think hard once in a while. Kind of like giving my frontal lobe an Italian tuneup. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I figure something out. Plus, all of the stuff I print up or design and print for people comes with no requirements or catches. If I give you something and you like it, that’s great. If you don’t, that’s fine too – feel free to give it to someone else, give it back to me, or toss it out (if it’s PLA, it’ll compost in a couple of years).

I enjoy learning new things, and I also enjoy the process of creating new things. If others can get enjoyment out of it too, then that’s wonderful – I like the thought of making something that someone can use.

J’s mom is in town this weekend, so J went to see her on Saturday and was out for a while. Along with working on the medal, I also worked on the stuff I discussed with Dr C on Thursday. The good news is that I made a fair amount of progress, but the bad news is that it left me feeling angry and more than a little ill. I will work on it again some more tomorrow, maybe get it finished. The sooner, the better – I don’t want this stuff hanging over my head.

J and I have been watching a lot of The Good Place, and just finished the first season and started in on the second. Neither of us were expecting THAT. Oh, and the whole cast is good but Janet is the best character on that show. Speaking of Janet, if you’re ever curious what it’s like in the boundless void that she “lives” in, this video has got you covered:

Yep, that’s FIVE HOURS of Janet chilling in the void until someone needs her and she boops away. Check out the action at 1:15:00, and then the incredible followup at 4:19:15.

My mother-in-law is going to stop by tomorrow to pick some stuff up on her way home. It will be great to see her again and I hope she has a bit of time to come in for a bit and chat. We shall see.

Only one appointment this week, and it’s with Dr W at his new location. I think I’m going to ask if we can bump back to every three weeks or every month so we (and by “we”, I mean J) don’t have to fight through downtown traffic and construction as often. I’m not sure if that’s a really good idea, but Dr W has a good policy where if something comes up he’s fine with us calling and arranging another, sooner appointment.

I have several goals for things I want to do. I want to go to the local dollar store and pick up the cheapest paper towels I can find and some more glue sticks (I think they have the brand I’ve been using). J has agreed to take me. We’re not sure what day it’ll happen yet but I think anything other than Wednesday would be good, and preferably when the dollar store is quiet.

I also want to get the rest of that documentation together that I’m working on. I’m not sure yet but I may need to run it by someone before I submit it. I’m not sure who would be the best person for that. Just something else to figure out, I guess.

So that was Friday and my weekend. Like I said, not too bad.

Stay safe.