Monthly Archives: October 2017

Song: N/A

Mood: 4.5

Nightmares: 0

I’m not feeling very well today. I couldn’t sleep again last night and I’ve got a headache from clenching my jaw all night and all day today.

I thought I’d try to accomplish something while J was at work. I spent a lot of effort staying away from the basement couch and told myself I was going to swap out the broken toilet in the upstairs bathroom.

I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why, but the thought of replacing the toilet (not a very difficult task) just seemed overwhelmingly impossible. I kept worrying about leaks and breaking something and doing something wrong.

Then I thought that I was thinking of it the wrong way. I thought I’d just go and do it one piece at a time, with the first thing being removing the old tank.

I couldn’t do that, either. I tried talking myself into it but my chest kept tightening up and my head would pound and all I could think was how difficult it was going to be and how it was really likely that I was going to screw it up.

After hours of this, I became very frustrated with myself and gave up. I headed down to the couch in the basement.

J got home from work and we talked for a bit, then she said she was going to swap out the toilet if I could give her a hand. I ground my teeth and felt my chest tighten but said I’d help her. Working together, it took us about 45 minutes but we got it done.

I am embarrassed that I didn’t/couldn’t do it myself while she was at work. J works hard during the day and then comes home and has to deal with my crap. Right now, she’s upstairs handing out candy to kids while I cower in the basement, cringing when I hear voices outside. I wish that when she got home I’d have supper ready and the laundry done and the house clean instead of just sitting there, hating myself for my inactivity.

I have an appointment with Dr W tomorrow. I know that there is no “quick fix” as far as psych medications go, but I really hope that he can help me.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 4.5

Nightmares: 0

Normally I would be happy that I didn’t have any nightmares but the reason is probably because it took me hours to get to sleep. I have no idea why, I just kept finding that I was there in the dark with my eyes wide open. As a result, I’m dragging pretty badly today.

I accomplished nothing today. I cancelled going to the record store with WG and then spent the day sitting on the couch in the basement again. The new toilet is still sitting in its box by the front door and I didn’t get to Walmart like I was supposed to.

I hope that tomorrow I can do better.

Stay safe.

Song: “Heart of Glass” by Blondie

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 1

The weekend went by quickly. I don’t know where most of it went. My parents stopped by for a short visit on Friday. It was good to see them again but I felt kind of bad because I’m still stuck in this rut so I probably wasn’t very much fun. I really appreciated their visit, though.

I don’t know where Saturday went. I know I spent a fair amount of time on the couch, though.

Today, J and I went toilet shopping. We discovered a crack in the upstairs toilet bowl on Friday night and wanted to fix that before it became a big problem. That crack could have been there for a long time before we noticed it but I don’t think so.

I really didn’t want to go out today. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and let the world go by. I don’t know for sure if J talked me into it or if I just decided on my own (or a mix of the two) but we ended up in the truck, headed to the store. Once we were there, we found what we were looking for and J went to find a flat cart. One of the staff helped us with it and we got the toilet box strapped into the back of the truck.

I was very uncomfortable in the store for some reason. It’s a place I’m quite familiar with and there weren’t that many other people there but it really bothered me. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to be back home.

On the way home, we stopped to fill up a gas can with premium gas so we could finish winterizing the motorcycle. I was a mess at the gas station – I forgot what we were there for, started writing down mileage information in my little truck book, and left the gas can inside the truck while I was standing there holding the nozzle.

Once we got home, J and I filled up the bike’s gas tank so now it’s ready for the winter. Then we carried the toilet into the house. We started to carry it up the stairs but it was too awkward so we left it back on the landing by the door.

By this time I had started to feel like I was going to freak out so I just said that I needed some time. J was very understanding and I went downstairs and sat on the couch, doing grounding exercises to calm myself down.

I’m very anxious about installing the new toilet. I’ve done it several times before without any problems but my self-confidence is almost non-existent. I’m worried I’m going to mess something up and there’ll be water all over the house and it’ll wreck all kinds of stuff and cost thousands of dollars to fix.

I don’t know why today was so difficult. I’m supposed to go to Walmart three times this week to practice being out of the house and but I think I’m going to count today as one of them. I’m supposed to get together with WG tomorrow and FA on Friday so I really hope that I can get myself together enough to do that and not be a stick in the mud.

Halloween is two days away and I’m really not looking forward to it. I think I’m going to end up hiding in the basement while J gives out the candy to the kids. I don’t know why it bothers me so much..

I’m getting very frustrated with myself and I don’t like how things are going. I need to change or do something. I’m not sure what quite yet.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

When I woke up I could tell from the light filtering through the curtain that there was snow on the ground. Turns out that our first “real” snow arrived during the night. It kept snowing on and off this morning and it was very windy out. Fortunately, the snow was melting on the roads so they were just wet, not slippery.

I spent most of my day on the couch again. I’m getting really tired of this.

My appointment with Dr P went well. We’ve moved away from the ACT for a bit to address the depression and anxiety I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks. One of the big things we’re working on is getting me out of the house. Dr C and I had worked on this for a while and her recommendation to me was to get outside and away from the house once a day. I was doing that for a while but slipped back a while ago and now, aside from appointments, I get out of the house between zero and one times per week.

It is difficult for me to be away from the house. I worry constantly that I’ve left the door unlocked or the stove is on or the garage door is open or any of a dozen other things. The farther I get from home, the more difficult it is.

To work on this, Dr P suggested that I do some exposure therapy. I’m going to go to Walmart three times next week and walk around until I feel that my anxiety has peaked and then decreased. I don’t need to buy anything, I just need to walk around. Fortunately, Walmart is large enough that I can walk around in it for a while without looking creepy.

This plan with the exposure therapy will help me in two ways: it will hopefully make me more comfortable with being out of the house, and it will get me moving around a bit. Since I’ve been stuck in this rut, I’ve barely moved around and haven’t done my exercises at all.

I hope I can scrape together enough motivation to drag myself off the couch and do it. Wish me luck.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 2

Once again I spent most of the day on the couch. I feel like I just want to sit down and have a good cry, but for some reason nothing happens. I just feel kind of numb. I got up and somehow convinced myself to take a shower before J got home to take me to my appointment with Dr W.

The appointment was difficult. I hate having to tell people I don’t feel very well, even when they’re my doctor and that’s the kind of stuff they do. As always, Dr W was helpful and very patient with me.

The bad news is he doesn’t have any quick fixes for how I feel right now. He bumped my venlafaxine up to 225mg but it will take a while for it to kick in. He also gave me assurances that even though I’m on a lot of stuff there is still a lot of room to increase my medications if we need to.

The good news is I’m now completely off the daily lorazepam. I still have it for a rescue medication if I need it but I haven’t taken it for that in quite a while. Despite the venlafaxine increase, I’m pleased that I’m totally off one of my medications.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 1

I spent the day on the couch again. Fortunately, my laptop was still sitting beside it so I was able to do some web browsing and play with a Raspberry Pi so at least I wasn’t just sitting there staring at the ceiling for the whole day.

I’m getting really frustrated with myself. I wish I could just will myself out of this rut but there’s no way I can do that right now. I’m not used to downs lasting this long.

I have an appointment with Dr W tomorrow. Hopefully he can help somehow. I’m not really keen on upping the dose on any of my medications but if I have to, I will. I’m hoping that tomorrow he will take me off the lorazepam entirely. That would be the first medication that I no longer need after 18 months. Fingers crossed.

Lloyd still seems to be doing well. I give him food but haven’t seen him eat any for a while. It still disappears, though, so I hope he’s the one eating it. The shrimp seem to only eat food off the bottom of the tank, so with luck Lloyd is getting all the food he needs. I’ve had him for two weeks now. I suppose that if he wasn’t getting any food he’d probably be dead by now.

Halloween is coming and I’m not looking forward to it. All of the sounds and voices outside and people wandering around in the dark makes me anxious.

The temperature is supposed to drop to below freezing over the next few days. I really need to pick up some gas for the motorbike and fill up the tank before we get too many warming/cooling cycles outside. Maybe I’ll do it after my Dr P appointment on Thursday.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 2

Things are a little rough right now. I didn’t get anything done this weekend and all I want to do is go back to bed or sit on the couch. I’m finding it very difficult to do anything. J has been picking up my slack and doing a whole bunch of extra work at home while I try to dig myself out of this rut (thank you so much).

WG and I were supposed to go to the record store this morning. I almost cancelled. I had to call him anyway to make sure everything was good but I was so close to apologizing to him again and saying I couldn’t make it. Then I thought about how long it’s been since I’d seen him and how I was worried about how difficult it had been to get ahold of him so I decided to give it a try. I hauled myself out of bed, showered, and headed over to his place where we met up and went to the record store in his car.

I hadn’t been to the record store in quite some time. Weeks? Months? I can’t remember. We had a very good chat on the way to and from the store and it was really good to catch up. He’s been very busy and has been travelling a lot. I picked up a few records (Blues Brothers, Marty Robbins, some classical) and, as always, we made fun of each others’ picks. I also picked up a classic Bing Crosby Christmas album so my Christmas preparations are now DONE.

It was very good to see WG. We’ve been friends for a long time and really worked well together when I was still at work. I’m really glad that we’ve kept in touch. Good friends are worth their weight in platinum.

Once I got home I tried to keep my momentum going but ended up back on the basement couch, staring at the ceiling.

J got home from work a few hours later and we had supper. After supper, I went back down to the basement but brought a Raspberry Pi to play around with. I already had a laptop by the couch so I decided to try and do a blog post today (I just couldn’t pull myself together enough to write one yesterday).

I have nothing planned for tomorrow but I really hope that I can get myself moving instead of just sitting on the couch. If I can’t do anything but sit on the couch I hope that I can force myself to turn on the computer and at least do something.

Stay safe.

Song: “Mondo ‘77” by Looper

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 1

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I only remember waking up from a nightmare once, but I also kept waking up for no reason and it was difficult to get back to sleep.

I clawed my way out of bed and had some breakfast and took my medication. After that, I fed Lloyd and the other fish and went downstairs to sit on the couch. I spent most of my day sitting there, doing nothing.

When the time rolled around for me to get up and have something to eat, I tried very hard to keep moving. I tidied up the kitchen a bit, then sat upstairs and listened to music on YouTube. I fell down the rabbit hole and listened to a LOT of music. I even caught myself tapping my foot a few times.

I took a break and listened to some sirens like Dr P suggested but after only a few minutes I was too uncomfortable to continue so I went back to the music. I will try again tomorrow.

I was hoping to get the motorcycle winterized this week but I haven’t had any luck so far. Maybe I’ll be able to get my act together tomorrow before it starts getting unpleasantly cold out. Fingers crossed.

I also need to finish the book that Dr P let me borrow so I can give it back to him next Thursday. He hasn’t asked for it back but I don’t like holding onto stuff for too long if I can help it.

I’m really hoping that some mental switch gets flipped this weekend and I hit an upswing. I could really use it.

Stay safe.

Song: “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 2

I spent most of the day on the couch again. I just couldn’t muster the oomph to do anything.

My Dr P appointment was a little more difficult than normal. We spent a lot of time talking about work (which is on my mind all the time) and how I can motivate myself to keep myself busy every day. For now, I need to print up a weekly calendar, list what I’ve done on it, and take it to my next appointment. The idea is that I’ll be a little more motivated to do something if I write it down and show it to someone else.

J got some good news today – news of a promotion at work! I’m very happy for and proud of her, she really worked hard to get where she is. Congratulations!!

There have been a lot of sirens outside today. They still bother me a lot. Dr P suggested that I try some exposure and listen to the sound of sirens to try and desensitize myself to them. I’m not keen on doing it but I will give it a try. I know the exposure and response prevention therapy I did with Dr C worked quite well so hopefully this will work too. I just really don’t want to listen to sirens.

It sounds like my parents will be coming in next weekend. It will be great to see them again but I feel a little guilty that they have to do all of the travelling nowadays. Going to visit them used to be something I could do on a whim – even on the motorcycle.

Thinking of that reminds me of Christmas and how everyone is going to have to adjust their schedules and the way we normally do things because of me. Again. Hopefully this will be the last year that this happens.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 1

I got up this morning, had breakfast and took my medication, and went straight downstairs to sit on the couch. I’d get up every 45-60 minutes and wander around the house for ten minutes, trying to force myself to do something. I didn’t have much luck and would just end up back on the couch.

My Dr W appointment today was difficult. I’m getting frustrated with where I’m at, and really wish that I had the energy or motivation to get my butt off the couch and onto the treadmill or to any one of my various hobbies. Anything to get me moving.

On the upside, Dr W and I decided today to stop my morning dose of lorazepam so that’s good. It was only have a milligram so I shouldn’t notice it at all. Depending on how this week goes we may increase my venlafaxine.

WG called last night. I was very glad that he called – I was starting to worry that he’d moved on or I’d done something to make him angry. We plan to go to the record store on Monday. I’m looking forward to it.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do this evening. I watched my fish for a little while but the couch is calling to me and I’m pretty sure that’s where I’m headed.

Stay safe.