I’m not feeling very well today. I couldn’t sleep again last night and I’ve got a headache from clenching my jaw all night and all day today.
I thought I’d try to accomplish something while J was at work. I spent a lot of effort staying away from the basement couch and told myself I was going to swap out the broken toilet in the upstairs bathroom.
I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why, but the thought of replacing the toilet (not a very difficult task) just seemed overwhelmingly impossible. I kept worrying about leaks and breaking something and doing something wrong.
Then I thought that I was thinking of it the wrong way. I thought I’d just go and do it one piece at a time, with the first thing being removing the old tank.
I couldn’t do that, either. I tried talking myself into it but my chest kept tightening up and my head would pound and all I could think was how difficult it was going to be and how it was really likely that I was going to screw it up.
After hours of this, I became very frustrated with myself and gave up. I headed down to the couch in the basement.
J got home from work and we talked for a bit, then she said she was going to swap out the toilet if I could give her a hand. I ground my teeth and felt my chest tighten but said I’d help her. Working together, it took us about 45 minutes but we got it done.
I am embarrassed that I didn’t/couldn’t do it myself while she was at work. J works hard during the day and then comes home and has to deal with my crap. Right now, she’s upstairs handing out candy to kids while I cower in the basement, cringing when I hear voices outside. I wish that when she got home I’d have supper ready and the laundry done and the house clean instead of just sitting there, hating myself for my inactivity.
I have an appointment with Dr W tomorrow. I know that there is no “quick fix” as far as psych medications go, but I really hope that he can help me.