Forgot My Pills This Evening Again

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Song: “Eve Of Destruction” by The Dickies

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

Today started out pretty normal. I still woke up too many times so I’ve been tired all day, but it’s not too bad.

My exercises didn’t go very well, though, and I stopped before I got too frustrated. For some reason, every time I got up to chase a ghost today, I couldn’t relax after sitting back down. It didn’t even work if I tried to start from scratch again. It’s frustrating when that happens.

After the rain we got last night, I was expecting there to be a lot more water out on the streets than there was. From a weather standpoint, my walk this morning was quite pleasant. I did the same loop I did yesterday (but I really want to get down to the creek soon). I was hoping we were going to luck out, but with the rains we’ve had lately, the mosquitoes are starting to make an appearance. Blurgh.

The water in the fish tank has cleared up better than I’d hoped. We’re always going to have an algae problem in there, but it only took about an hour to do the scrubbing and the water change, so not too bad. It’s nice when you work on something and it pays off!

My sister called today and we had a good chat. I’ve been enjoying our weekly chats. She’s been very busy lately since her husband went on a business trip, but the kids are well-behaved and don’t go crazy when their dad is away. It also sounds like there’s some shenanigans going on with how they set up the soccer teams. It sounds like one of the teams was custom built and is now destroying all of the other teams by double digits to zero. Most of the kids are there for fun and exercise but they’re getting upset and tired of being crushed; the winning coach taking his team on a “victory lap” around the field isn’t sitting well with the other kinds (or their parents) either.

Three people (that I know about) came to the door today. The first one was delivering packages so I answered it. The second one rang the doorbell four times and hammered on the door twice. I had no idea who it was so I did my best to ignore it. A while later, I peered outside and found a water meter reading card. Then, the doorbell rang again. Since there are a couple of things from our order that hadn’t arrived earlier, I thought it was another delivery so I answered the door. Turns out it was a guy trying to drum up business for his retirement planning company. I spoke with him for a couple of minutes, took his pamphlet, and went back inside.

So yeah, lot of distractions today.

I have an alarm set on my phone to go at 8PM from Monday to Thursday. It reminds me to take my evening pills and it’s been a great help. This evening, I was looking at stuff through the microscope, when the alarm went off. I turned off the alarm and told myself I was going to get up in a minute anyway. Well, I remembered two hours later. I feel silly when I forget to take my medication. In this case, it was only a couple of hours and I have nothing going on tomorrow morning, so no problem. If I did have stuff going on, I’d be stressing out about whether I’d be able to get to sleep, and that would keep me awake longer, which would stress me out more… you get the idea. Forgetting my medication is BAD.

J had a class this evening so she didn’t get home until around 8:30PM, but we still managed to fit in an episode of Community.

There were at least another two topics I wanted to cover but I can’t remember what they were. I need to start jotting things down.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

365 Days

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Song: “Banana Splits” by The Dickies

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

I didn’t sleep very well again last night – no nightmares but I kept waking up, worried about something or other. The good thing is that with no nightmares or panic, it usually doesn’t take me too long to get back to sleep. It was tough getting up this morning, though. It sucks being stuck where I can’t get back to sleep but I also can’t find the oomph to haul myself out of bed. It feels like I’m wasting time.

Despite not sleeping all that great, my exercises went pretty well this morning. I had to get up and run around a couple of times but when I was done my time I felt considerably better than when I started, and that’s the idea.

It was already pretty warm this morning when I went for my walk. I headed toward the creek, but decided to go a different way and I ended up walking around the next block over before heading for home. It was unpleasant, but I guess that’s another route I can take to add some variety if I want.

I spent some time texting again today. I like saying hello to everyone. It’s like saying hi to people when I’m pacing around the parking lot at the store, just considerably less creepy.

I gave the battery in the truck one last attempt to charge today. Unfortunately, the charger did the same thing – ran in desulfating mode for a couple of hours and then showed an error and stopped charging. I checked the battery with a multimeter to make sure the charger was reading it correctly, and it was. I guess that’s what I get leaving it sitting there for six or seven months through the winter and spring with all the electronics hooked up and no maintenance. I will put a tender on the next battery if it looks like the truck isn’t going to be used for a while. I should’ve known better, yeesh.

After hooking up the charger, I went to the back yard to take a look at the garden. Out of habit, I locked the doorknob. Also out of habit, I pulled the door shut behind me and locked myself in the back yard. The keys were in the house. My phone was in the house. The back door was locked. The gate was locked. The front door was locked.

Enter my good old friend, flop sweat.

I briefly thought about jumping the fence. Any of you who know me in person are probably laughing at that thought. I’m a lot more likely to run through a fence than try to scramble over it. Neither was appealing, so I put the thought aside. Then I tried to take the gate apart but I’d tightened things very well and wasn’t having much luck until I scrounged up the largest rock I could find in our pile of gravel and bashed at it until it loosened up. Hooray, I was free… I put things back together, closed everything up, and went inside.

[wow it just started raining really hard]

I noticed the pepper plant on the deck needed some water, so I filled up a pitcher and went out onto the deck. Out of habit, I locked the doorknob. Also out of habit, I started to push the door shut, but woke up and grabbed it before I locked myself in the back yard twice in 20 minutes.

[there’s some thunder, too… wow, it’s raining hard]

The fish tank in the living room has been getting pretty gross lately. The fish and shrimp don’t seem to mind too much but I don’t like it being all cloudy and green in there. It makes me feel like a bad fish dad. So I spent about an hour removing algae from the walls and the inside of the filter and changing out the water. I’ve got to admit, it looks pretty darn good. I missed a few algae spots but I’ll work on them tomorrow.

I played some more Star Trek Online. I played around with the new things that became available with getting the promotion to Admiral and it was pretty interesting. I also found out that the USS Pinkeye is getting a little long in the tooth. I wandered into a spot where another Federation ship was duking it out with a Klingon ship. I slowly turned and started to close the gap so I could help my ally out (you have to be within 10km to be able to attack something). Anyway, as I was chugging toward them, they suddenly darted much farther away, then closer, then way behind me, then ahead of me again. Finally, I closed to within 10km, and the Pinkeye let go with everything she had. The game shows you how much damage you’re doing, and I was seeing a lot of 40s and the occasional 65 popping up. It was going to take a bit, but I knew then that my ally and I were going to mangle this other guy. Well, as soon as I thought that, my ally’s ship blew up. No problem, I thought – I can handle this on my own. I turned to bring my torpedo tube to bear, and before I could fire, he hit me twice for twenty-three THOUSAND points of damage. And so ended my attempt to patrol that particular area of space. They’ll be lucky to find anything large enough left to make souvenirs out of.

Locking myself in the yard and my ship exploding aside, today is a significant day for me. Exactly one year ago, I walked out of the psych ward at the end of my last stay. I’ve been out for a year. It’s kind of hard to believe in some ways. There have been a couple of times over the year that I’ve almost felt like I needed to press that button again, but fortunately things worked out. I’m very grateful for being out, but I’m also very grateful that I can go back again if I need to.

J and I celebrated this evening by having chicken fingers and fries for supper and a small (but very tasty) cake for dessert.

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE – FAMILY, FRIENDS, PROFESSIONALS. I WOULD NOT BE HERE RIGHT NOW IF IT WERE NOT FOR ALL OF YOU.

I don’t want to look like I’m taking the easy way out here, but I’m fighting to keep from falling asleep. I probably should’ve started my post with this stuff, but I will post more about it tomorrow. Thank you all again – I can never repay you for what you’ve done!

Stay safe.

Posted in: Anxiety, Depression, OCD, Panic, PTSD, Today

Getting Samples Ready

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Song: “I Am The Fly” by Wire

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

I spent far too much time awake last night. A ghost would wake me up and I’d be there, worrying while I stared at the wall or ceiling. I’d get back to sleep eventually, but the interruptions are doing a good job of interrupting my sleep. Add to that that it’s very difficult (if even possible) for me to get some sleep after I get up in the morning, and I’m running a ways behind in my sleep right now.

My exercises went okay this morning. Not as good as they did on the weekend – being by myself makes it much harder for me to ignore things and my stuff gets interrupted as I repeatedly get up and go make sure that things are okay. Still, I felt better after my exercises were done, and that’s exactly why I do them.

It was a pleasant outside again today. Pretty warm but not oppressive. They were calling for rain in the afternoon but it didn’t show up. That’s okay, maybe it’ll show up overnight.

My walk went reasonably well. I tried walking towards the creek but I got too uncomfortable and ended up stopping and waiting for a minute to see if I could calm down a bit but it didn’t work and I headed back home. It would’ve been nice to get down to the creek, but what happened today is about what I expected.

I sent out my texts again today. It took me a lot longer than usual to pick the little video I attached to the texts but that’s okay. I’m starting to run out – looks like I’ll have to dig up some more soon!

I’m putting in an effort to not check my text history for everyone I text. It took a lot of time in the past, and now that I’m texting more people than I used to (and texting them 5-6 days a week), the amount of time I spend going through my text history has grown to be pretty ridiculous. It takes me the better part of an hour to send the texts out, and anywhere from 90 minutes to two hours to check the histories. It’s been trending down since I’ve been working on this but it’s still way too much time to be scrutinizing something that will (at worst) require a couple of texts or a phone call to clear up. Still, I’m making progress.

I spent a couple of hours today working on setting up samples for the microtome prototype that FA built. I had three samples soaking – one in methanol, one in isopropanol, and one in car antifreeze. I let them go all night, and I think that was a big mistake. The sample in the methanol looks kind of bleached out but is still about the same size. The one in the isporopanol is the right colour but shrunk and is now a thin little brittle stick. The one in the antifreeze looks about the same and feels about the same. I only have space for two samples right now so I worked on putting the two from the alcohols into a paraffin bath.

The paraffin bath I made by putting a tea candle on a couple of sticks in a saucepan and then added some water to the saucepan, turned the stove element on low, and waited for the water to warm up and, in turn, melt the wax. I wanted to keep the temperature as low as possible so I didn’t end up cooking the samples, so I fiddled with the stove dial to keep the temperature around 50-55C.

After the bath, I took them out and let them cool, then put them into the microtome sleeves and filled up the remaining space with more paraffin. They’re sitting in the freezer right now, and that’s where they’re staying all night. If everything goes well, the alcohols displaced all of the water in the samples, and then the paraffin displaced the alcohols, leaving a paraffin-filled sample held tightly inside a paraffin block. Tomorrow, they go onto the micrometer and slowly get dialed out and I will try to get a very, VERY thin slice of something to look at under the microscope.

I played some more Star Trek Online today. Finally made it to Admiral, and with that, a whole bunch of other things that I don’t understand became available for me to play around with. Sending crew on missions? Putting my old ships like the Bursitis and Halitosis to work solving problems all over the galaxy? Doing research and development to get the Pinkeye better equipment so that it spends more time fighting and less time fleeing while various parts of it are on fire? Lots of new stuff to do.

Well, I should probably be getting to bed. Tonight’s probably going to be a short night again. Fingers crossed, though!

Stay safe.

Posted in: Hobbies, Today

Videos That Make Me Smile, Part III

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With some of the stuff that’s going on in the world, I’ve been feeling down lately. Fortunately, there are a lot of people out there who put stuff out there that’s good at making me smile or chuckle – intentionally or not. Here’s another collection of videos that helped cheer me up, even on the bad days. Enjoy!

If you’re interested, Part I is HERE, and Part II is HERE.

Ready to Monday: Take on Me by The Band of the Bold (part 1)

This one doesn’t make me chuckle so much as it makes me smile. It looks like friends having fun being weird, and sometimes that’s the best kind of fun to have!

Weather Map Goes Crazy Live on the Air

When something goes wrong, you have two choices: try to fix it, or go with it. This guy does the right thing.

People Try Moonshine For The First Time

From the now-defunct Facts. channel comes a great video featuring Irish people trying moonshine of various colours and flammability (warning: some “interesting” language in this one).

Jasper Pet Skunk Crying to be Picked Up

I grew up out in the country, and I’ve seen (and been with spraying distance of) more than enough skunks. I’ve never heard one make little motor noises, though…

Hulk’s Purple Pants | Robot Chicken | Adult Swim

Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk when he gets angry. Purple pants are hard to find. The joke tells itself, and Robot Chicken does it really well.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Videos

A Good Weekend

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Song: “Vacation” by The Go-Gos

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

This was a pretty good weekend. It went by very quickly, but J and I had time to get a bunch of things done as well as spend some time relaxing. I’m still not sleeping that well, and an attempt to take a nap on Saturday didn’t work for me (J managed to get in a couple of hours) but that’s fine.

My exercises went well both Saturday and Sunday. I stuck to my new routine and I’m pretty sure it helps. What helps even more, though, is when J is home. For whatever reason, I don’t feel like I need to be as worried about everything that catches my attention around the house. If something’s making a weird sound and J doesn’t seem to concerned about it, it’s easier for me to be less concerned about it, too.

I played a bunch of Star Trek Online this weekend. Probably more than I should’ve. Just for kicks, I created a new character – this time a Klingon. I named him ARGBARGAWARG and he is in command of the skip IKS Free Candy. I’m going to switch back to my regular character but thought I’d have a bit of fun with it.

I didn’t spend a lot of time outside but it was nice out this weekend. Warm, but not scorching like a couple of days ago. Lots of sunlight, too. The chili plant on the deck seems to be very happy and is growing pretty fast. The garden needs a serious weeding but I think I’m going to wait until the vegetables are up a little more so I can tell what’s food versus what’s got to be pulled.

I spent some time working on my microscope stuff this weekend. I didn’t actually do anything with the microscope, but I did gather some samples and put them in test tubes with different fixatives. I got an idea from FA about looking for glycerin, and I remember J telling me we had methyl hydrate in the basement. I thought methyl hydrate was methanol with water in it, but the stuff we have is apparently 99.95% pure methanol. So now I’ve got a bunch of test tubes, all filled with poison. I’m going to let the specimens soak overnight (which is probably WAY too long) and then tomorrow morning I’m going to see if I can soak them in a paraffin bath, freeze them, then get them into the microtome.

J and I put in an online order this evening. I’m getting some new razor blades, ones that are meant for shaving. I bought a box of 100 blades a couple of years ago but even though they’re called “razor” blades, they are dull as heck. I think they’re really intended for scraping tools and not meant to be sharp enough to cut thin things with. I’ve also been texting one of J’s aunts for a while and found out that some of the gluten-free bread she likes that’s not available around here is available online, so we’re ordering her a couple of things to try out.

Thanks to the RSS stuff that FA taught me how to use, I’ve been pretty much free of adverts AND the kind of news that really bothers me. So far, so good! Thanks again, FA!

J and I have also been watching Community again. It’s such a good show, and every time I re-watch an episode, I find something new that I’ve missed. It’s also interesting to see how the characters change over the seasons.

I have a whole bunch of things that I want to do this coming week. My only appointment is Thursday with Dr P, so I’ve got a pretty open week to do stuff. Dr P and I were talking last week about modifying my walk, and I may try heading in the opposite direction and see if I can reach the creek. I may bring along a sample bottle or two and if I make it to the creek, I will collect some water to see if I can find something interesting.

Have a good week, everybody!

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

I Need To Start Posting Earlier

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Song: “I Think I Love You” by The Partridge Family

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 2+

Not a big surprise, but I didn’t sleep very well last night. Nightmares got me out of bed a couple of times, and I woke up a few times besides that, too. It’s really starting to catch up with me now – after I had breakfast I sat down on the chesterfield with the intent to check my phone quickly and then get on with my day. The next time I opened my eyes it was about 45 minutes later and that little hangy-down thing at the back of my throat was sore. I must’ve been snoring like crazy.

I guess that on balance it’s a good thing that a nap snuck up on me, but I wish I could either sleep well or be able to reliably take naps. Usually I have no luck taking a nap during the day – I can feel myself bouncing between being awake and almost falling asleep. It’s relaxing but frustrating at the same time.

My exercises went pretty well today, which was a nice change. I had to get up and chase a few ghosts, but for the most part I was able to pay attention to what I was doing. It sounds silly but it makes a considerable difference in my day when my exercises go well. Very big difference.

It was pretty hot out again today, but a light storm came through the area and the temperature dropped by about ten degrees in an hour. It was weird, but I certainly wasn’t complaining about the lower temperatures.

FA saw my post from earlier today and showed me how to set up RSS feeds on my computer (thanks, FA!). She suggested them mainly to avoid adverts, but I have been trying to limit my exposure to the bad news that seems to be everywhere and this looks like it’ll be an easy way to do that. I’ve set up a couple of sites in the reader and so far it looks great!

I did a fair amount of texting again today. It feels good to take the time to write everyone an individual text instead of just copying and pasting – it seems more like a conversation then. Some days I get no replies, some days I get tons. Either way is fine, I just like to say hi to everybody.

My Star Trek career is going pretty well. The USS Pinkeye is blowing up Klingon and Romulan ships all over the place. Yes, the Pinkeye is a sturdy ship with a good crew.

Like I said in the title, I need to start posting earlier. I’m fighting to keep my eyes open right now, and I can’t get much better than a foggy blur when I focus on the screen. Since I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now, my evening medications knock the heck out of me when they kick in. Some days it’s even difficult climbing the stairs to go to bed. So I think that – at least until I’m sleeping better – I’m going to have to change my schedule around a bit and post earlier in the evening.

On that note, I’m going to end this post. There are more things that I wanted to discuss but I need to get to bed. I hope you all have a good weekend.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

STUPID INTERNET

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First it was about the tooth whitening discovery that dentists hated.

Then it was about an amazing fruit that cardiologists despised.

Then there was the 51 year old who looked 25 that the dermatologists couldn’t stand.

Then the mechanics were up in arms about an amazing device that would save me $$$.

The other day, I saw something that BLEW MY MIND:

Advertisement OopsCurse you, Internet – I didn’t know who she was, but I was proud of “local mom” from my town. Thanks for ruining that for me.

I bet the next thing you’re going to say is that there aren’t actually any single Christian ladies waiting to talk to me. Fine, whatever. I’m not really in the mood to talk about Jesus right now, anyway.

Posted in: Today

The Eulogy Went Over Well

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Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

Once again, my batteries are almost completely flat so this will be a very short post.

I didn’t sleep well last night again and it’s really starting to affect me. I’m not able to get back to sleep in the morning, I’m not able to fall asleep for a nap, and I still wake up a bunch of times during the night. I need to get more sleep.

My Dr P appointment was difficult but the time and effort I put into my homework paid off. Dr P distilled a number of what he thought were my personal values listed in my eulogy and we are both going to look some more over the next week and see if we can find any more. I was having trouble with it getting too grim and unpleasant so I changed some things to make it a little lighter. Just in case you’re curious about what killed me, it turns out that sometime in the future I get into a not-well-thought-out fistfight with a big Kodiak bear.

Okay I’m really sorry but I have to stop here. I’ll write more tomorrow.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Just Going To Bed

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Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

Not much of a post tonight, I’m afraid. I’m feeling pretty down and anxious. Didn’t accomplish a heck of a lot today but I did talk to my sister for a bit, which was nice.

Dr W appointment was difficult but no medication changes this week, which I’m glad about.

I’ve got to go to bed. I need more sleep.

More tomorrow.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Tired And Down

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Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

I don’t have much oomph left so we’ll see how far I get writing this out tonight.

I woke up several times last night; fortunately, none of them were due to nightmares. I still wish I could only wake up once or twice.

My exercises didn’t go very well again. I got through them but it felt like I put a lot more into it today than I got out of it, which isn’t how it’s supposed to go.

I sent out my texts today and chatted with some people. The bank called and left a voicemail (I stood there with the phone in my hand, unable to answer it). I don’t think it’s anything serious.

I made an effort today to actively avoid news articles when going through my regular Internet spots. Unfortunately, the places I go to seem to have changed their policy to increase traffic, or things are so bad in places that they feel they need to cover it. I may have to re-evaluate the sites I visit or cut back even more. Some of the stuff that’s going on is really bothering me a lot and even just reading the headline gives me more information than I want.

I went for my walk today and saw the same guy out and doing more shovelling. I’m starting to wonder if he actually lives there and is doing this part of the job by himself and on his own time.

I played more Star Trek. Got two more ships: the USS Halitosis and the USS Ingrown Toenail. I had very high hopes for the Ingrown Toenail since the class of ship was great on TV, but it turns out that “in real life” it’s pretty flimsy. So, I’ve just finished loading out the Halitosis and will go on a shakedown cruise next time I play.

This news stuff is really bothering me. I feel terrible about what I’ve read and heard and it’s gnawing at me that there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t even know who the right people to donate to are – or even if there IS an organization that can help. I don’t know. I think that ten or twenty years down the road, people will look back at the current time with some pretty sharp disapproval. At least, I hope so.

I’ve been trying to breathe some life into the truck battery – enough so that the truck can be driven to a place that sells replacement batteries. It’s not looking good, but today was the first time (I’ve been working on this for three days) that the charger finished desulfating and went to charge mode without aborting the charge. It charged for about six hours and only went up about 0.4 volts, but I’ll try again tomorrow and see what happens. I don’t have a lot of hope.

J and I started watching Community again. Even though we were enjoying it (and have seen Community a few times already), we had to get away from the politics in Boston Legal. Almost every single one of the long closing speeches that Alan does or when Alan and Denny argue, all I can think about is how – yes, those things were fought over in court in real life. While I found it amusing in the past, I can’t help but notice how – in the cases he argued against privacy erosion or government oversight or corporate interests or wrongful imprisonment or the treatment of foreigners – in real life the battles have been lost. What bothers me even more is how the verdicts are being reinterpreted or expanded or twisted to fit a particular agenda, and that the people doing the twisting are doing it right out in the open, as if daring someone to do something. And… it seems to look like any time someone calls them on it, they’re either blatantly ignored (if lucky) or called names and scoffed at. I don’t get it. I bet that, if they did a reunion of BL (like they’re doing with so many other shows nowadays), Alan Shore would be either an attorney in a different country, be on at least four blood pressure medications, spend his days drinking scotch and gazing at the photos of Shirley he has, or just sits quietly in a straight-back wicker rocking chair, rocking slowly while meditating. Maybe he’d join the Navy and then go on the run and become a crime lord known the world over. You never know.

Anyway, so, yeah, we’re watching Community again. What a great show. I could watch it a dozen times and keep picking up new stuff.

Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr W. As usual, I’m really not looking forward to it. As usual, it’s not about Dr W, it’s about me. I consider myself to be very lucky to have Dr W as my psychiatrist.

Maybe I won’t browse to any of my regular sites tomorrow and give myself a break. I could always do a Wikipedia crawl or watch far too many YouTube videos.

Ok, I just realized that I’ve been typing for the last couple of minutes with my eyes closed. I apologize for any bad spelling or grammar. If I notice any tomorrow I will go back and correct it.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today