I spent a lot of the weekend thinking about where I am and where I want to be. I’ve been off work for over a year and my stomach still twists whenever I think about that. I can’t go back to my old job – there’s no way I can do that anymore and preserve my mental health (regardless of the state it’s in). I keep thinking to myself that this is an opportunity to reinvent myself, but reinvent myself as what? I’m over 40 and have pretty specialized training and experience – unfortunately, it’s training and experience in what I can no longer do. I need to get away from IM/IT work and do something else.
I really enjoy welding, but who is going to hire a 40+ year old apprentice welder when there are tons of 18 or 19 year olds trying for the same jobs? It would be the same with pretty much any trade. I have supervisory experience, but that pretty much dried up in 2012, so I don’t have anything recent. I enjoy writing, but there’s not a lot of technical writing work out there and I don’t have specific training in it anyway.
I’ve heard some people say that there’s a job out there that’s a perfect match, you just have to find it. Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and looking and I have yet to find anything that I think would work. Compounding the issue is that even thinking about that stuff makes me feel like I’m going to throw up.
J has been really helpful, both bouncing ideas off me and telling me that I should stop thinking about this stuff and keep working on getting better. It’s hard for me to not think about work – I want, more than anything, to help people – but I feel like I’m balancing on the edge of a cliff, and I really, REALLY don’t want to fall again.
Another thing I’m wondering about is how can I tell when I’m ready to go back to work? What about if I’m ready to volunteer somewhere one day a week? What about take a course or two? I’m hamstrung by how my brain is working right now. Some days I feel like I’m ready to try, but other days I can’t pull myself out of bed. Who is going to hire a 40+ year old apprentice anything who will have bad days but can’t tell what the pattern or magnitude will be?
When I was still working, I felt trapped – stuck in a job that was slowly grinding me down to nothing. I still feel trapped because I’m really scared that I’ll have to go back to where I was, and where nothing has changed. I just can’t do it.
How do I reinvent myself? How can I go to bed and not be scared that the insurance company is going to call tomorrow and tell me I have to go back to work?
God, I hate having this stuff hanging over my head. I don’t even know where to begin to fix it. Baby steps, I guess.