October 2017 – April 30th, 2020
Always came over to say hi, listened patiently, and didn’t judge. I’ll miss him.
Stay safe.
Very Angry
Song: N/A
Mood: 5.5
Nightmares: 0
Ghosts: Lots
Lots going on in my head that I’m trying to process.
Today was not a good day. I didn’t get enough sleep (which was 100% my decision), some really shitty stuff happened, and I spent most of the day having a discussion about said shitty stuff over and over again. Then I ran across some stuff in the news that would normally make me feel something like… sadness? Frustration? Despair? Instead, it closed a breaker somewhere in my brain and I got very, very angry. I haven’t felt like this in years. Maybe longer.
I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or a perfect storm of several other things, but my goddamn goat has most certainly been got. I’ve been trying to relax for hours now and I’m not having much luck. Usually writing stuff out helps put things in perspective but re-thinking things is making it worse so I should probably stop here.
And there’s a weird, sporadic thumping going on somewhere outside. I want to grab my biggest torque wrench, find out what’s making the noise, and smash it until it stops.
Stay safe.
Not A Bad Week
Song: “Magic Carpet Ride” by Steppenwolf
Mood: 7.5
Nightmares: 0
Ghosts: Pack
It’s Friday already! Once again I have no idea where the time went, but the week hasn’t been too bad at all.
On Wednesday afternoon, FA and DM stopped by for a quick visit out in the driveway (these are strange times) and we exchanged some stuff. I gave FA some project stuff and an old network drive we had that still works and should do the trick for them. FA brought a birdhouse she built from scratch – it’s nice and sturdy and will work very well. Despite a rather brisk breeze, J and I really enjoyed the chat, and it was very good to see the two of them again. I think that sometimes J and I like to think we make good hermits but we both miss not socializing with family and friends.
Earlier in the day on Wednesday, I had two telephone appointments: one with a dietitian and one with Dr W. The dietitian and I are working on getting me to recognize queues for when I’m hungry and when I’m full again. I haven’t felt hunger or fullness since before I ended up in the hospital, and it would be very helpful to be able to notice and use those sensations again.
The Dr W appointment went well, too. We didn’t make any medication changes because I would rather keep things the same right now and he agreed and said that it’s not a good idea to change medications when we’re under stress. And there’s a fair amount of that going around right now. He was mostly concerned about how I’m handling current events and how well I’m doing being cooped up in the house.
I’m fine with being cooped up in the house; it doesn’t bother me at all. I have more than enough things to keep me busy or entertained, and I’m more comfortable at home anyway. As for current events, I’ve dialed back my news intake again because I’ve felt on several occasions now the urge to wind myself into a knot over things. I’ve been able to see it coming and have been able to deal with it, but it’s starting to happen a little more often now so I’ll step back for a little while.
On Thursday, I had a video appointment with Dr C. It took a little while to get started, but I finally fumbled my way into the video chat and the appointment went well. She is also making sure that I’m taking care of myself and doing the things I need to do to keep from burying myself in worry and possible scenarios. We also talked about making sure that I still get out of the house instead of barricading myself inside and losing the tolerance that I built up for going out and doing things.
That brought up another question. How am I going to react when things go back to normal? Getting out of the house was going pretty well – I got out to visit my parents and in-laws, I got out and did that OCD study, I got out to visit DM and FA… and I was hoping to do a bunch of other stuff this year, too. Visit my parents and in-laws again, go over to FA’s place to geek out, go to DA’s cabin, get out on my motorcycle again… there are so many different things I want to try.
I feel guilty thinking about that – me putting around on my motorcycle or hanging out with DA at his cabin is really unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but dammit, I was looking forward to being able to do some of this stuff again. I know that it will still happen, but I had everything planned out and how it all goes in the garbage and I have to wait. I’m not always good at waiting.
Today, FA and I had a nice long chat on the phone. The call was originally supposed to be about one of the projects we’re working on and the network drive, but we ended up talking about all kinds of stuff – an almost two hour call! I enjoyed it a lot and appreciate her taking the time to just shoot the breeze too because I know work’s got her running hither and yon (metaphorically).
After the call, I went outside to hang up the bird feeder and play around with putting up the birdhouse that FA gave me on Wednesday. I know exactly where I’m going to put it, but both my drill batteries are dead so I’m just waiting for one of them to charge. J got me that drill as a gift quite a few years ago now and it’s built a LOT of stuff but I fear it’s nearing the end of the road. She picked great – it’s the best drill I’ve ever owned.
I’m not sure what’s going on this weekend yet. If it’s like today (it’s around +10C out!) I will probably spend some more time outside puttering around. Maybe sit outside and just enjoy the fresh air. Who knows.
Stay safe.
Pretty Quiet
Song: Music from Stardew Valley (video game)
Mood: 7
Nightmares: 0
Ghosts: Several
There’s not much going on. I’ve been keeping busy with a lot of stuff but I seem to be flitting back and forth a lot again and not making much progress on any of them.
J’s still working from home, which has been wonderful for me because even being down the hall from her is pretty swell. I try to do some quiet-ish stuff and stay out of her way while she’s working, and I think things are working out well so far.
My mom called today with some great news – a family friend from long ago who has cancer found out that chemo is working so she won’t need radiation and can even ease back on some of the medications. Mom is very happy and I think that she and Dad want to make the drive out to visit her once things have quieted down. I’m very happy about it too and I hope that things continue to improve for her. I guess her brother is planning to move into the same complex she lives in which will be really good for both of them.
I finished Disco Elysium, and it was amazing. What a fascinating world, characters, story, skill tree… even the items you can collect and use or wear are really different than usual, especially considering the character you play is a police detective. I mean “track-pants-and-mesh-shirt-and-cavalry-boots-and-fedora-and-bag-full-of-recycling-and-clipboard” different. I’m already looking forward to playing it through again.
J and I have been enjoying playing Stardew Valley in the evenings. It’s a nice, relaxing way to hang out and chat about whatever while saying hi to cute little virtual chickens. Seriously, the virtual chickens are pretty darn cute:
And so is the dog:
Tomorrow I have another telephone appointment in the afternoon, which will be fine. Other than that, I’m going to see about doing something about my crappy attention span and actually get something done.
Stay safe.
They Were THIS Close To Doing Something Nice… For Once
Due to the economic and personal financial uncertainty surrounding current events, the six largest banks in Canada announced back in March that they were going to allow affected customers to defer their mortgages for up to six months:
From the article: “The banks urged Canadians or business owners facing hardship to contact their bank directly to discuss options that may be available.”
J and I were really surprised when we heard about this – after all, the banks aren’t known for being helpful or even nice to their personal and small business clients – but I suspected there was another shoe to drop.
And today it did.
It turns out that while yes, the banks are allowing deferrals, they will still be charging interest on the deferred payments and adding it to the outstanding balance. That means that the people who applied for deferrals because they can’t pay their mortgages right now because they’ve been furloughed/lost their jobs/have sudden child care costs/are losing their business, etc, will now have to pay interest ON THE INTEREST on they payments they needed a deferral for:
This can end up adding thousands of dollars to already vulnerable people, families, and businesses… while making the banks that much extra money. I’m not going to go into how much money these banks made last year (you can look that up if you’re interested), but I suspect that while close to a million Canadians lost their jobs in a week (https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-03-25/economic-pain-just-getting-started-in-canada-after-jobless-spike), the banks will have no problem making their shareholders happy.
Policies and decisions like this end up hurting the people they’re purported to help. And those people always seem to be the ones who are already struggling.
And the banks were thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to doing something good. But then, they acted like… you know… banks.
Stay safe.
Slept Like A Log
Song: “Top of the World” by The Carpenters
Mood: 7
Nightmares: 0
Ghosts: Few
I know that current events don’t lend themselves much to silver linings, but it’s been wonderful with J working from home. She treats it like a regular work day – puts on real pants and everything, and I only see her when she takes a break or is on lunch – but it’s just so great that she’s around. The only downside is that the days are going by even faster than usual. I know the weekend was good but I can’t for the life of me remember what we did.
What has been happening the last two nights, though, is that I’ve been sleeping really well. My CPAP machine keeps track of how many breathing-related things happen while I’m sleeping, with the good range being below ten per hour. Usually I’m around 2.5 to 3.5, but three nights ago it was 5.8. I was a little concerned that my machine needed adjustment, but the following two nights my number has been around 1.3, which is great. I also don’t remember waking up because of nightmares or worrying the last two nights, either. I even got up with my alarm today without too much whimpering.
I’ve been keeping quite busy with the usual things. The printer has been busy and I’ve been working on and/or arguing with lots of projects, most of which have been going well. I have a Carpenters song stuck in my head, which is a little problematic. Could be worse – at least it’s a little more uptempo than some of their other songs.
J and I started watching Good Omens yesterday. The show isn’t too bad so far but the characters look different than they did in my mind’s eye when I read the book. I suppose that’s to be expected. I’ve also been taking a little bit of time in the evenings to watch some “classic” shows. The most recent one has been Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory from 1971. It’s… uhm… well, let’s just say it’s not how I remember it, so I’ve been watching it a bit at a time. I know it’s from a different time, but it’s a little cringe-inducing.
I haven’t volunteered at the church for a while now and don’t have any plans to go. I’m pretty sure it’s closed to the public now.
Tomorrow afternoon I have a phone appointment with Dr H. I think it’s a follow-up about the liver stuff we’ve been investigating, so nothing too exciting.
J just turned on her computer and we’re going to play some Stardew Valley before she heads off to bed. Hopefully everyone gets a good sleep tonight!
Stay safe.
Videos That Make Me Smile, Part IX
Wow, it’s been over three months since I last did a post about videos. Well, guess it’s time to fix that.
I hope you find one or two of them amusing – if you’re interested, you can check out more posts like this in the Videos section.
Pennsylvania man captures all walks of life crossing log bridge
What do you get when you put a creek, a log, a camera, and some time in a box and give it a good shake? Magic, that’s what!
Super scale active suspension, arduino powered, 3D printed, RC drift, Oldsmobile Dynamic 88 *SHORT*
Even if you don’t like cars or computers or models or cars with computers in them, you’ve got to admit that making a model of a 1960s station wagon with crappy suspension is one thing… but making it MOVE like a 1960s station wagon with crappy suspension is another thing entirely!
AT-AT DAY AFTERNOON
This one makes me smile every time I watch it. It looks so innocent and happy!
Toto – Africa (metal cover by Leo Moracchioli feat. Rabea & Hannah)
I just heard about this guy the other day and I’ve got to say that I’m pretty amazed – he plays a zillion different instruments, does it well, and seems like he’s got a good sense of humour too. His guest artists are fantastic, too. Hooray for Norway!
Stay safe.