Monthly Archives: April 2018

Song: “A Little Respect” by Erasure

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

This is going to be a very short post – I’m very tired and my medications are making it hard for me to do things like type accurately and keep my eyes pointed where I want them to.

Today was a reasonable day. I woke up worrying four or five times last night but was able to calm down and get myself back to sleep without taking too much time.

I went for my walk today, took my normal path, and used the opportunity to drop off a cheque for the lawn service company that dethatched and aerated our lawn. They did a really good job this year, and the lawn really needed it – I wasn’t able to trim the lawn or rake the leaves last fall so things were in rough shape.

I’ve picked my next exposure target: the toaster. The idea being I make some toast, unplug it, and then stay away from it for as long as it takes for my anxiety to fall to half of what it was at its peak. I suppose I could just turn it on and then turn it off, too, but fortunately I like toast a lot so it shouldn’t be much of a problem.

Got news from my mother-in-law that she has already been to the phone place and is now using the Galaxy S4. I hope that she finds it useful and doesn’t experience any frustration. The cool thing now is I can text her pictures and little videos that she couldn’t get on her old phone.

I was hoping to make it a little further and write more but I’m spending more time trying to get my eyes looking in the right direction than I am typing. I think I have to head toward bed.

Stay safe.

Song: “Bricks” by Crimpshrine (mostly for the bass line)

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

This has been a pretty good weekend. To start it, FA came by on Friday afternoon. We talked over lunch (delicious, delicious burritos) and then played a bunch of games of Carcassonne while listening to music and swapping stories. I had a great time and really enjoyed hanging out with FA. As she was about to leave, we talked about having a pizza dinner along with DM and J sometime soon. I think that’s a great idea!

On Saturday, J went to a party celebrating her aunt’s retirement. I felt bad about not being able to go but I sent a text apologizing; fortunately, her aunt said it was okay. After the party, J came home and her parents (who were in town for the party) stopped by for a visit. It was very good to see them again – I hadn’t seen my father-in-law for quite some time and it was good to sit and talk for a while. They also brought leftovers from the party so I enjoyed some of the food too (can’t go wrong with butter chicken and rice!). My mother-in-law took my cleaned up and prepped Galaxy S4 and I think she’s going to get service for it sometime soon. I hope it works well for her – it’s still a great machine.

Last night, we watched Horrible Bosses. It was pretty good, although I wasn’t quite expecting the language throughout. I’m also not a big fan of Charlie Day when he turns all squeaky and weird. Still, I think that’s one that J and I will probably watch again sometime.

Today, J and I hung out, doing our own thing for a while. I worked a little more on the DVDs and sent WG an email. I also watched a couple of episodes of Community just for fun. After we had supper (more leftovers, mmm…) we went downstairs and watched several episodes of Boston Legal. Turns out I missed another one the other night after I’d taken my evening medications so there was a bit of confusion but we got it figured out. After we finished watching the show, we sat and talked for a while about everything and nothing. It was a good conversation.

I’m thinking about taking a different path for when I go out for my walks. Now that the snow and ice are gone, my original path is a possibility again, but there is no shortage of different routes that I can take. One possibility would take me to the little strip mall where I used to pick up groceries. That may be worth trying – if I can get comfortable with going to the grocery store, I might be able to give J a break from doing all the shopping. That would be good. There’s also a toy and game store in the same mini-mall as the grocery store, and that’s a place I’d like to go with FA sometime.

I still haven’t decided on a new target for the exposure exercise. I think the garage door might be too much right now, but I can’t think of what else to try. The toaster? Dishwasher? Toilet? Stick with the bathroom fan? I need to decide and start in on it tomorrow.

I also need to start picking something that I can’t keep from checking and write about what’s going on in my head. I think I am going to start with one a day – if I tried to do everything that’s going through my head I’d never finish.

With the nice spring weather out there, we’ve been able to open the windows and let the fresh air in for the last couple of days. It’s been nice, although today was very windy and there was a lot of dust in the air. Once we get a good rain or two, or the street sweepers finish their work, it should be a lot better.

I’m sad it’s Sunday evening. The weekend went by far too quickly.

Stay safe.

Song: “Hooked On A Feeling” by Blue Swede

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

No nightmares and no panic attacks last night, so I’m going to call it a decent sleep. I still woke up worrying a few times but I was able to get back to sleep after not too long.

I caught myself getting distracted a few times but was able to get through my exercises without getting too frustrated – a definite improvement over how things were going for a while there. I can feel the benefits of doing the mindfulness and worry period again – I think that’s a good sign.

I did the bathroom fan exposure again today, and put my numbers into graphs. When I look at the graphs, there’s a big improvement between when I started on it a couple of weeks ago and now. Another good thing that I’ve noticed is that the work I did with the stove seems to be sticking, too.

J came and picked me up for my appointment this afternoon with Dr P. When I got to the waiting room, there was a very interesting new arrangement of flowers on the side table, and the usual plant had been moved to the table in the middle of the room. I tried to concentrate on and observe the flowers but after a little bit I couldn’t focus on them and went back to squeezing the life out of the little green book I take to my sessions.

It was difficult to concentrate at my appointment again, but I recorded the session and will review it over the weekend. We talked a lot about what I was thinking about and what’s going through my head when I’m away from home, and discussed some of the possible directions that the therapy we’re doing can go. Dr P was pleased with how the bathroom fan exposure went and mentioned that I could try another target if I wanted to (I haven’t decided what to do yet).

We also spoke about my propensity to go to great lengths to think of everything that could possibly go wrong with something and the worst-case consequences and then wind myself into knots over it. Planning for disasters and thinking of the worst possible things that could happen is something that I’ve been quite good at in the past (particularly at work), but for whatever reason, I’m no longer able to selectively apply it. I think about it all the time and for everything. The house, the car, family, friends, driving, cooking… everything. Dr P suggested that when I’m very anxious about something and need to check it, I should take some time to write down exactly what I’m thinking and then read it back to myself. I kind of wrote down what was in my head a little while ago when I freaked out a bit about the fan but Dr P suggested that I go into as much detail as possible. I typically find that writing about things is helpful so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem, aside from the number of things that I worry about in a day (or even in two minutes). I think I will pick one or two things a day so I’m not spending my whole day writing. That’s my new homework for the next three weeks (Dr P is going on holidays so I won’t see him for a bit).

J picked up a rotisserie chicken and potato salad while I was at my appointment and when we got home we made chicken sandwiches and talked about how our days went. She is very good at calming me down and making me feel like there isn’t a disaster lurking around every corner. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m a very lucky guy. The world would be a much better place if everyone had a J in their lives.

FA is coming over tomorrow and we’re going to have lunch, talk about stuff, and play some games. I’m looking forward to hanging out with her again – it’s always a good time and she has a lot of great stories.

So, no appointment with Dr P for three weeks and no appointment with Dr W for two. Looks like I have next week off. I think that’s okay.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Argh… this is going to be a short post – I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and my evening medications are kicking the crap out of me.

Woke up worrying during the night a couple of times again. Unfortunately, during one of the times when I was awake, a panic attack hit and I spent about 40 minutes sitting on the chesterfield in the living room, trying to stay quiet so I didn’t wake J up.

I couldn’t get back to sleep after J left for work, which didn’t help, either. It’s not her – she’s really quiet in the mornings – it’s me and my stupid brain.

Did the bathroom fan exposure twice today. It’s going alright.

My mom and sister called today. It was good to talk to both of them. My sister and I are trying to get into the habit of talking once a week, and it’s been going well so far.

The lawn company came by again today to finish up the front and do the back yards. I hid inside with the blinds drawn while they did their work.

Had my Dr W appointment this afternoon. It ran longer than usual and was difficult and very tiring. Dr W asked me quite a few questions and was wondering what I was doing in therapy. He was also trying to figure out where this stuff came from. I told him that a lot of it has been following me for decades now but I used to be able to power through it. Since things changed at work about five years ago, I no longer had the reserves to be able to deal with things that would come up. For whatever reason, I don’t seem to be getting those reserves back.

Dr W has been in touch with a colleague who’s an expert with OCD and she suggested a couple of medication changes. We’re only going to make small changes at a time, which I think is a very good idea. For now, we’re increasing my venlafaxine to 375mg and reducing my sertraline to 50mg. I go back to see him in two weeks and we’ll make more adjustments then if needed.

I am getting very frustrated/disheartened with how things are going. Everybody wants me to feel better but I feel like I’m letting everybody down because I can’t get my stuff together. I’m starting to feel like I’m running on a treadmill in a dark room – I know there’s a door somewhere but I can’t see it and no matter how far or fast I run I never get to it.

DA texted me this evening, asking if I could give him a hand this weekend out at his cabin but I had to say no. He doesn’t ask for things very often, I enjoy hanging out with him, and I like being out at his cabin, so I feel pretty bad and guilty right now.

I’ve been arguing with myself over whether I should try to get in touch with those old friends I used to know that I mentioned yesterday. Part of me would really like to just say hi, but it’s been an eternity since we last talked and I’m sure we are all very different people. I know I am. It would also be a letdown if they didn’t remember who I was or said right off the bat to leave them alone. I’m not sure what to do.

I have a Dr P appointment tomorrow. I am really not looking forward to going, especially after today. I just want to go sit in a corner by myself in the dark. But now I really need to go to bed, my eyes keep closing.

Stay safe.

Song: “Rock Me Amadeus” by Falco

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Sorry – I know I missed my post last night and tonight’s is going to be pretty short.

Things are alright. I’m still having trouble with my exercises but it’s not as bad as it was for a while there.

I’m still doing my walks, and today was the first day I went without a jacket. It was a little cool but still very nice, and I guess I would’ve got my vitamin D, too.

I did the bathroom fan exposure twice yesterday and three times today.

My mother-in-law is interested in upgrading to a full-on smartphone, so I’ve been cleaning up and testing out my old Galaxy S4 to give her so she can give it a try. I know it’s a little long in the tooth, but once I took it out of the case, I found myself still amazed at the build quality and look of the phone. I am very happy with my S7, but the S4 is no slouch. I think she’ll like it. The only thing that may need replacing is the battery. I’m running some tests but I’m pretty sure that it is pretty worn.

J went to the watch repair store on her way home from work today and got my watch fixed (thank you!!). It’s a big, heavy watch that I got so used to wearing that it feels weird when I don’t have it on. J gave me the watch many years ago and it’s been the best and longest-lived one I’ve ever owned. It’s awesome.

J and I have been talking a lot about what happened before we started dating. Places we went, people we knew, things we did – all kinds of stuff. A lot of the stuff I talked about I had never told to any other human being, and I think she told me a bunch of stuff like that, too. It was very interesting to talk about stuff from 20 or 30 years ago and how various events and people taught us important life lessons and helped form (or scar) us and make us the people who we are today. Unfortunately, we stayed up way too late on Sunday and Monday night talking about this stuff, but I enjoyed it. There were quite a few things that felt very good to tell someone else.

As part of those conversations, we did the kind of creepy thing and Googled people we used to know. We couldn’t find a lot of them, but some people we went to school or hung out with are on the Internet somewhere. I was happy to see that a couple of people I was good friends with in high school (they lived in a different city but we would get together for camps (we all played trumpet) and see each other quite often) are doing very well for themselves – one of them is in Dartmouth, Canada, while the other is in Cologne, Germany. I’ve thought about dropping them an email or something to say hello but in reality it’s been (let me grab my calculator…) almost 25 years since I saw them last – they probably don’t even remember me anymore.

I would really like to say more about this but like I said earlier – I need to cut this post short so I can get to bed at a reasonable time this evening. I’ll write more tomorrow.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

It has been very difficult to accomplish anything this weekend. In addition to the anxiety and guilt, I’m feeling pretty down now, too. I didn’t sleep very well this weekend and my exercises didn’t go well, either, so that may have something to do with it.

Yesterday, I gave up on my exercises after about half an hour and went back upstairs. J went out to see a movie and do some shopping with her cousin, and while she was gone I went back to bed and tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, all I did was spend a little over two hours staring at the walls and ceiling.

Today, I gave up on my exercises after half an hour and just sat there, feeling kind of miserable and unable to scratch together the motivation to get up and do something. About three and a quarter hours later, I hauled myself off the couch and went upstairs to talk to J and do some browsing/researching/thinking, which didn’t go all that great.

J and I started to watch The Big Sick. I think we must both have been having an off day because neither of us found it at all funny. We got 58 minutes in and then gave up. I think we need to try it again sometime – it’s rated very highly but yeah, neither of us could get into it.

Then, we watched the first episode of the 2^nd season of Boston Legal. I have no idea why they made so many cast changes, but it’s a shame they did. I’m not saying that additions were bad (I think they’re good), but the previous cast was good, too. I’m particularly surprised at how Monica Potter’s character went out.

J and I had a really long chat this evening, mostly about our pasts and what (if anything) we knew about people we went to college or university or grade school with. We also did some googling to see if we could find some of them and see how they were doing. I was pleasantly surprised to see that some of my old friends have made it big. The whole thing was interesting, and we must’ve talked for about three hours.

The work week starts tomorrow. I need to get a good sleep and then keep myself busy – hopefully my mood will be better tomorrow and I’ll be able to get through my exercises.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

It’s late and I should really be getting to bed so this is probably going to be a short (and possibly nonsensical) post.

Last night went pretty much the same way my nights have been going lately – wake up worrying about something, do some grounding and breathing, concentrate on the sound of J breathing, fall back asleep, repeat. I think it’s starting to catch up with me. I’m tempted to try taking a nap but my morning medication tends to perk me up and I don’t want to risk messing up my sleep schedule by napping in the middle of the day.

My exercises did not go well. All I could think about was how much I’ve upset, inconvenienced, and let down all of the people who I really care about. I gave up after about half an hour and went back upstairs. If I miss my exercises or they don’t go well, it kind of eats at me for the rest of the day. My luck with them hasn’t been that great for the last while, and I think that that is starting to catch up with me, too.

I did two runs with the fan exposure today, several hours apart. I think that made things easier for the second run – when I do them one right after another, the second (and third, etc) run seem to be more difficult than the first, particularly right at the start. I think I wind myself up while doing this stuff, so when it comes time to do the next one, I’m already a little more anxious than I was at the beginning of the first run.

My parents called this afternoon. It was good to talk to them and they sounded pretty good. Dad’s looking forward to getting back out on his bicycle now that the snow is almost gone and the weather is much nicer. Mom was wondering about my Dr P appointment and she is very optimistic that all of the things we’re working on now will improve/resolve shortly. I don’t really share her optimism but it would be great if it turned out that she was right.

J went out for groceries this evening. I really, really appreciate that she does that. I wish I could somehow do something to help – in addition to being very grateful for her going shopping, I feel very guilty that she’s always the one taking time out of her evenings or weekends to do all of the house-related errands. She has other things that she wants and needs to do, too, and I hate being useless. I need to figure out a way to make things up to her.

Not just to J, either – I need to figure out how to make things up to a whole bunch of people. I guess I’ve got a lot of thinking I need to do.

Stay safe.

Song: “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

I did end up freaking myself out a bit with all of the stuff I was thinking about last night and it took me a long time to fall asleep. I remember waking up worried about things a few times, too, and I’m feeling a little more tired than usual today. When I’m sleeping, I appear to be sleeping pretty well – my CPAP machine counts how many times per hour my breathing does something weird and the numbers have been pretty good lately.

My exercises didn’t go well again today. I’m starting to wonder if I need to do something different or do some kind of preparation before I start. I used to be able to just go downstairs, sit on the couch, take a few deep breaths, and start in on them. Lately, I’ve been having a lot of trouble keeping focused and I keep thinking about things that I’m worried about or things that I feel terrible about. I’m kind of at a loss about what to do but I’ll keep trying.

I did the bathroom fan exposure once today and it went okay. Still around the two-hour mark before my anxiety is down enough but the numbers are peaking a little lower than earlier in the week, so that’s good I guess.

I wasn’t feeling very perky today so I didn’t accomplish very much. I listened to some music, did some reading (J got me a new motorcycle magazine the other day), looked into the DVD stuff again, and played with some new themes for this blog (none of which I liked).

J got home a little before 2:30 to take me to my appointment with Dr P. Today was going to be a little different, though – J has had some questions and things she wanted to talk with Dr P about so she accompanied me to the session. I had emailed ahead to make sure this was okay and Dr P seemed to be fine with the idea.

J and Dr P dominated the conversation during the session. This was perfectly fine with me and I learned a few things while I was sitting there, trying to stay in the moment and ignore the guilt and anxiety as it worked very hard to get my attention. I am very glad that J came to the session – she answered her questions and the information introduced in the conversation made it easier for Dr P to come up with a couple of ideas for us to try. I need to remember the next time I see Dr H that I need to ask her if there are any psych groups that meet at the hospital.

This evening J and I watched two episodes of Boston Legal. I was kind of hoping to fit in another one but I’m really dragging (apologies for worse grammar, spelling, and punctuation than normal and for any weird statements) and I think I need to go to bed really soon.

I meant to address yesterday’s post this evening but I think I’ll hold off until the weekend.

J has tomorrow off so tonight marks the start of a long weekend. It will be wonderful to spend more time with her!

One last thing – our order of disposable gloves came in today so now we have 500 gloves that we can use when preparing poultry or meat without needing to actually touch it. I’m pretty sure I’m still going to be washing my hands a lot.

Stay safe.

Song: “Sir Duke” by Stevie Wonder

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

Waking up worrying several times during the night seems to be the normal thing for me now. I’m a little tired today but it’s not too bad.

My exercises didn’t go very well today. I tried for a while and then gave up, frustrated. I’m still experiencing worry and guilt in varying amounts throughout the day, and it was enough this morning to keep distracting me whenever I’d try to focus on mindfulness or even when I was trying to worry about a particular thing. It’s confusing when I’m trying to worry about something intentionally but other things keep popping into my head with a higher “worry priority”.

I went for my walk again today. Didn’t see a single person, animal, or moving car while I was out – it was strange. Not even a bird. It’s entirely possible I missed something or someone in my haste to get home but I don’t think so.

Did the bathroom fan exposure twice today. It’s taking just under two hours for my anxiety to fall to half it was at its peak, which is a little better than the stove was when I started out doing it. I think the fact that it’s on a timer helps a bit because it should turn itself off after (at the most) 30 minutes. Of course, if the fan seizes up or gets jammed before the timer turns it off, it will stop spinning and will sound like it would if the timer had shut it off. That’s also assuming that the timer will work correctly and turn off the fan when it’s supposed to. The problem is, it only takes one jam or seize for the fan to overheat and start a fire. At the same time, the fan is on a circuit breaker that should trip when the fan stops spinning, and we re-wired the bathroom when we renovated the bathroom about a decade ago because as we’ve opened the walls, we’ve found that the house wiring seems to have been done by a previous owner and a couple of their buddies over a case of beer. So the wiring in the bathroom should be ok, but breakers can and do fail occasionally and cause a fire. It’s also been a while since the fan has been opened up and cleaned, and the accumulated dust and lint can get in the bearings and eventually cause the fan to seize. A thick coating of lint on the motor coils can make it harder for the coils to dissipate heat, too. Lint by itself is very flammable and would start on fire much easier than the fan’s plastic housing. If the fan does need cleaning, trying to brush, blow, or wipe the lint out of it can force debris into the bearings, which could cause extra wear in the motor and cause it to seize. The timer that turns the fan off is electronic, with an audible “click” from the relay inside the timer when it’s turned on or off. Since the timer has LEDs in it, that means there’s probably a regulator and a rectifier in it, both of which can fail and cause sparks and heat inside the timer. The power that the relay turns on and off can cause small sparks between the relay contacts, which can basically weld the contacts into the conducting position, which would keep power going to the fan even if the timer turned itself off. The fan being in the bathroom is also a problem because of the high humidity and possible condensation of the water inside the fan. A fire in the upstairs ceiling would be particularly bad because the house was built in the mid-60s, the wood is pretty dry, and the bottom layer of insulation in the attic is old cellulose.

I know when I turn the fan on, but what bothers me is that I don’t know if the fan has stopped spinning at the right time and for the right reasons. It could be quiet because the timer turned it off in proper fashion, or it could be quiet because something is keeping the fan from spinning and it’s heating up. I have no way of knowing unless I check the fan isn’t making any sound, that the timer is off, whether the fan housing is warped or discoloured, and that the air doesn’t smell of overheating electrical equipment or burning insulation. I KNOW that the chance of anything that I’ve described happening is very, very remote. I know that. The amount of time it takes me to duck into the bathroom and check is negligible compared to the potential consequences if I don’t, though. The time that it takes for a seized motor to overheat and start a fire can vary, so unless I want to get on a ladder, remove the housing, and check the motor manually, it’s important that I check every once in a while for a couple of hours after the fan is supposed to shut off. I took electronics way back in high school and the teacher said that once we turned off our soldering irons we had to keep an eye on them until they had cooled enough to touch (which, fortunately, didn’t take very long). I took a welding class several years ago and the instructor said that if you’re welding around anything that could burn (interior or exterior walls, grass, vehicles, etc), you need to check it periodically for four hours after you’re done welding to make sure nothing is smouldering or smoking. So, there’s precedent that makes it important to make sure that the fan is not spinning and that it’s unpowered. It’s so easy to check, and the thought of causing a fire that burns down the house or – even worse – burns down the house AND spreads to the neighbours’ house because of my inattention or inaction, is very disturbing to me.

I have to stop here – I’m starting to freak myself the hell out. I’m going to see if J would like to watch an episode of Boston Legal. Hopefully I’ll calm down before it’s time for bed.

My sister and mom called today. I looked into new themes for this site but didn’t get anywhere. I got out the microscope today, too:

Stay safe.