Welcome To September

Song: “Keep A Knockin’” by Little Richard

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 4+

Last night did not go well. I woke up from nightmares at least four times, maybe as many as seven. I had to get out of bed and go sit in the light in the living room to calm down three times, and ended up having a panic attack that took about 40 minutes to calm down from (I wanted it over as soon as possible so I took some PRNs). All of the nightmares that I remember were the one with the life jackets. It was not a good night, and I’m having one of those days now where every time I close my eyes I can immediately feel myself starting to drift and it takes an effort to open them again. My CPAP machine says that I’m not having trouble breathing while I sleep, so I guess that when I’m asleep I sleep pretty well; it’s just that I keep waking up and taking a while to get back to sleep.

After last night, it wasn’t very surprising that my exercises didn’t go well. I did the half-dozing thing again, and all I accomplished was giving myself a sore throat from snoring. I gave up after about an hour and switched to listening to loud, upbeat music and concentrating on thinking.

Speaking of thinking, I’m still working my way through the stuff from my last two therapy sessions. The idea that most people don’t have to put up with a constant ticker tape of worries running through their mind fascinates and really bothers me, and the idea that what I’m experiencing now may be how things are just going to be is really bothering me, too. I get the idea behind ACT is to accept what’s going on and go about life with it always there (the “A” in ACT stands for “acceptance”, after all), but I just can’t accept that the worrying and catastrophizing and the constant meat-based IRQs and NMIs my brain has to service is supposed to be my new normal.

But let’s say for a moment that it is. How am I supposed to function well in the real world when so much of my brain is constantly distracted not by the people, environment, and activity around me, but all of the thoughts I’m having about the everything else. Some days I can barely carry on a conversation with J at home, and that’s both with the person I’m most comfortable with and in the place I’m most comfortable with. How am I supposed to follow directions and drive somewhere when all I can think of is whether I hit a pedestrian a block back, then whether I hit a pedestrian a block back, then whether I hit a pedestrian a block back, then whether I hit a pedestrian a block back… it’s maddening, and I honestly don’t see how it will work. On my bad days, I’m chasing ghosts all over the house and my brain is tasked to capacity as it thinks not only about what the sound or smell or movement I’m trying to identify, but all of the potential consequences that the sound could result in. I don’t think that kind of behaviour would lend itself to successful outings with family and friends.

Plus, I worry about new things all the time. When J went away for her business conference, my brain went crazy about the possibility that she could end up in a hotel room with bedbugs. I kept bugging her to check the mattress and the room, and even though she came home and everything was just fine, I still freak out at every piece of fuzz or dot of something else that I see in the bedroom.

So, no. I don’t think that going this route will end up with me being a helpful person. I see Dr P next Wednesday and am hoping that I misinterpreted things or are blowing them out of proportion (as I often do).

So yeah, lots of thinking today.

Stay safe.

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