I’m having a lot of trouble keeping myself busy. I’m spending far too much time on the couch or in bed and not nearly enough time working on something. At home, I’m surrounded by things that I can or should do, but I’m having a lot of trouble motivating myself to do any of them.
I don’t know why this is happening. I’m still not feeling great but at times when I’ve felt worse I’ve been able to do more stuff. I just sit on the couch and space out for an hour or two before getting up, doing another walk around the house, and returning to sit on the couch again. It’s frustrating.
Even things that I used to really enjoy getting into are being neglected. I haven’t done any welding in months, my bass guitars are getting dusty, I haven’t looked at anything under the microscope in a long time, and computer games and TV aren’t really grabbing my attention right now.
All I want to do is nothing. Just writing this out is taking a huge effort, and I’m sure that once I’m done I’ll return to the couch.
The problem (and paradox) here is that to feel better I need to do things, but to do things, I need to feel better. I wish I could find a little reserve of motivation somewhere just to get me over the hump and doing stuff again. Even sitting on the couch and listening to records would be better than nothing at all.
I have an appointment with Dr W tomorrow. He’s not going to be happy that I’ve been sitting around a lot, and I don’t blame him.
I keep hoping that I will wake up one day soon and feel like I’m ready to take on the world. That would be wonderful for a change. It would be nice to look at the clock and wish I had more time before bed instead of looking at the clock and wishing time would go faster so I could go to bed.
The weather is beautiful for this time of year and I’m missing it. Not only that, but there are things I need to do outside that would be much easier to do when it’s nice and warm than with frozen fingers. I just can’t force myself to do it, though.
I’m not sure what to do other than hope that tomorrow is a little better.