Song: “Your Daddy Don’t Know” by Toronto
Mood: 6
Nightmares: 2
Things started out a little rough this morning. I got up, had breakfast, and then went back to bed for a couple of hours. Not the best way to start the day but I don’t think I could’ve done anything about it.
Fortunately, after I got up the second time, the day was a little brighter and easier to deal with. I read more of the book that Dr P lent me and went through some mindfulness exercises.
My first appointment today was with Dr P. We talked quite a bit about mindfulness and some different ways I could use it each day, and he took me through a cognitive defusion exercise that’s called “leaves on a stream”. It has to do with thinking of a stream or creek or any flowing bit of water and leaves on the surface. You then put ideas or thoughts onto the leaves and let them float away as they make their way downstream. I will need to practice it but fortunately there are apparently some good videos for it on YouTube.
My other appointment was with Dr W. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with thinking about work and insurance for the last while and he reassured me that the insurance company will not contact me without getting in touch with him first. I feel kind of silly mentioning this stuff to him but it’s at the point where I worry even when the phone rings and it’s my parents calling. Did the insurance company get in touch with them to tell me to call them? It’s ridiculous but I can’t get it out of my head. It’s embarrassing to have trouble answering the phone when family or friends call.
Another good thing happened at my Dr W appointment today. Even though I’ve been feeling down for a while, I have not been having very many panic attacks. It’s been over a week since my last one. As a result, nightly lorazepam has been cut in half from 1mg to 0.5. That means I’m dialed down to a total of 1mg per day, which makes me pretty happy. I still have the rescue lorazepam if I need it but each time my medication is lowered by even a tiny bit, I take it as a win.
My OCD is on a bit of an upswing I think. I spent probably five minutes checking the door locks when I left for my Dr P appointment. I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head that they could be unlocked, even when I was jiggling the doorknob and the door wouldn’t open. I’m having the same problem with (eww) flushing the toilet. When I leave the bathroom I need to go back in and check to make sure. In both cases – standing outside staring at the front door and going back into the bathroom and staring at the toilet – it makes me look kind of weird so I would really like to knock that back a notch or two.
I’m feeling better today than I have in quite a while. I’m glad that things are finally clearing up a bit. I still don’t feel great but I’m pretty happy to be where I am rather than where I was a week ago. I am also very lucky to have a good psychiatrist and a good psychologist helping me through all of this.
Stay safe.