Trying To Sneak This In Before I Fall Asleep

Song: “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour (On The Bedpost Overnight)” by Lonnie Donegan

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

Well, it’s pretty late and I’m still awake. Fortunately, J has tomorrow and Monday off so we’re at the beginning of a four day weekend. I’m hoping to get this post done before I wake up and find my face stuck to the keyboard and I’ve drooled my laptop to death.

I woke up worrying a lot again last night and it took me a while to get going this morning. I had to refer to my phone a couple of times to make sure that I’d remembered the hot water tank and the garage door. Everything was fine but the next time I woke up I had to look again. I think Dr C is wondering if me taking all of those pictures as part of my nighttime routine (water tank pipes, water tank leaks, washer/dryer, front door locked and alarm set, J’s keys and purse, the stove and dishwasher, the keys on the hooks in the kitchen, the garage door (big and small) and gate, back door locked and sidelight closed) isn’t going to be a good thing in the long run but it sure beats getting out of bed at 3:17AM and stumbling around the house half worried and half dazed. Now that I look at that list, though, it seems longer than it feels when I’m taking the pictures. I just took a look at my phone and I have about 1700 pictures in the camera folder. I scrolled through quickly and I’m guessing that about 1400-1500 of them are pictures that I’ve taken when I’m doing my night routine. I have no idea why I’ve kept them all…

Today went alright. One of my uncles (the one who had cancer last year) ended up back in the hospital and had to get some more emergency surgery. Fortunately, it went well and he should be home soon. Unfortunately, his doctor told him that this was likely to happen again. I feel bad for him and I feel bad for my mom, too. All of her brothers are been having medical issues – one with the cancer/surgery, one with the diabetes/amputations/infections, and one with ALS. I wish there was something I could do but not matter how much I think about it, I can’t come up with anything. I just hope everyone is okay and that good things happen.

I spent more time at the microscope today. There’s something pretty neat about seeing something that small moving around and going about its business. Colour is hard to see with a regular brightfield microscope, but I wonder – at what point does something no longer have a colour? Something like a proton is far too small for visible light to bounce off of and various wavelengths get reflected or absorbed or transmitted… but what if you were somehow able to get a bucket, wash it out so it was nice and clean, dry it thoroughly, take all of the air out of it, and fill it to the brim with protons. What colour would the stuff in the bucket be?

Which reminds me of another question that I was pondering today: water normally exists in three stages (solid, liquid, gas). Everyone knows that. If, however, you were able to isolate a single water molecule, what state would it be in? There’s only the one molecule so it can’t make a crystal and become ice, it’s not jostling around and interacting with other water molecules so it can’t be a liquid or a gas. Is it just a molecule of water? Or would you consider the temperature and pressure that the molecule is at and determine it that way? To any of you physics or chemistry people out there – please enlighten me!

My appointment with Dr C went alright. The building her office is in is very warm at this time of year so between that and the flop sweat that normally happens when I’m doing something out of my comfort zone, I felt pretty uncomfortable. We talked quite a bit about how things went last week when I spent all that time outside working on the truck. We also talked about receiving compliments and how I’m not very good at it, particularly when it comes to compliments about my mental health. My homework in that regard is to simply say “thank you” the next time someone says that I sound better than I did a while ago or they’re really happy that I got some stuff done. I will try.

We also spoke about Halloween. I hate Halloween – not because I don’t like kids in costumes (some of them are so cute!), and not because I don’t like candy (I love candy!), but because I find it very difficult to deal with that many people walking around outside, their voices, and the sounds they make. Dr C suggested that I try handing out candy so I can see what’s going on outside but I expect that I will spend this Halloween like I have the last few – cowering in the basement with music blasting in my ears while J does all the work.

Oh, and Dr C told me a joke today:

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

On a completely related note, I think this today was the first day I booed a therapist.

Okay, I’ve really got to wrap this up, having trouble keeping my eyes open…

J picked me up from my appointment (thank you so much!!!) and we went straight home. We talked for a while before J headed out to get a couple of things done. Once she was back, we made supper and talked for a while and then J asked me to try on some new clothes that she picked up for me over the last few days. I’ve been very unhappy (and very uncomfortable) with how my clothes fit. I can get them on, but it feels like I’m wearing a sausage casing and I’m being cut in half. J went online to a couple of places, did some ordering, and went into a couple of other stores in the area to find me clothes that’d be comfortable to wear. I really, really appreciate the effort and time she put into that, and how it’s making me more comfortable in my own skin. If you read this, thank you a million times!!!

After I tried on the clothes, we did our own things until around 10PM. We decided that we wanted to watch a movie, and J had just picked up Game Night from the library so we threw it in the player, got comfy, and watched. It was pretty good. Confused the hell out of me but I think if I watch it six or seven more times and have a pen and lots of paper available, I might be able to figure it out. When they’re in the parking lot with the sewing kit and magazine is probably my favourite part. Definitely worth another watch.

I’m not sure yet what’s going on tomorrow. My mother-in-law is coming by at some point and may stay for supper. It will be very good to see her again and be able to sit down and catch up on all the gossip.

There’s a whole bunch of other stuff that I wanted to write in here but I can’t think very well right now and I need to get to bed anyway. Maybe I’ll write about it tomorrow.

Stay safe.

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