Trying To Keep My Eyes Open

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Argh… this is going to be a short post – I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and my evening medications are kicking the crap out of me.

Woke up worrying during the night a couple of times again. Unfortunately, during one of the times when I was awake, a panic attack hit and I spent about 40 minutes sitting on the chesterfield in the living room, trying to stay quiet so I didn’t wake J up.

I couldn’t get back to sleep after J left for work, which didn’t help, either. It’s not her – she’s really quiet in the mornings – it’s me and my stupid brain.

Did the bathroom fan exposure twice today. It’s going alright.

My mom and sister called today. It was good to talk to both of them. My sister and I are trying to get into the habit of talking once a week, and it’s been going well so far.

The lawn company came by again today to finish up the front and do the back yards. I hid inside with the blinds drawn while they did their work.

Had my Dr W appointment this afternoon. It ran longer than usual and was difficult and very tiring. Dr W asked me quite a few questions and was wondering what I was doing in therapy. He was also trying to figure out where this stuff came from. I told him that a lot of it has been following me for decades now but I used to be able to power through it. Since things changed at work about five years ago, I no longer had the reserves to be able to deal with things that would come up. For whatever reason, I don’t seem to be getting those reserves back.

Dr W has been in touch with a colleague who’s an expert with OCD and she suggested a couple of medication changes. We’re only going to make small changes at a time, which I think is a very good idea. For now, we’re increasing my venlafaxine to 375mg and reducing my sertraline to 50mg. I go back to see him in two weeks and we’ll make more adjustments then if needed.

I am getting very frustrated/disheartened with how things are going. Everybody wants me to feel better but I feel like I’m letting everybody down because I can’t get my stuff together. I’m starting to feel like I’m running on a treadmill in a dark room – I know there’s a door somewhere but I can’t see it and no matter how far or fast I run I never get to it.

DA texted me this evening, asking if I could give him a hand this weekend out at his cabin but I had to say no. He doesn’t ask for things very often, I enjoy hanging out with him, and I like being out at his cabin, so I feel pretty bad and guilty right now.

I’ve been arguing with myself over whether I should try to get in touch with those old friends I used to know that I mentioned yesterday. Part of me would really like to just say hi, but it’s been an eternity since we last talked and I’m sure we are all very different people. I know I am. It would also be a letdown if they didn’t remember who I was or said right off the bat to leave them alone. I’m not sure what to do.

I have a Dr P appointment tomorrow. I am really not looking forward to going, especially after today. I just want to go sit in a corner by myself in the dark. But now I really need to go to bed, my eyes keep closing.

Stay safe.

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