Tired But Good

Song: “Paper Rosie” by Gene Watson [it’s a sad song]

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Pack

Sleep seems to work out a little better for me when I’m sleeping in bed. I was very careful last night about paying attention to how I was feeling, and as soon as I started to drag I got ready for bed. As a result, I slept much better, didn’t dream about empty prisons in other countries, and I didn’t have a sore throat or headache when I woke up. I even woke up a couple of minutes before my alarm, which was both great (hey, I’m awake!) and annoying (but I could’ve slept for a whole four more minutes!).

I had my breakfast and prettied myself up for the day, then thought about how I was going to approach the things I needed/wanted to get done. Part of it depended on how anxious I was, and part of it depended on whether I was still wandering around in a fog. I worked on the anxiety part by getting everything I needed for the day ready by the front door, then doing some grounding and mindfulness, which helped a lot.

Since my nighttime quetiapine dosage has been lowered, I’ve been finding that the brain fog doesn’t last quite as long in the morning. Between that and getting up a few hours before I needed to go anywhere, my head was clear well before it was time for me to go.

I was very, VERY glad to get home this afternoon, but I accomplished everything I’d hoped to do. I drove to my Dr C appointment, went for those blood tests, and picked up the groceries. The truck started and ran like a champ, and I got a great parking spot right in front of Dr C’s building. I also took a couple of pictures of the locked doors and reminded myself that the fire hydrants were on the other side of the street.

The appointment went pretty well. Dr C is very encouraging about all of the things I’m doing, and she puts me in the driver’s seat and asks me what I think the next step should be. She then helps me with guidance and I can use to achieve it. We talked a lot about how I felt driving and being in her office today, and the difference between now and just a month ago when I still couldn’t get myself to drive. As usual, I was quite tired after the appointment (it’s amazing how much thinking goes into a therapy session – I have no idea how therapists do several sessions every day), but I didn’t feel quite as wrung-out as usual, which was nice.

I made it to the clinic at about 1:20PM, and by that time of day it was empty. That was great, because even before I got sick, sitting in a packed room full of sick people waiting for someone to stab me and put some of my blood in a jar wasn’t in the top 50 things I liked doing. I got in, gave my information, and had just sat down when my name was called. The lab tech was friendly and I barely felt the needle, then I was back out in the parking lot and on my way to the grocery store.

The parking lot at the store was pretty quiet, too, and the weather was nice enough out that I just sat in the truck with the windows open and enjoyed the breeze while I waited for them to bring out the groceries. By this point I was really wanting to get home. Nothing was specifically wrong (everything had gone well up to that point), but I could feel that cramping feeling in my gut that was pulling towards home. Fortunately, it wasn’t long before the store employee approached with her cart, and between the two of us it only took a minute to get everything into the back of the truck.

The drive home was very quiet. Being close to 1:45PM, lunch hour was over and the roads were pretty calm. I pulled into the driveway, parked the truck, brought everything inside, and then flaked out on the couch for a little while, happy that I was home.

So yes, things went pretty well, and I’m quite pleased that I was able to fit three things into one trip. It helped that there was only time pressure for my appointment; everything else wasn’t time sensitive so it wasn’t going to be the end of the world if I didn’t get there right away, or even if things didn’t work out and I had to call J. I’m still a little frustrated and embarrassed that I used to be able to do this kind of stuff without thinking or worrying about it, but I’m a different person now and that is okay.

There’s no guarantee that I will be able to drive to my next appointment (or tomorrow, for that matter), and that is also okay. What’s important is that I got out today and did things today. Tomorrow will be tomorrow, and we’ll see how it goes.

Speaking of tomorrow, FA is going to come over for lunch (burritos, whoo!) and we’re going to work on stuff, plan stuff, do some scheming… all kinds of fun stuff! I’m really looking forward to it!

Stay safe.

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