Song: Theme from Zarjaz (Commodore 64 game) by Ben Daglish
Mood: 6
Nightmares: 0
I don’t remember having any nightmares last night, or even any bad dreams. I’m not sure if it’s the increased prazosin or just a coincidence but I’m not complaining. I woke up a few times and I’m not sure why, but it sure beats waking up in a panic.
I’m still feeling pretty jumpy and anxious. The weather has been weird lately with the temperature swinging high and low, and the house is making lots of creaking and ticking noises. Every time that happens it makes me jump.
My exercises didn’t go very well again today. It was very difficult to focus on what I was doing and relax – I was twitchy and kept moving around like I had ants in my pants. I didn’t go outside to do my ten minutes because I was going out for a lot longer in the afternoon anyway.
I worked on the quadcopter a bit today, trying to clean out the motor. I got a little more dirt out of it and it spun up properly a couple of times but it’s being stubborn again. It’s not the end of the world – lots of places sell motors with the same specifications and they’re quite inexpensive. I do feel a little silly that I crashed the poor thing hard on one of the first times I ran it.
My Dr P appointment was difficult again today. I’m having trouble concentrating on what he’s saying because my mind keeps going back to everything that could be going wrong. Dr P is pleased with the work I’ve been doing with the ERP and getting outside, but to me it feels like I’m not getting anywhere. I noticed during the appointment today that as of February the 4th it’s been two years since I started seeing a therapist, and when I started out I figured that I’d be “done” by now. Dr P reminded me about the squiggly progress graph. I should probably keep reminding myself about it.
I’m supposed to keep doing ERP with the garage door this week and try to keep from distracting myself too much while I’m doing it. Distracting myself helps me relax a bit but it also keeps me from really facing the anxiety I feel during ERP. I’m also supposed to either walk around the block or spend 15 minutes outside in the back of the house. I’m not looking forward to doing that.
This evening, I tidied up the kitchen and fell into the Wikipedia rabbit hole for a little while.
FA is coming over tomorrow around lunch. It will be good to see her again and it’ll be fun to play board games and talk. I’m looking forward to it.
Stay safe.