Song: “The Circus Bee” by Henry Fillmore
For whatever reason, yesterday and today have been kind of a blur. I’ve missed out on a couple of things – sending texts, putting up posts, all kinds of stuff. Sorry about that.
Yesterday was a decent day. I didn’t sleep well again (surprise) but it could’ve been worse. I spent most of the morning cleaning the kitchen. It really needed it and when it was done I was pleased with the result. FA came over for lunch (she brought delicious burritos from the local shop) and we had a good chat again. She is very busy right now so I really appreciate that she took some time to hang out. She’s coming over on Monday again, too!
J and I did video chats yesterday and today. She is having a really good time on her work trip. She’s learning a lot and meeting tons of people who up until now have only been voices on a teleconference or names in an email. She will be back late tomorrow night and I will be very happy when she gets home. I miss her an awful lot – the house isn’t the same when she’s not around. She has Friday off to recover after her trip and it will be fantastic to hang out with her and listen to stories from her trip. I have to say that even though I don’t like the privacy problems they present, I really like that we live in an age where we have smartphones and video chats. I remember being at summer camp when I was a kid and keeping in touch with people by writing them honest-to-God paper letters and calling my folks collect once a week on a payphone. Tapping a couple of buttons and seeing someone’s face in real time… it’s like what the scientists in the 1960s said the 1980s would be like. Just better.
Supper last night was hamburgers and… something. I can’t remember what it was. Doesn’t matter. I know that means I had burgers two days in a row but they come in packs of four and I cooked up all four on Monday. Supper this evening was mini pizzas made on naan bread, and they were delightful:
A strange thing happened Monday night. I was collecting the recycling in the kitchen and I thought I heard voices. I stopped right where I was and listened but I couldn’t hear them anymore. A minute or so later, I heard them again, then they stopped. I couldn’t hear them well enough to tell what they were saying, but it was a sound that my brain immediately filed under “human voice”. I wandered around the house, trying to figure out where it was coming from. I’d hear it again, then nothing. I looked out the front blinds – nobody in the street. Then I was worried that someone was trying to break into the car or garage but I didn’t see anyone there, either. Finally I threw up my arms in frustration and grabbed the bag of recycling to take out to the bin. Once I got to the bins (they’re behind the house by the gate), I heard the voices again but much clearer. I looked up and saw that my neighbour had a bunch of friends over and had hung a sheet on her back fence, on which she was playing a movie. That’s what I’d been hearing. On one hand, I was relived – I wasn’t completely losing my mind, but on the other hand I felt silly that I’d been winding myself up over something as simple and innocent as that.
Last night I was pretty tired. After J and I had our video chat, I took my evening medication and then went downstairs. I had originally planned to watch some shows but ended up putting on some music instead. To my surprise, I fell asleep on the couch for a while. This evening I tried to do it again but instead of falling asleep, I kept doing that “falling asleep… falling asleep… falling as-BAMP wide awake again” thing. It still felt pretty good to sit there listening to music, though. After I got up I thought I’d write this post (especially since I didn’t do one yesterday) and when I’m done, I’m going to wind down and head to bed.
I had my Dr P appointment this afternoon. J’s aunt had texted me on Monday and offered to take me to my appointment. I was very grateful for the offer but felt bad about it – it’s out of her way and I didn’t want to cause her any trouble. She insisted that it wasn’t inconveniencing her and she was happy to do it so I thanked her a lot and said that would be great. She swung by this afternoon and we had a nice chat on the way to my appointment. We had another chat when she drove me home but I was wrung out and had a lot on my mind so I wasn’t as good a conversationalist. She wasn’t judgmental or prodding me for what had happened at my appointment and made the whole thing as un-embarrassing as possible and I really appreciated it.
My appointment with Dr P was difficult and had me thinking very hard. Dr P frowns on this but because things were different today I took some PRNs before I left home to try and cut down on the flop sweat and white knuckles. The good thing about it was that I wasn’t quite as lost in my own worries during the session. He told me that Dr C is back in the office but won’t be taking patients until at least early September. That’s perfectly fine – I’m in no rush to switch.
Then we started going over my week and talking about the ACT work we did last session. We were talking about whether I could see myself being able to go out and have a normal life even if I had to do it with the thoughts and worries that are bothering me so much. I remarked that I USED to be able to do that, and I didn’t understand why it’s so hard to get back to being able to do that. Something occurred to me at that point and I asked him a question – when he was leaving to go on his trip, didn’t he worry about his house, family, friends, car, work, plants… anything?
He looked at me and replied simply, “I don’t have OCD”.
That didn’t sound right so I said, “But while you were away, didn’t you think about your house? Did you have a friend drive by once in a while to check or something?”
He said, “I might have thought about it once or twice, but no, not really.”
It took me a little while to bend my brain around what he was saying. Up until this afternoon, I thought that EVERYBODY worried about things like the stove or the locks or the furnace or the tires, but “normal” people could compartmentalize that worry and set it aside when they were out of their comfort zone. It had never occurred to me that it’s not a matter of constantly but successfully dealing with those thoughts – people without OCD don’t have those thoughts AT ALL.
JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST.
Dr P could tell that I was thinking hard and asked me what was going on in my mind. I told him about what had just hit me and he asked me how I felt.
Two things came immediately to mind: I felt ripped off, and I felt extremely jealous. Ripped off because I’ve been dealing with this stuff since I was a kid and didn’t realize that I could’ve done so much more, made more friends (and been a better friend to those that I have), done way better in school, been a better person, or asked for help much much earlier. Jealous because I can’t even imagine being in a situation where I’m not constantly dealing with the mental equivalent of one of those auctions where there are tons of people waving those paddles in the air, all demanding attention.
I would like to write more (about this and about other things I was hoping to fit in) but I need to go to sleep and get ready for tomorrow. Dad is coming over for a visit and I would really like to be coherent for the duration of the visit.