Six Months

Song: “Mama Let Him Play” by Jerry Doucette

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 2

Six months ago today, I was discharged from my most recent stay on the psych ward. This is a pretty big thing for me and I hope it means that my medications and therapy are doing the trick. I still get bad thoughts and nightmares, and my OCD has been a little worse lately, but I think that things overall are still improving.

My record is about seven months, which came after my first hospitalization. With luck, I’ll beat it this time. Who knows – maybe that last stay in the hospital will be the last time I need hospitalization for my illnesses. That would be nice, although if I need to go back, I will. I’ve been there four times already and I’m not ashamed or squeamish about going back if I need to.

I’m very lucky to have such amazing support from family, friends, and professionals. Without their support, it’s very likely I would’ve been in the hospital for a lot longer. Thank you so very much to everyone who has helped me out, checked in on me, got me to do things, or even just lent an ear when I wasn’t feeling well.

I still think about work a lot. April marks two years that I’ve been away from my job, and thinking about it still makes my stomach turn. I used to be good at my job, dammit, but I know that I can’t do it anymore. I don’t even know if there’s anything I can do yet. I still have a lot of trouble answering the phone (even when the call display shows a familiar number) and I have trouble focusing on tasks for more than a short time. I am getting better, though, and hopefully these problems will get better, too.

The thought of falling into another depression funk bothers me, too. It’s so incredibly difficult to do anything when I’m not feeling well, and all I want to do is stay in bed. I still get anxious, too, but somehow that seems to be a little easier to deal with than the depression is.

I haven’t had a panic attack for a little while, and I’ve been exposing myself to stressful situations. I went to three large, crowded stores by myself to buy Christmas gifts and, despite a woman yelling at me to get out of her way when I was standing in one aisle, I think I did pretty well.

So, yeah. I think things are getting better. I’ve still got a ways to go but with luck, this time next year I’ll have seen a good year of improvements and be back at work doing something. Wish me luck!

Stay safe.

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