Rough Afternoon

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Horde

Today started out reasonably well. I woke up a few times last night, worrying about things, but overall it wasn’t too bad of a sleep.

Breakfast was Raisin Bran and a couple of pieces of toast with peanut butter on them. I’m not a big fan of peanut butter but I’ve been known to eat it when I’m in a pinch.

My morning went well. I sent out my texts, slogged away on the treadmill again, and had a quick chat with my folks when they called. I sanded down and put a coat of paint on that hook thing that I made for J yesterday, then began thinking about my next 3D project. There are a lot of things on my list, and I think that as people realize what it can do, they’re starting to think of stuff that I can print up for them. I don’t mind that at all, as long as they realize it’s not going to get done in a day, and that they’re not going to get something that looks like fine porcelain and is stronger than steel. I’ve been really enjoying playing with the printer, though, and making things for people makes me happy.

I shaved and went for a shower before J got home to take me to my Dr W appointment. Dread and anxiety had been doing slow circles around my stomach all morning, and while I waited for J to get home, I could feel things ratcheting up. I played a lot of loud music on my phone to try and keep me from switching to one of my “flop sweat” songs, and I took two PRNs, then sat on the couch and attempted to do mindfulness and some grounding exercises to try and keep things from getting out of control.

J got home a little while later and then we had to do a final check of some paperwork she was bringing in for Dr W to look at, and then we were off to my appointment.

Today was my first appointment since Dr W moved hospitals just before Christmas. J had done a recce a few days ago so she was familiar with the area, but we got caught in slow traffic. I sat there with my eyes closed for most of the drive but I could feel the time flying by.

Eventually we arrived at the parking lot. J paid for parking and then we went to the building and… the doors were locked. We tried a couple more – all locked. I grabbed my phone, did a bit of searching, found the number for the hospital’s switchboard and asked them for help. They transferred me to the outpatient psych desk, at which point a message helpfully informed me that they had closed 15 minutes earlier.

By this point we were over ten minutes late for my appointment and I was starting to have trouble thinking clearly and planning next steps. We went inside another building to get warm (it’s quite cold out today) and figure out what we were going to do, and then found signs leading down into a tunnel system. We followed what we hoped were the right signs and walked for quite a while until we came to some signs and an elevator in what looks like a very worn-out section of the hospital. We took the elevator and emerged into an area that… well, it looked more like the warden’s desk at a dilapidated prison. The desks, walls, furniture… all looked very tired. The wall clock was eight minutes off from a large digital clock sitting on top of a mostly empty shelf of local mental health resource pamphlets. A large fish tank sat on a table, filled with fish I couldn’t identify for certain (perhaps some small tetras, definitely some sucker fish).

Fortunately, Dr W’s office was just around the corner so once we were there we were right there, and he could see us when we arrived. A minute or two later, he called me in and we talked. I wasn’t having a good time and I think he could see that. I told him about all of the time I’m spending thinking about that dirtbag I mentioned a little while ago, and he thinks my plan is a good one. He’s also happy that I’m keeping busy during the day and that I’m doing a slow shuffle on the treadmill.

Once we were done talking, J went in and talked with him about some paperwork relating to my situation. I don’t think she had any trouble – at least she didn’t say she had any, and after he’d finished talking with J, he asked me to come back in to ask me some more questions. Nothing out of the ordinary, just things about whether I hear things (yes), whether I’ve tried to hurt myself lately (no), how am I sleeping (anywhere from really crappy to not too horrible), and how many hours I spend on OCD actions during the day. That was a hard one because things can vary so widely from day to day. Some days I’m chasing ghosts all day, while others (like when J is home) are reasonably peaceful and I can get a lot of stuff done.

Then we were on our way home. As part of my homework from Dr C, I’m supposed to go somewhere with J once a week. I’d love to count my appointments, but apparently that’s not really what Dr C meant. So, despite feeling like crap, I asked J if we could stop at the dollar store on the way home so I could pick up some stuff. Blessedly, it was quiet and nearly empty. We got our stuff, paid, got the hell out of there, and back home. I wasn’t feeling well so I asked J if she needed anything and when she said no, I told her I was going downstairs to sit in the dark and just try to calm down a bit.

Because she’s the most amazing person in the world, J whipped up supper and brought it down so I didn’t even have to move. I really appreciated that. We watched some more The Good Place while we ate, then went back upstairs and did our own stuff for a while.

I still don’t feel well, and I kind of don’t want to go to bed because I’m worried I’m going to have nightmares again. I can’t stay up forever, though.

God, I hope this post makes sense… I’m typing with my eyes closed again.

Stay safe.

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