Rain And Sun

Song: “We Like to Party! (The Vengabus)” by The Vengaboys

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 0

I fell asleep very quickly when I went to bed last night. I don’t think I moved from my initial position until I woke up at 1:06, worried that I’d sent some texts to the wrong person. I think I woke up four more times, but it could’ve been one or two more than that.

I spent far too much time awake in bed, staring at the wall or ceiling. I was nervous and wanted to get up but couldn’t get enough steam going to sit up and get out of bed. By the time I got up, it was quite a bit later than usual, and I could hear a steady rain falling on the roof.

My exercises went better than yesterday but not as well as I would have liked. I turned the volume on my nature tracks up by a notch and I think that may have helped. I will try it again tomorrow.

I spent some time with my microscope stuff today but didn’t actually look at anything through the microscope. It was mainly cleaning, putting things away, and checking and setting aside the few samples I’ve got brewing. I spent some time chatting with Lloyd and I think I may have bored him. That’s fair – sometimes he’s boring, too.

I played some more Fortnite today but I think I’m actually getting worse. I’m getting better at working with teammates, but that usually involves me showing the rest of my team where the other players are by absorbing bullets from multiple directions. I’m also abysmal at targeting but I watched a video that gave me some ideas about that. Man, some of the players are rude. The people who sound like little kids seem to be friendly and pleasant for the most part, but the teenagers (I’m guessing 13-16)… good gawd. This is why I like single-player games with a story (like Mass Effect) way more than online multiplayer.

The afternoon was sunny and very warm. I think it was around 29C and there was still some of the humidity left over from the morning.

I had some stuff I wanted to print up but it was in audio files on my phone. I thought I’d try using Microsoft Dictation to listen to my phone and type out what it heard. I spent almost two hours trying to get it working. It probably would’ve gone faster if I hadn’t had to leave to chase ghosts every little while, but in the end, it didn’t work worth beans. I don’t know if Microsoft Dictate sucks, or my microphone isn’t good, or if I pronounce my words strangely, but something was definitely not working.

My Dr P appointment this afternoon was tough again. It is so hard to focus on what’s going on during the session (I’ve made a point of recording the sessions so I can listen to them again later), and there’s so much going through my head that it’s difficult to think on particular topics or ideas. We worked on coming up with a worst-case scenario for one of the things that bothers me (I picked the hot water tank) and then talking about whether that kind of thing could ever happen in real life. There are two problems: one, by the time I reached the elevator I had already thought of three scenarios that ended worse than the one we used during the session; two, I KNOW that so many things I worry about are ridiculously, astronomically, astonishingly unlikely. I really know that. But what if it does happen? Bad things happen to people every moment of every day – I bet some guy who died of septic shock after his electric nose hair trimmer nicked the inside of his nostril didn’t see it coming.

Is there a particular level of probability that I should be comfortable with? How can I find out what it is? How do other people know? I assume that the probability would change with different things, like “this cup of coffee from last night should be okay to drink after I warm it up in the microwave,” or, “my entire leg is swollen and purple but I can still walk on it”.

Another problem is that everywhere I look, there’s some advertisement or notification or article that demands that I keep track of yet ANOTHER thing if I want to be healthy, happy, and a good person. I can’t get away from it.

I’ve got more to say but I need to stop here. Time for bed.

Stay safe.

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