Good Day, Crappy Panic Attack

\ by

Song: “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band

Mood: 8 -> 3 -> 5

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable and kept waking up to shuffle around. Not a huge deal, more of an inconvenience.

Last night before bed, J put together supper in the crockpot and put it in the fridge to start cooking in the morning. A nice turkey and vegetable meal which would be ready at 5:30. It smelled great throughout the day.

FA arrived around 9:30AM and we had a good chat before we took a look at the stack of records she’d recently purchased at a garage sale. Most of them were 10″ shellac records that needed 78RPM but one was a 33RPM vinyl LP. Just for kicks, we gave it a try on the turntable and, after a round of cleaning, it played really well. Kind of cheesy music – FA said it best when she mentioned that some of the songs would make a good soundtrack for a cartoon. Interesting stuff, and no idea how old it was (other than “quite”).

After that, we started work on her Raspberry Pi. It took a while but I think we finally got it to do what she was hoping it would do. I had a lot of fun working on it with her, it reminded me of the times we hung out way back during our university days.

With the Pi done, we headed off to lunch at the local burrito place. I really like the food there, but today it was particularly good. Lots of good flavours. I probably should’ve remembered what I ordered so I can get it again…

After lunch, FA wanted to go to a specialty kitchen store. This place has everything from spatulas to really fancy knives to mummy-shaped cookie cutters. She was looking for a cheese knife, and after a brief consultation with one of the staff, we were led to the cheese knife section (I told you this place has everything). I was pretty dazzled by the selection (cheese knives!) and had no idea which one was better. The serrated one with the holes in it? The plastic one with the blade made out of wedges? The steel one that was curved backward like a scimitar? My contribution to the discussion was to suggest she get the one with the red handle. Hopefully I didn’t lead her astray.

Back at the house, we tried out some cheese that FA had brought along. There was an old Gouda and another one that had the taste of carmelized onions. Her new cheese knife had its first test and I think it passed. Both of the cheeses were really good, but that onion one… man, that was tasty. I’m going to have to go and pick up some of that myself sometime. Once we were done sampling the cheese, we sat down and had another good chat before she had to head home. I had fun and it was a blast hanging out with her again. She mentioned that she wants to tear down an old fence – I hope I can get out to her place and help her with it!

After FA left, I tidied up a bit and sat down. J got home at about 4:45 and we talked for a bit before getting supper together – which basically required two plates and a serving spoon. The turkey was perfect – you didn’t even need a knife to cut it – it just fell apart. The vegetables were perfect, too, and the starch from them basically turned the broth into gravy by itself.

Everything was going well. It was a great day. Then I mentioned to J that I wanted to go to the store to pick up a pair of pants.

You see, I’ve put on quite a bit of weight over the last year. I had to buy a new motorcycling jacket because of it, and all of my old jeans that I wore while welding no longer fit. I wanted to buy a cheap pair of jeans that I could wear out to the garage and not be upset if they got wrecked. My other plan was to buy a pair of good jeans and sacrifice one of my old “good” pairs of jeans that still kind of fit to the garage gods.

We got to the store with no problems and I went into the change room to try on a couple of pairs of jeans. The first pair was the same size as the jeans I last wore. Not a chance – I couldn’t even get the button done up.

I started to sweat. Not a big deal, I told myself. You’ve put on a little bit of weight, we’ll just try a size up. So I did. They didn’t fit either – not by a long shot.

For some reason – I still don’t know why – I started to panic. J helped me grab pants that were two sizes up from where I was, and those finally fit. Soaking in a full-on flop sweat by now and my world condensed down to only what was directly in front of me, waves of panic were washing over me. Thank God J was there – I passed the jeans to her and asked her if she could buy them while I went out to the car.

I think she knew I was in trouble because she didn’t ask any questions (bless you!) and I fled the store and sat in the car with the air conditioner blasting. After a few minutes, she joined me in the car and drove us home.

Once we got home I headed into the basement and sat in my comfy chair doing grounding and breathing exercises for about 15 minutes before the panic finally broke and left me alone. I made my way back upstairs and talked briefly with J to let her know I was okay. She gave me a hug and told me that if I needed anything to just ask her. I’m really lucky to be married to someone who understands that I don’t always have words for what’s going on with me and even if I do, sometimes I can’t get them out in the right order (or at all) to explain what’s happening.

So that’s been my day. Really good, then really crappy, then getting better. I think J and I may watch another western this evening. We’ll see what happens.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Panic, Today

Feeling Much Better

\ by

Song: “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Pat Benatar

Mood: 6.5

I slept well last night and woke up feeling pretty well. My headache is gone. In its place is a faint echo of… something, but it might just me my imagination.

I fell down the Wikipedia rabbit hole today. I’m not sure why, but I had the word “synapsid” in my head and couldn’t remember what it meant. A quick search brought me to a page with creatures dating back 300 million years, which I then followed into each of the geological epochs, extinction events, oxygen crisis, platypus (don’t ask how I got there), Quetzalcoatlus, birds, early mammals, trilobites, various other sea and land creatures, and a brief skim over the big events of the past four billion years. I caught myself with my mouth hanging open a few times. When I was a kid, I really liked dinosaurs (I think most kids go through a phase like that) but the information we had at the time was nowhere as extensive as it is today. Wow.

After I spent far too long reading Wikipedia articles, I got up, stretched my legs, and went out to the garage to do some more tidying/rearranging and put up the blankets to make my little welding cubby. It all went together quite well and I’m glad I did it today because it’s supposed to be really hot tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, FA will be coming over in the morning. We’re going to look at her Raspberry Pi and see if we can get it set up to be a security camera. I’ve done it a couple of times before for my own stuff so it shouldn’t be too much trouble. Plus, I think she’s bringing over some weird cheese to try, so that should be interesting.

My mom called this afternoon and we had a good chat. Everything is good with them and Mom’s enjoying the weather. I really wish I could just hop in the truck (or on the motorcycle) and drive out to see them. Soon, I hope.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Today

Migraine…

\ by

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I’ve been waking up quite a bit, thinking about work. I know everything is ok and I know I’m not going back to my old job but I just can’t help it.

I woke up with J this morning and had breakfast. I was feeling a little off so I went back to bed before she left for work. I woke up about an hour later with a full-on migraine – auras around lights, nausea, the whole nine yards. I emailed Dr C to cancel my appointment, then did what I could to help my head.

By noon it was obvious that I wasn’t going to be able to make it to my Dr W appointment, either. I called and cancelled that then went back to bed, trying to stay as still and quiet as I could.

Around 2:30 the vise crushing my head finally started to back off. An hour later, I could see clearly and think again. I got out of bed and very carefully had a tiny bowl of cereal, which mercifully stayed down.

I’m now in the “feeling fuzzy and dumb” phase of the headache but I’m still taking it easy. I’m unhappy about missing my appointments today but there was no way I was going to make it to them with the shape I was in.

When I was working, I would get headaches every day – even on the weekends. Since I’ve been away and on medication, I could probably count the number of headaches I’ve had on two hands. Maybe even one. I’m grateful for that.

I checked in on my triops today and there are currently two little specks swimming around in there. With luck, there will be more of them and they’ll get bigger and easier to see over the next few days. Once they’re big enough to see reliably, I’ll post a picture.

We have fish, shrimp, snails, and plants in the aquarium. They’re amusing (particularly the shrimp) but I miss having a guinea pig around. You know, something that’s happy to see me when I’m home, likes getting scritched, and is also a mammal. J and I have been discussing it some, but as far as maintenance and cost go, there’s just no comparison. Fish are waaaay cheaper to have as pets.

I’m looking forward to waking up tomorrow headache-free and well rested… I hope.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Today

Feeling A Bit Down

\ by

Song: “Sultans of Swing” by Dire Straits

Mood: 5.5

Today has been one of those days where all I wanted to do was go back to bed. It was a struggle to do almost anything. I managed to force myself to keep mostly to my daily routine, however, and I even spent some time in the garage tidying up. The day went on forever.

I put together the next batch of triops eggs to see if they’ll grow. I used different water source and a different container. Hopefully I’ll see something in the next couple of days.

I heard from FA and we’re going to get together on Friday, which is good news. She bought some old shellac records at a garage sale and we’re going to see if they’ll play on my turntable. Hopefully they run at either 33 or 45.

J and I watched A Fistful of Dollars this evening. Ah, to live in the old days when all you needed to do was make sure you found food and didn’t die of dysentery or exposure. We watched it once a while ago but on the second time through it made a lot more sense.

It’s been dark and gloomy here all day. Got some rain and a few booms of thunder but that was about it. It’s supposed to be in the 30s on the weekend, though.

Tomorrow I have appointments with both Dr C and Dr W. I need to make sure I get up a little earlier than normal so I don’t miss anything.

Other than that, not much is going on.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Today

A Decent Monday

\ by

Song: “B.C.” by Sparks

Mood: 6.5

Today was a pretty good day. I slept pretty well last night and felt quite refreshed when I got up. I’m not sure if I’ve said it here before, but the CPAP machine is a wonderful invention.

I kept quite busy today. I did some laundry (which I’m still way behind on), puttered around the house a bit, did some meditating and mindfulness exercises, and listened to a lot of music. It felt good to be active – everything was easy to do today, which was a nice treat.

I could see no trace of any triops in their little container and it was starting to smell odd so I dumped the water and will try again. I only used about half the package on my first attempt; maybe I’ll have more luck tomorrow when I start another batch. I really hope they work out – it’ll be neat to see something that can be traced back in the fossil record by 300 million years. Kind of like if we had a coelacanth in the living room aquarium.

I’m still thinking a lot about work. J has told me that there is no question about it – I will not be going back to my old job. Dr C and Dr W both agree. I’m afraid that somehow returning to my old job will become the only option. I don’t know why I keep thinking about it and I really wish I could stop. Fortunately, I have an appointment with both Dr C and Dr W on Wednesday so maybe they may be able to help me out.

I gave my folks a call this evening and had a really enjoyable conversation with them. I hadn’t talked to them in a couple of days and it was nice to catch up and see how they were doing. The time flew by, too – we were on the phone for almost an hour.

I have two young nephews who live quite far away and I’ve been thinking of sending them letters every once in a while about different kinds of science. Maybe send them a Sea Monkey kit and enclose a letter about biology, or send them a pair of inexpensive binoculars and tell them about birds or astronomy or something. I’d like to give them examples of different sciences to see if they’re interested in anything. If not, no problem, but I thought it might be fun for both me and them. Now that I think about it, I should probably speak with their parents first…

J and I are also trying to figure out what show we’re going to watch next, now that we’ve finished Community. To be honest, I would be perfectly happy starting Community all over again but it’s probably a good idea to put something else in there for variety. I think we’re going to have a movie night tomorrow and possibly watch another Western.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Today

I Am Not Weak

\ by

My mother-in-law sent me an email a while ago when I was feeling pretty down. She told me she wished I’d stop beating up on myself and remember that I’m sick, not weak.

She was right.

On my down days it’s difficult to get out of bed, difficult to shower, difficult to feed myself and difficult to take my medication. It can feel like I’m taking steps backward in my recovery. It took me a long time to realize that that feeling of slipping backwards is part of my recovery – every day can’t be rainbows, unicorns, and sprinkle-covered donuts.

Mental illness is just that – an illness. The brain is a very complex machine and we don’t understand a lot of what makes it do different things. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and neurologists are getting better at it all the time, though.

We are living in good times. People are no longer locked away in asylums for the rest of their lives, militaries are starting to recognize that PTSD is not “cowardice”, lobotomies are no longer suggested as the only way to “cure” patients, and Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT) is a precise and safe tool – far removed from the old brute force electroshock days.

There are many antidepressant, antipsychotic, and panic-relieving drugs available. Combine that with new psychological treatments like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and it becomes apparent that we are very lucky to be living in this age of psychiatric and psychological treatment.

There’s still a long way to go, however. Too many people still view mental illness as a weakness or a failure on the part of the sufferer. Too many employers either don’t recognize mental illness as a problem or don’t follow their own mental illness program. Other employers have a mental illness program but have byzantine requirements in place to access it. Insurance companies hate paying out money so they’ll put applicants who are having difficulty functioning through the wringer to try and avoid it.

It’s very important to remember that mental illness IS an illness. I certainly didn’t ask for it, and I’d really like to return to a somewhat normal state as soon as possible. It may take years, but I’m going to do my best. I’m sick, not weak.

You’re not weak, either.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Anxiety, Depression, OCD, Panic, PTSD

The Weekend Has Gone Well…

\ by

Song: “Bumble Boogie” by B. Bumble & the Stingers

Mood: 6.5

J is on her way home as I type this, and I will be very glad when she’s back. This weekend went pretty well, though.

I finished the main story of Mass Effect: Andromeda and fortunately, the game lets you go back and finish all the side quests after the game is “over”, too. I think it’s a pretty good game. Maybe not quite as good as the first three ME games but quite good all the same.

I also listened to a lot of records and watch a few of my favourite episodes of Community. J and I watched the series finale and I found myself quite sad that it was all over. The acting was great, the writing was great, and the characters were great. I guess one of the good things about having the DVDs is that you can go back and watch it all over again whenever you want. We kind of did the same thing with Scrubs – another great show.

I was feeling pretty good so I was able to do a couple of hours of mindfulness exercises. Some days they’re a lot easier to do than others, and it was very easy to clear my mind and get into it this weekend. I find that it’s very important for me to do mindfulness exercises regularly – it helps a lot when I can figure out where particular thoughts are coming from and deal with the cause, not just the thought.

Yesterday, I could see a little tiny translucent triop swimming around. It looked like a tiny little stingray doing loops and dives in the container. Unfortunately, I can’t find it at all today. Maybe it’s hiding in the sediment, maybe it died… I’ll give it a few more days before I toss the water out and try again.

I may be going record shopping tomorrow morning with WG. I’m not 100% sure at this point but we spoke last week and were hoping to get to the record store. We always go on Mondays because that’s when the “new” records are put out. I usually give them a quick look before heading to the dollar shelf and going through that.

J just got home so I’m going to end this here. I hope everyone had a decent weekend!

Stay safe!

Posted in: Today

Good Friends Make For A Good Day

\ by

Song: “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen

Mood: 8

I had some difficulties last night after I posted – I got quite anxious and was having trouble keeping it under control. I ended up taking a PRN lorazepam to help me calm down.

I slept well, though, and felt pretty good when I finally got up.

I spent the morning puttering around the house and doing some more tidying up. Again, it felt good to be busy. The excess anxiety from last night was gone, thank goodness.

At about 2PM FA arrived. She came in and we had a good chat for a little while and then headed off to the hardware store. We had coupons that would save $15 if we spent $75 so we took our time going through the store, trying to find things that were justifiably useful enough to buy (which usually isn’t a problem at that store). They have a really neat surplus area where you can find all kinds of neat stuff and some pretty ratty junk, too.

It was good to hang out with FA. I appreciate that she’s my friend and doesn’t judge or expect me to be anything other than I am. She’s a really good friend and I have fun doing stuff with her.

As we were doing our second run-through of the store, we ran into J, who just happened to be in the same store looking for a garden hose hanger. The three of us chatted away as we walked through the store toward the cashiers and had a couple of laughs.

FA had some other business to get to so when we got back to the house we said goodbye and she left. J and I then sat down and talked about our days and I showed her what I’d bought. We had supper and then sat in the living room for a while. I’m pretty tired right now – I’m not used to spending that much time wandering around – but it’s a good tired. One of those I-think-I’m-going-to-sleep-really-well-tonight kinds of tired.

This evening I think J and I are going to watch a couple more episodes of Community (we’re getting close to the end now) and maybe listen to a record or two.

J leaves tomorrow morning and I need to plan what I’m going to do while she’s gone. It shouldn’t be too difficult – I’ve got a lot of things that I’d like to do.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Today

Busy Today

\ by

Song: “Rasputin” by Boney M.

Mood: 6.5

It took me a while to fall asleep last night but I think for the most part I slept well. I got up with J and had some breakfast, then went back to bed for another hour or so. When I got up I puttered around the house, tidying things and then setting up a little container to (hopefully) hatch some triops over the next day or two. I did some writing and listened to some music, then did a load of laundry and some online shopping. I tested my new laptop battery to make sure it would hold a charge and it looks like it’s working properly. I ran a load of dishes through the dishwasher and started on supper just as J got home. I also texted back and forth with FA and it looks like we’re going to get together tomorrow afternoon.

It felt good to be busy. If I keep my mind occupied I don’t think about things like work or insurance. The music helped a lot, too.

I don’t know if I mentioned this already but J is going out to her parents’ place this weekend. It will be the first time I’ve been by myself (other than when J is working) since my last hospital admission. I will miss her but I don’t think there will be any problems. I’m hoping to get a lot of things done this weekend and with luck we will both have a good time.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Today

When The Wheels Fell Off, Part III

\ by

Trigger Warning: this post may contain content that can trigger a shift in mood, comfort, or mental status. Proceed at your own risk.

A few months ago, DA invited me out to his cabin for the weekend to help him get some stuff ready for the summer. I only thought briefly about it before saying yes. I’ve always enjoyed myself at his cabin and enjoy working, riding bikes, or just hanging out. This time, the main focus was to clear deadfall from the dirtbike trails he maintains on his property. Lots of hard work, and hard work helps me feel better. It seemed like a great test for how I was doing.

He picked me up at 10AM and we headed to his cabin. As soon as we arrived, we got to work. We finished putting his dirtbike back together, changed the oil in his quad, and started in on the deadfall. Everything was going well. We worked until dark, then had supper.

After supper, we listened to music and talked about all kinds of things. At around 1130PM, he headed off to his room and I unbundled my sleeping bag and started to get ready for bed. A flash caught my eye – lightning in the distance. Not a big deal, I thought – I’ve enjoyed thunderstorms since I was a little kid watching them through the window with my mom.

The lightning and thunder came closer. I thought about how I wouldn’t be home until the next day; the thought made me uncomfortable. Discomfort changed to anxiety as the storm started to boom around the cabin, shaking the walls. Anxiety started to turn to panic, which caught me completely off guard. I should have been enjoying myself with the storm raging outside – after all, I was dry and safe. I turned on my little tripod flashlight and shone it at the ceiling to light up the area a bit (I can start to panic if I forget where I am) but it didn’t help. For the next four and a half hours, I was either terrified or outright panicking. My nighttime medications weren’t even putting a dent into it, either. I was wide awake and scared. Storm after storm rumbled through and all I wanted was to be at home, hiding in the basement with J. Being afraid of the storm was so foreign to me that it fed into my panic, too – what had I done that had broken that part of me?

Eventually, the storms died out into the distance and I fell into a nightmare-filled sleep. I woke up a few hours later feeling drained and anxious. Talking with DA and getting back to clearing trails helped a lot, but I just couldn’t shake both the anxiety and the shame I felt.

After we finished the deadfall, DA and I cleaned up and headed home. He dropped me off at home and instead of the instant relief I expected to feel, I still felt anxious and scared. Talking to J helped a lot but I just couldn’t shake it.

Over the next few nights, nightmares kept me from getting much sleep and I fell deeper into my anxiety and panic. I finally realized that I needed some extra help. J got in touch with Dr W and he had a bed ready for me 24 hours later. Ten days after that, I was out and feeling much better.

I think the problem was that I took on too much stuff at once. I hadn’t been away from home prior to that, and staying overnight was probably too much. The added stress from staying overnight probably didn’t help me deal with the storm, and the lack of sleep over the next while magnified all of the negative things going on and leaving me in really bad shape.

We haven’t had a good storm at home yet this summer, so I’m not sure if I’m going to enjoy it or want to hide out under the furniture in the basement. I’m interested to see what’s going to happen.

Dr C and Dr W wanted me to make sure that I realized that – even though it was really rough – I went out to DA’s cabin and stayed overnight. It was quite an accomplishment for someone who’s uncomfortable leaving the house. They’re right, but I sure could’ve done without all the drama.

DA has some more projects that he was asking if I could give him a hand with, and J has offered to drive out and pick me up in the evening so I didn’t have to stay overnight. I’m not sure what’s going to happen but I hope that I’ll be able to help him out.

Stay safe!

Posted in: Anxiety, Panic, PTSD