Song: “The Passenger” by Iggy Pop
Woke up a lot last night. I’m not sure what made last night particularly bad but I think I was awake a couple of times an hour at some points. It’s tough to convince myself that everything’s alright and I can go back to sleep when the target of my worries keeps jumping around. It goes something like this:
“Are the doors locked?” my mind says over and over until I can’t stand it. Fine, whatever. I pick up my phone, squint at it, and look through the photos I took on my circuit of the house just before bed. Yes, the doors are locked. I feel better.
Then, my mind says, “Did I say doors? I meant the washing machine. You ran it today. Did you check that?” I pick up the phone again, take a look, and yes, the washing machine was fine just before bed. Something could’ve happened since then, though…
“Nevermind the washing machine – I bet the hot water tank is leaking,” says my mind. Yes, I have a photo of the water tank, and there’s no sign of leaks either up in the pipes or on the ground. But there could be by now – it’s been a couple of hours since I went to bed. And what about the washing machine? I’m starting to get more uncomfortable about that now, too.
I scrutinize the photos on my phone again, taking care to look for strange reflections that would show water where it wasn’t supposed to be. I don’t see any. I hold my breath and listen but don’t hear anything dripping or running. I try very hard to rationalize things like what the odds are that a hose would just happen to blow right after I checked it and would be too quiet to hear. I do some grounding. I listen to J breathing. I start to calm down.
“Okay, I’m glad you’re feeling better,” says my mind, “but I meant to ask you – are the doors locked?”
And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat.
Usually I only get out of bed for nightmares, but on nights where I can’t shake what I’m worrying about, I’ll get out of bed and do a (hopefully quiet) circuit or two around the house to make sure everything’s okay. Sometimes I take my phone along and get yet another set of pictures. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
Geez, I spent far too long talking about my nights. Anyway, short story – I didn’t sleep well and I’m tired today.
I went for my walk this morning and hooooo boy, was it chilly. Once I got started it wasn’t too bad, but I don’t think it was t-shirt and shorts weather. I don’t want to give up on summer yet, though.
I skipped my exercises again today. I wanted to do them but went and listened to music and sketched out some ideas for things. I’m not in any kind of dire straits or anything like that, but not doing my exercises is definitely a negative influence on my day. Not the end of the world, though, so I’m interested in what Dr C is going to think about it.
Didn’t do anything with the truck today. That’s okay, there are still six days left in the week.
Got some more laundry done. All hail the Laundry King.
Cleaned up the kitchen.
J and I made mini pizzas for supper. They were really quite good, and I’m pretty sure I could’ve eaten another one (or two, or three…) if there had been more.
Played some Star Trek Online earlier this evening. Logged in a couple of times during the day to do account and money and buy/sell stuff. It sounds kind of boring (and it is) but I can do that stuff while J’s not here because I can get up from my chair and chase ghosts at any time.
We watched two more episodes of Parks and Recreation this evening. So far, so good!