Not Very Happy Right Now

Song: N/A

Mood: 4.5

Nightmares: 0

I realized that I’d forgotten to take my pills last night just as J and I were heading downstairs to watch some shows. It was a little over an hour late, so it wasn’t the end of the world but it bothered me a lot that I’d forgotten (I even have an alarm set!) so it was a long time before I fell asleep. Fortunately, I don’t remember waking up from any nightmares last night, but I did wake up worrying about things (including, bizarrely, if my stick welder was plugged in and turned on) quite a few times.

This morning I got up and did my exercises. I used that biofeedback headband that my dad let me borrow for the second half of my mindfulness and meditation time and it was pretty interesting. I’m still not sure if it’s reading brainwaves of muscle activity but the bottom line is if I’m relaxed and not moving, I hear birds, while if I’m thinking of anything, like playing a song in my head, the birds go away and the rain returns. It’s interesting but I’m not sure if it’ll be useful in the long run. We’ll see.

I spent some more time writing today. Nothing too exciting and I certainly didn’t accomplish much but it felt like the right thing to do. I did some more puttering around the house and looked up some stuff that had been floating around in my head. I sent out my texts and – get this – didn’t go through my text history! Well, not right away, at least. Once I got a couple of texts back I couldn’t help but go through the threads again to make sure I hadn’t said anything stupid or offensive.

I took a cab to my appointment this afternoon. The cab showed up a couple of minutes before I was ready and I scrambled to find my wallet, and forgot my finger ring fidget thing. It was quite cool out today; despite that, the flop sweat came out in full force once I left the house. The driver was friendly and we talked a bit.

Once I arrived, I went to the washroom near the offices and used some damp paper towels to try and cool myself off or convince whatever part of my brain is responsible for sweating that it could stop. No luck. I went to the waiting room. Someone was sitting in the chair beside the chair I use. I would’ve felt dumb sitting there when it was only the two of us in the room so I argued with myself for a minute and then sat down on the couch. I spoke briefly with the staff there before excusing myself and heading back to the washroom to try and do some grounding by running water over my hands. It helped a little bit and when I got back, the person who had been sitting there was gone so I moved my chair back into place and sat down.

The appointment was difficult. The main thrust of the work today was going over the various activities, therapies, and medications I’ve used, and how useful they’ve been both in short and long terms. Quite a few of them have been helpful in the short term, but it seems like I don’t have a lot of luck with maintaining my progress as time goes on. After we examined and discussed the list he drew, he turned the conversation more toward how would I feel if the thoughts and worries were always there – what if there is no way to get rid of them? What would my life be like if I just said, “Well, what I’m thinking is what I’m thinking and what I’m worrying about it what I’m worried about. Big deal – I’ve got other stuff to do”?

I don’t know the answer to that question. I USED to be able to brush this stuff off, but I have yet to find which fuse I need to replace to be able to do that again. What if I can’t? What if this is just how things are going to be from now on?

I’ve felt very anxious and overwhelmed by a lot of my therapy sessions, but I think today’s was the first one that left me feeling pretty low. I’m worried that Dr P is preparing me so he can tell me there’s nothing further he can do to help and now I need to learn to live with it. I wanted to ask him today but was too afraid of what the answer might be.

I’ve put so much effort into my recovery: months in the hospital, 27 months of appointments and medication adjustments with Dr W, 120+ therapy sessions, not to mention the thousands upon thousands of hours I’ve spent at home working on prescribed activities and exercises. All the mindfulness work I’ve been doing, and how much I’ve been trying to work it into aspects of my life. All the horrible walks I force myself to do, all of the times I’ve fought the urge to grab a couple of PRNs and did grounding and breathing instead, and all of the books or online resources that I’ve been directed to and pored over, finding myself reflected in so many of them.

Over two and a half years’ worth of work, almost all of which sat on the spectrum between “unpleasant” and “REALLY #(@$&^! UNPLEASANT”. It has to pay off somehow. This can’t be what I’ve got to look forward to for the rest of my life. I’m not sure what to do about this right now. I need to think.

In another thing that should’ve been funny but ended up shaking me, I was walking down the basement corridors of the building after my appointment with my head down, thinking very hard about what had just gone on in the session. As I rounded a corner and took a couple of steps down the hall, I caught a glimpse of a man in work gear lurking behind one of the doors, staring at me. I jumped, almost dropped my notebook, and cursed. Then I cursed again when I got another look at the guy:

Staring At Me...So stupid, I know, but it left me shaken. Then, this evening, I found out that the pharmacy missed one of my prescriptions when they did refills last week (yes, I know I should check every time but this time I didn’t). I could feel my chest tightening, like a full-on freakout was coming. Fortunately, I still have a couple of days’ worth of pills for that one prescription. I called the pharmacy and used the auto-refill system and they should be ready tomorrow afternoon. The whole thing left me rattled, though (got that word from J, she asked me if I was okay because I looked rattled), and I ended up taking a couple of PRNs so I wouldn’t ruin the rest of the evening.

So… that’s where I am right now. Way past my bedtime, feeling twitchy, and really really worried that there’s nothing more that can be done for me and we’re throwing all of the time and effort and learning away. Oh Lord I hope I’m wrong.

Oh, and I got a text from DA. He’s found a bunch of pre-built stuff for the monitoring he wants to do. So, it looks like I won’t have that project to work on and collaborate over.

I have a Dr W appointment tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know if I’m up to it right now.

Someone tell me that all of this stuff hasn’t been for nothing…

Stay safe.

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