Trigger Warning: this post may contain content that can trigger a shift in mood, comfort, or mental status. Proceed at your own risk.
I’ve been feeling pretty anxious and down today. A lot of it has to do with what happened Sunday night with the storms, but most of it is something more profound.
See, I used to really enjoy thunderstorms. When I was a kid, I’d open the patio door, shake my fist at the sky, and yell, “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?”, which horrified my rather religious mother. I loved thinking about the enormous amount of energy that’s bottled up in a thunderstorm and how it can make the cutlery rattle in the kitchen and pictures bump against the walls.
Sunday night, I was terrified by the storms. I wasn’t home, but I was somewhere safe, with a good friend snoring away in his room. I had light, I had music, but I couldn’t control my panic – it grew and ebbed with the storms that rumbled their way through the area.
It really bothers me that the storms freaked me out. It’s just one more thing that my mental illness has wrecked for me, and that sucks. I can no longer watch movies that I used to really enjoy (Alien, Cloverfield, and Predator, to name a few) because they send me into an anxiety and panic spiral. After I turn off the show, take my PRN, and do some grounding and breathing exercises, the depression surfaces. WHY can’t I do simple things like enjoy the weather anymore? WHY can’t I handle watching a scary movie? WHY can’t I handle things like the wail of an ambulance siren? WHY can’t I get out of bed some days? WHY can I look at the dandelions and tall grass on the lawn but can’t gather the willpower to go outside and mow? WHY am I afraid to put oil and coolant back in my motorcycle even though I was the one who took them out last week?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????
I feel like a little kid. No – not a little kid. Little kids are much more brave than I am. They’re not afraid to try stuff or do stuff they already know how to do.
God, this is frustrating. And humiliating.