Not So Great

Things aren’t going very well right now. I’ve been having a lot of noise in my head lately and I’ve been having trouble sleeping, which is a really bad combination for me. We ended up calling the Crisis Line last night and J had a good chat with the person on the phone (I wasn’t able to make the call).

I’ve had voices rising above the crowd in my head before and they’ve always been the same. Two male voices, one of which is demanding to know where my Disaster Recovery plan is, and the other berates me and tells me I’m no good, I’m a burden… that sort of thing. What has me scared this time is that the voice that usually berates me is now telling me that everyone would be better off without me and I should just off myself.

I’m listening to music all the time now to try and blunt the voices but all it does is give me another sound to listen to – it doesn’t get rid of the other crap going on in my head. It’s better than nothing, but I sure would pay some real money to get rid of this stuff for good. I don’t understand why it’s come back – I know I haven’t done anything wrong but I sure feel like I did.

I have my next Dr W appointment on Wednesday but I’m going to call ASAP Monday morning to see if I can get in and see him before that. Dr C has given me a lot of really useful mindful tools that allow me to tell what’s rational and what’s irrational, but I’m really worried that if I continue to get little sleep the line between safe and unsafe may blur.

I’m supposed to get together with WG tomorrow morning to go to the record store but at this point I just can’t do it. I feel really bad about that – WG is such a good friend and I feel like I’m deserting him. I hope he understands.

Stay safe.

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