Song: N/A
Mood: 5.5
Nightmares: 0
It’s late and I should really be getting to bed so this is probably going to be a short (and possibly nonsensical) post.
Last night went pretty much the same way my nights have been going lately – wake up worrying about something, do some grounding and breathing, concentrate on the sound of J breathing, fall back asleep, repeat. I think it’s starting to catch up with me. I’m tempted to try taking a nap but my morning medication tends to perk me up and I don’t want to risk messing up my sleep schedule by napping in the middle of the day.
My exercises did not go well. All I could think about was how much I’ve upset, inconvenienced, and let down all of the people who I really care about. I gave up after about half an hour and went back upstairs. If I miss my exercises or they don’t go well, it kind of eats at me for the rest of the day. My luck with them hasn’t been that great for the last while, and I think that that is starting to catch up with me, too.
I did two runs with the fan exposure today, several hours apart. I think that made things easier for the second run – when I do them one right after another, the second (and third, etc) run seem to be more difficult than the first, particularly right at the start. I think I wind myself up while doing this stuff, so when it comes time to do the next one, I’m already a little more anxious than I was at the beginning of the first run.
My parents called this afternoon. It was good to talk to them and they sounded pretty good. Dad’s looking forward to getting back out on his bicycle now that the snow is almost gone and the weather is much nicer. Mom was wondering about my Dr P appointment and she is very optimistic that all of the things we’re working on now will improve/resolve shortly. I don’t really share her optimism but it would be great if it turned out that she was right.
J went out for groceries this evening. I really, really appreciate that she does that. I wish I could somehow do something to help – in addition to being very grateful for her going shopping, I feel very guilty that she’s always the one taking time out of her evenings or weekends to do all of the house-related errands. She has other things that she wants and needs to do, too, and I hate being useless. I need to figure out a way to make things up to her.
Not just to J, either – I need to figure out how to make things up to a whole bunch of people. I guess I’ve got a lot of thinking I need to do.
Stay safe.