Not Feeling All That Great

Song: “I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones

Mood: 5.5

After a pretty long stretch of feeling good, I’m starting to feel kind of crappy again. I don’t think I slept very well – I remember waking up from a nightmare once but also waking up several times because I was uncomfortable. It’s kind of annoying – if I sleep on my back my lower back starts to hurt, but if I sleep on my side my upper back hurts. Just can’t win.

I had a hard time motivating myself to do pretty much anything today. I spent a lot of time on the couch but managed to get some laundry done and fiddle around with my electronics stuff for a while. My folks called and it was very nice to talk to them.

I’m really trying not to but I spent an awful lot of time today thinking about work and where I am right now. That didn’t help matters much, and I’m trying to kick myself out of the rut before I start really dwelling on the negative things again. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again if I can help it.

I don’t know why I keep thinking about work. One of the things that I worry about is that I can’t go back to my old job. I just can’t. J and Dr W and Dr C have all said that that’s not in the cards, but I still worry about it every day. I worry that it’s work calling me in or the insurance company calling to tell me I have to go back every time the phone rings. Even when the caller ID says it’s a friend or family, I worry that work has got their number and asked them to call me to get me to come in.

It’s ridiculous, I know. I know it is. I can’t help it.

Another thing that bothers me is that I don’t know if WG knows that I can’t go back. We used to work very closely, and one of the best parts of my job was that I got to work with him every day. I hope he knows what’s going on but I feel like I need to tell him just in case, and I’m worried that I’ll lose him as a friend. I’m not sure what to do.

Something else that I worry about is what if I get a different job but I can’t do it? Dr W and Dr C have told me several times that I shouldn’t use the word “can’t”, but what if the only job I’ll ever be good at is the job that I had to leave because it put me in the hospital? I like to think I can do a lot of different things, but I’m 41 and there are a lot of younger people with better and more recent qualifications out there.

But enough of that – I can feel myself starting to feel desperate so I should probably switch topics.

I have my first appointment with Dr P tomorrow afternoon. Dr C introduced us briefly a while ago and he seemed like a good person. I’m looking forward to working with him and I hope we can make the same kind of progress that Dr C and I did. It’s very good that he works out of the same office so I don’t need to find a different building and worry about parking.

Tomorrow is supposed to be nice and cool out so if I can motivate myself to do it, I think I’m going to spend some time outside. I’d like to weld a couple of hooks onto my little welding cart and then paint it. Maybe I’ll do some more laundry, too.

Stay safe!

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