Song: N/A
Mood: 5.5
Nightmares: 0
No nightmares last night and I only woke up worried a few times. I’m relieved that I slept better last night, but I sure would like to know the reason for or see a pattern to my nightmares. It’s like trying to predict earthquakes inside my head. I guess I don’t know what I’d do if I knew that the night was going to be bad. Staying up is out of the question. Maybe I could go through the recordings that Dr C and I did to try and desensitize myself to them. Maybe grounding or a round of mindfulness would help. I don’t know.
My exercises went a little better today but I had to get up a lot to chase ghosts, and I did that half-doze-awake thing again. I stuck with it for the entire time but I don’t think I got very much out of it. I might try turning the volume up on my beach and thunderstorm sounds. I don’t want the thunder to scare the crap out of me, but I’d rather not jump at every creak, tick, voice, or car. I need to get more/better sleep, too – that would help a lot. I would really like to make this work again.
I’m still feeling very irritated with myself; I don’t like being who I am right now. This has happened lots before and will go away on its own but it’s very unpleasant. I try drowning it out with music or by keeping myself occupied (which has its own set of issues) but at best I can push it to the periphery, where it taunts me and waits for just the right instant to jump back and be difficult. Argh.
I forced myself to go for my walk this morning. The weather was perfect – about 22C, light cloud, and a bit of a breeze. I decided to go back to the little mall but I took a different route and went through a nearby park. My intent was to turn it into a mindfulness walk and I was at least partially successful. When I’m walking outside, I’m a lot more worried about the house, but at least I’m not going to doze at all. I picked a couple of leaves off different bushes and did my best to concentrate on their texture, colour, and structure. Same with the sound of walking on gravel and the little stones that always seem to be on the sides of suburban streets. Too many people were out mowing for me to pay much attention to the birds, although the smell of cut grass is always nice.
One of J’s aunts had a pretty crummy day – she brought her dog to the vet for the last time. He’d been getting sick more and more often and was getting quite weak and treatments weren’t doing anything other than upsetting him, so she made the call. It’s never easy to say goodbye to a pet, and my experience tops out at guinea pigs. I can only imagine how difficult it would be if the pet has been your buddy for a decade and a half. I hope she remembers the fun they had (apparently he loved playing in the snow like a maniac and barked at skateboarders) and feels better soon.
I spent a fair amount of time today working on a little write-up that I want to send my nephews. They’re both very interested in science and the world around them, so I thought I’d send them some information and pictures about cells. I’m not going to get into detail or anything like that, my intent is just to show them some different kinds of cells and mention that they’re everywhere. That sort of thing. If they like it, great. If not, that’s okay too. Writing is something I like to do so it benefits me too.
My stock of silly cat pictures was depleted so I had to grab a couple of new ones before I sent out my texts today. Fortunately, there’s the Internet for that sort of thing, so it didn’t take very long. The hardest part about finding new pictures is wading through the garbage and duplicates, but I think it’s worth it. Nobody’s told me to stop sending them yet, although it’s perfectly fine if they do.
J spent some time wandering the stores after work today. She’s been working like crazy and likes checking out some of her favourite stores to take her mind off work and relax a bit. I think it’s great that she does that – it’s good to let off some steam or go somewhere you’ve always liked being (like, say, a bookstore). She got home just as I was finishing my supper (she ate at the mall) and we talked for a while before she started in on some other stuff.
While J was working on her stuff, I fired up Star Trek and played it for a while. I can’t really play it while J’s not home because it’s real-time online so I can’t pause it if I hear something and have to go check it out. Although the USS Gungalosis is mighty, leaving a ship alone for more than a few seconds has proven to be a pretty terrible idea unless I’m doing something boring like visiting the bank.
This evening we managed to fit in two episodes of Community. I think this is our… third time through it? Even so, we’re both still noticing new things in every episode. Hey, if anyone out there has an idea for what series J and I should try next, please feel free to drop a comment. We’re into sitcoms/dramedy/procedurals. More Castle, House, and Scrubs, and less Game of Thrones, Sons of Anarchy, and The Wire.
This is my “busy” week. I have a Dr W appointment tomorrow afternoon and a Dr P appointment on Thursday afternoon. I would really rather not go to either of them – I would like a break for a couple of weeks. But this stuff doesn’t really work like that, and I know that it does help. But a break would be nice.
Dr C is also coming back in mid-August. I need to decide whether I go back to being her patient or stick with Dr P. Both are excellent therapists and I think I work well with both of them. They have different but effective approaches to some things, which is to be expected. The original intent was for me to meet with Dr P while Dr C was away and then go back, but now I’ve been seeing Dr P for pretty much a year. I really need to think about this – I’m not sure what to do. Any suggestions are welcome.
Stay safe.