More Nightmares

Song: “Mother’s Little Helper” by Polyphonic Size

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 3+

I had more nightmares last night, all of which were about the tent. I only had to get out of bed once – I had a panic attack and needed to be out with the light and didn’t want to wake J up. Fortunately, the other times I woke up I was able to convince myself that things were okay and I could try to relax.

I tried to do my exercises again today but I am very twitchy today and I couldn’t stop my mind from running to places I really didn’t want it going. I worked at it for about half an hour and then gave up before I started to get wound up about not being able to relax.

I did the toaster exposure again today. It went about as well as it did yesterday. I wasn’t overly surprised – having a nightmare night and then not being able to do my exercises makes it much more difficult to do a lot of things. Plus, every time I’m in the kitchen checking something else, the toaster is right there in front of me.

The spot on my hand is much better than it was yesterday. It looks good, and, even better, it’s not oozing anything weird. Hooray! Whatever stupid thing I did to anger my stomach is still bugging me. Wish I knew what I did, but it could just be because I’m old and fat…

On account of my stomach, I did not go for my walk today. I did open some of the windows for a little while, though, and the fresh air was nice (if a bit cool).

I spent some more time on the DVDs today and made some progress.

Yesterday I thought about giving the city Waste Department a call to tell them that the new company they’ve contracted to pick up garbage, recycling, and yard waste is doing a great job (way better than the last one). Today I decided to throw caution to the wind and give them a call. I sat on hold for 27 minutes and then finally spoke to a very pleasant person who sounded a little wary when I told her I wasn’t calling to make a complaint. I bet nobody will ever see the compliment I put in, but I feel good about making the call.

I texted with a couple of people today. My sister called this afternoon and we had a good talk. I’m enjoying this regular contact with her – sometimes we’d go months with no communication other than the occasional text. Good old fashioned phone calls are good!

I discovered something a little disconcerting today. Like I’ve mentioned many times before, vehicles, voices, sounds, smells… all of them get my attention right away. I can’t help but look out the window whenever a car or person goes by, and any sounds I don’t recognize I feel I have to investigate. I am much more vigilant than I want to be, and yet… somehow I missed the UPS truck stopping in front of the house, the UPS guy getting out of the truck and walking up the driveway, and the sound of the thump as the UPS guy threw the package over the deck railing and onto the deck.

Knowing that I can’t keep myself from reacting to every noise or movement out of the corner of my eye is one thing. Knowing that even with that extra unintended vigilance I missed UPS delivering a package to the deck in the back yard? I feel dumb.

Maybe they delivered it when I was in the shower. That must’ve been what happened – I was sitting at the window for almost the entire day! If this had happened two years ago, I would’ve had a bunch of timestamped camera footage taken at multiple angles that I could review. Unfortunately, while practical, those cameras were another manifestation of my illness, and J took most of them down while I was in the hospital.

No appointment tomorrow, and no appointment Friday, either. I am enjoying this.

Not sure what I’m going to do tomorrow. Hopefully my belly feels a little better so I can get out for my walk without shuffling around like an old man. I’m also thinking of hauling out the microscope again and seeing how my algae is doing. We’ll see.

Stay safe.

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