More Nightmares Again Last Night

Song: “Spacelab” by Kraftwerk

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 4?

I didn’t sleep well last night. More nightmares (tent and lifejacket) and took quite a while to get back to sleep each time. Two of them got me out of bed, one of which I spent on the chesterfield in the living room doing grounding and breathing exercises to head off a panic attack. For the other, I spent about an hour in the basement, trying to be quiet as I could while panicking and sweating through my clothes.

Fortunately, I don’t think I woke J up too many times. I hope not.

The nightmares seem to be like the weather. Everything is clear and pleasant for the longest time, then they blow in, stay a couple of days, and are gone again. Last night was the second night in a row, so I’m really hoping that they’re either done or are at least one day closer to being done. I hate waking up confused and frightened and not knowing where I am right away. I hate panic attacks even more.

So I’m tired again today and feel like I’m about a thousand years old. I’m jumpy, anxious, and really getting tired of going through this stuff yet AGAIN.

My exercises didn’t go very well today. I couldn’t marshal my thoughts and spent more time trying to get back on track than I did actually doing what I was supposed to be doing. I almost dozed a couple of times, snapping back to alertness when I’d hear myself snore.

My mom called this morning to see how things were going. It was a short but very good conversation. She is happy to be home and back in her own bed. She also enjoys not needing to worry about where the cats are when sitting down. She had a good time, though, and I know my sister and her family really enjoy and appreciate when she goes out to help.

Between the exercises not going well, the nightmares and lack of sleep, and the other stuff that’s been bothering me with what’s been going on in the news lately, I’m not feeling quite myself. It’s tough to concentrate on things, and I would really like to just curl up on the recliner in the basement with the lights off. Not answer the phone, not check my texts, not email anyone… just hide.

I know that hiding in the dark is among the worst things I can do, so I’m really making an effort to keep busy and connected with people. Case in point: the post I put up earlier today. I try to consider my blog an “edit-free zone” because I’m just talking about how I’m feeling and things that I’ve done. The post from earlier today, however… I’ve been agonizing over it since Friday. I really wanted to get it done today, so aside from doing my exercises and eating (it was raining out so no walk today), I had no plans other than finishing that post.

Several times, I spent half an hour writing and re-writing the same sentence over and over. I felt my stomach drop as I thought of something that needed rewording or a sentence that I didn’t think I’d finished. I would frequently dash off to chase ghosts around the house and lose track of where I was or what I wanted to say.

I never thought I’d finish it. Was I being too preachy (which wasn’t my intent)? Was I coming across as an authority on the topic (which I certainly am not)? Was it too goofy (which I hope isn’t the case)? Did it ramble on and be nothing but excruciatingly boring (yet another thing I tried to avoid)?

I went back and rewrote entire sections, rearranged paragraphs, checked, rechecked, and re-rechecked my sources, and argued with myself over style choices.

Finally, I thought it was at the point where it was pretty close to what I wanted it to say and I didn’t think it read like some condescending putz wrote it. I was going to wait until J got home and ask her to read it before I submitted it.

I got up to get a can of Dr Pepper, and when I sat back down, I read the whole thing over at least three more times and made some minor edits, then pulled the pin and hit “publish”.

Then I spent the next 45 minutes or so reading it over and over and making some changes. I got called away by yet another ghost, so I considered that a sign and shut down my computer before heading downstairs to camp out in front of the hot water tank again.

J got home a little while later. We talked about our days and then didn’t really have a lot more to say. Both of us are feeling a little weird right now I think. We had supper and then J did some of her course homework while I played a couple of rounds of Fortnite. That buddy of mine who put me on his friend list a few days ago was on so I got to work with him (which was good), and the people behind the game added a new mode and new area on the map so it was quite different. I even managed to get three kills and two more knockdowns. Not bad.

Later this evening, J and I watched another episode of Boston Legal. This one had Megan Mullally as a psycho bride in it. It was pretty good.

FA texted me today and said that the micrometers she’d ordered had come in and she already had a prototype microtome built. It looks like we’re getting together tomorrow at noonish to see if we can make it work or improve it, and she’s bringing over a lump of something that’s been growing in her bathroom sink for quite a while now. We’ll make a couple of slides and see if we can figure out what’s going on. There’s a good chance a game of Carcassonne or Sequence may break out, too. We’ll see. It will be great to see her and hang out!

I hope I don’t have any nightmares tonight. I do not like feeling like this.

Stay safe.

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