Mixed Messages

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

I stayed up too late last night, woke up too many times, and got up too early this morning, so I’ve been pretty tired today.

I didn’t go for a walk this morning because my butt still hurts and I had an appointment this afternoon.

My exercises didn’t go all that well; I kept losing focus and started on the way to falling asleep a lot. After an hour or so, I gave up and put on music while I sat there with my eyes closed, thinking.

I spent most of my day thinking. I sent off a set of really short texts and then sat on the chesterfield in the living room and thought about the things that Dr P and I have talked about our past two sessions, most particularly my realization that other people don’t constantly think about things that bother them, and whether I will have to get used to dealing with this level of discomfort/distraction/embarrassment/disability for the rest of my life.

Time to be blunt here – I do not want to go through the rest of my life living like that. Five years, ten years, thirty years ago, I was able to grit my teeth and force my way through everything; for whatever reason, that is no longer an option. I don’t understand why, and that is very frustrating. I understand that some things may not have gone as well as we’d hoped but I can’t accept that my next step is to just accept that my OCD, anxiety, panic, and depression symptoms are going to be this powerful and this un-ignorable for the rest of my life. I can’t.


Are there any other therapies or drug combinations out there I can try? Are there any therapies that I’ve done before and should revisit? I can’t be stuck like this.

I had my Dr W appointment this afternoon and I REALLY didn’t want to go. J picked me up, though, and we made it through the construction a little early so we sat in the cafeteria area for a bit before going over to the outpatient psych area. It was quite cool out again today and J had the AC on in the car but it wasn’t enough to stop the flop sweat from beading on my head and soaking the back of my shirt.

My appointment with Dr W was unpleasant. I find it difficult to talk about some of this stuff, and I don’t think Dr W is happy with how and what I’m doing right now, either. He took notes while he listened to me stumble over myself and only asked a couple of questions while I was talking. After I was done, he said that from what he knows, ERP is the gold standard for treating OCD, and he encouraged me to mention ERP again to Dr P. This puts me in a bit of a bind as it’s contrary to what I’m working on with Dr P. I’m not sure what I should do about that – I mean, I did ERP with Dr P and Dr C but with both of them we eventually moved on. So now I’m worried about that, too.

I feel very overwhelmed right now, and the really stupid thing is that I STILL have enough brain cells available to hear, smell, or see weird things that send me on ghost hunts. It’s not fair.

Stay safe.

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