Long Day

Song: “Paranoid” by Black Sabbath

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Today was a long day. I didn’t sleep very well last night because I kept waking up to worry about things. I much prefer that to having nightmares but it’s still not that great.

My exercises didn’t go very well today, either. I did the stove exposure once and it went reasonably well.

I spent some more time today tidying up my/Lloyd’s room but didn’t make that much progress.

I’ve been trying to be a little more social and have been texting friends and family a little more than I used to. I know texting isn’t the same as meeting in person or even talking on the phone but it’s certainly better than not communicating at all.

I texted my aunt (the one who sent the letters) today for the first time and we had a good chat. She sent some pictures and it really amazed me at how old my cousins are – I think the last time I saw them was around 15 years ago. They’re younger than I am but I remember them as kids, not grownups with jobs and kids.

J gave me the number for her aunt (who has always been very nice to J and me) and I texted her today, too. We had a nice little chat – she’s getting close to retirement and it sounds like she’s looking forward to it. I’m happy for her.

I also texted some more with DA and did more thinking about his cabin power project.

J picked me up and took me to my Dr P appointment. We’re working on some material that’s pretty new in the field – how repeatedly checking something can move the memory of checking from episodic memory to procedural memory, which makes it less useful and more difficult to trust that the memory is reliable. Episodic memory holds events, like the last time you had pizza or that last road trip you took. Procedural memory holds how to do things, like how to start a car or how to turn on a light switch. Dr P puts it much better than I can. We’re working on convincing me that I can trust my memories and don’t have to check. He gave me more sheets to fill out to keep track of my thoughts and emotions and whether I see what I expect to see when I check something.

I know it’s important that I keep going to my appointments but it’s difficult and exhausting. I feel very guilty for saying that so much, because I like and trust Dr P and really appreciate his time, effort, expertise, and patience with me. He’s not the reason that I find the appointments so rough – it’s me and my stupid anxiety. He suggested last week and this week that I record the sessions on my phone so I can listen to them again later, which helps a lot because I keep getting distracted by my thoughts when I’m at the session.

After my appointment, J took me to the local medical lab and I got the rest of my tests done, which was bad because I wanted to get home very badly, but good because now I don’t have to go out again for that.

J and I watched another episode of The Blacklist this evening. It was pretty good, but we agreed that we’re both in the mood for something a little lighter right now so we’re going to switch to something else. Not sure what, yet.

I’ve been very anxious all evening and could feel myself building up to another panic attack after we finished watching TV. I took a PRN, put on some music, did some grounding, and managed to avoid it.

I’ve been clenching my jaw all day again and my teeth are sore, which reminds me that I need to go to the dentist sometime soon for a checkup. I probably shouldn’t put that off for too long – last time I was there it turned out I needed to get a tooth pulled, which was a whole other unpleasant adventure.

With appointments on Tuesday, Wednesday, and today, this has been a busy week. Tomorrow I will get out for my walk, do the stove exposure and the new sheets, and see if I can finish cleaning up my room. It will be very nice to not have to worry about timings and rides and making sure I have the right stuff for the various appointments at the right time.

I just spent the last hour and forty minutes writing this post and I have no idea if it makes any sense.

Stay safe.

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