Last Night Was Bad

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 7+?

Like the title says, last night was bad. Normally on bad nights I’ll see three or four nightmares, but last night it went on and on, easily doubling the number I usually experience. I woke J up a bunch of times (I’m really sorry about that), and the nightmares ended up turning into panic attacks on two occasions, which led to me going out to the living room and sitting with the lights on for about 45 minutes each time. Plus, even when I didn’t have a panic attack, just waking up from a nightmare takes me much more time to get back to sleep than when I just wake up worrying. I think the last time I had a night that bad was when I was still in the hospital.

So… not much sleep (again), and I still can’t stand living in my own skin. My exercises were a complete failure today and I spent time listening to my new Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers CD. It’s just like the tape I had back in ‘89 or ‘90. Can’t remember how I got it (probably a gift) but I listened to that tape in my Walkman until it was all stretched out and the sound was fading in places. One day it broke and I was devastated. My dad came to the rescue and somehow got it working again. I listened to it constantly again, but sadly, it broke again and Dad wasn’t able to work his magic to bring it back to life. I learned so much about so many different bands and music styles – I think it was a crucial step towards broadening my musical horizons.

All I want to do during the day is go back to bed, but there’s no point. I’ll start to fall asleep, get that cozy “almost out” feeling, and BAMP – back up to full consciousness I go. The cycle runs again and again, and as it goes on, the nice coziness goes away and is replaced by feeling like I can’t move. I can also have a conversation with people who aren’t there, I have a lot of trouble controlling or directing the direction that my thoughts take, which is commonly nonsensical and occasionally disturbing. I hate to say this, but I think I’m dependent on the zopiclone and quetiapine to get to sleep.

Okay, I’m going to stop here. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting very well lately, but I’m really dragging again and the sooner I get to sleep, the quicker I can stop being annoyed with myself. It also gives me the chance to hit the restart button in the morning.

J, I hope I don’t wake you up so many times again tonight.

Stay safe.

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