Song: “Get It On Credit” by Toronto
Mood: 5.5
Nightmares: 2?
I know a nightmare woke me up once last night for sure, but I’m not sure if it happened twice or if I’m just re-remembering the first one. It was the life jacket one again. I also woke up several times to worry about one thing or another. So I’m pretty tired again today.
Considering how tired I’m feeling and how unsettled I’ve felt lately, my exercises this morning went better than I expected. That biofeedback device that my dad lent me is pretty interesting. I’m getting better at doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do to keep it quiet, so hopefully that’s good.
I brainstormed about DA’s cabin security again and came up with a couple of candidates. I went through the list I came up with yesterday and came up with a few more ideas, a few of which I am quite pleased with.
[Give me a second, I just came up with another one]
I think tomorrow (or maybe on the weekend), I’m going to draw up some of the top contenders and see if I can cobble together a prototype or two. I’ll give them a test, and if they seem to be working, I’ll give DA a call and see if he wants to give them a try.
I also spent a lot of time thinking about the same stuff that’s been bothering me all week. I wrote some of it out and stared at it for a while, and then figured out exactly what it was I wanted to ask Dr P when I went to my appointment.
J took me to my appointment (thank you again!!!) and after a couple of minutes of waiting, he came and got me. Right off the bat, he mentioned that he had been talking to Dr C and that she was willing and able to take me back next week. I was a little surprised at that (I had expected to have a couple of weeks of notice) but we did up the paperwork and he is going to write up a summary of where I’m at for Dr C, Dr W, and Dr H; he’s also going to have a sit-down meeting with Dr C tomorrow and let her know where we were at and what we did so she isn’t going into things missing a year’s worth of information.
Most of the rest of the session was spent on thinking of what kinds of things worked for me and what kinds of things didn’t. We also talked about things that were bothering me, so I took the opportunity to tell him about what’s been bothering me so much. The answer I got was kind of a mixed bag. On the (very) plus side, the question about whether I would be willing to go out and live with the anxiety and OCD and the stuff running through my head was only part of the idea. I had interpreted it as it being the end – there were no therapies that were working and no medications that were effective. The problem was, I either missed or forgot about the next part, which is that while you keep chipping away at things, you have two choices: be anxious and scared and worried while hiding in the basement, or be anxious and scared and worried while going out for a walk or buying groceries or going out for lunch. Either way, the anxiety is going to be there (although it’s definitely worse while I’m away from the house), so why not try to accomplish something in spite of it?
So that was helpful and a bit of a relief. Unfortunately, Dr P confirmed my thinking when it came to whether most people just don’t think about the stuff I do. That was a bit of a kick because it explains a lot of things during my life.
Overall, it was an uncomfortable but good appointment. We finished it off with just a couple of quick questions, and that was it. As I rode the elevator down I thought about my year working with Dr P and how guilty I felt for going back to Dr C. I enjoyed working with Dr P and think he is a very good therapist. If you’re reading this Dr P, thank you very much for your patience and time!
I was going to write more but I’m falling asleep at the keyboard. I hope you all have a good night.
Stay safe.