Trigger Warning: this post may contain content that can trigger a shift in mood, comfort, or mental status. Proceed at your own risk.
Song: “Banana Splits” by The Dickies
I didn’t have a good sleep last night. It was the first time in a while that I’ve had nightmares and they kicked me around a bit. Yet again, it’s been the same nightmares that I’ve been having all along (all of them last night were about the tent). I think I woke J up a couple of times, and one time I went to the basement because I thought I was going to have a panic attack and I didn’t want to disturb her if I could help it.
I don’t know what (if anything) brings about the nightmares, nor do I know why I have a bunch of them all in the same night. I should probably ask Dr W what he thinks about that.
Anyway, so because of that, I’m dragging again today. I stayed in bed and just stared blankly at stuff for a while but eventually nature calls and I have to get up.
I don’t think my exercises went too well this morning. I did my stretches, sat down, and got through the breathing exercises. After that, I turned on the wave sounds and closed my eyes. The next time I woke up, the next track (thunderstorm) had just started and the hangy-down thing at the back of my throat was sore. That usually happens when I snore, so I guess I fell asleep. I guess it’s good that I snuck in another 30-45 minutes of sleep, but I don’t like it when it messes up the mindfulness and worrying time.
My parents stopped in for a quick visit yesterday on their way home from the airport. It was good to chat – I just wish they could’ve stayed a little longer.
The recent high-profile suicides have been bothering me a lot. I’ve seen a lot of ignorant and some downright caustic comments, and the only think that surprises me about that is that I thought this time would be different. The world needs all kinds, I suppose. I’ve been trying to marshal my thoughts on this whole thing but haven’t been able to come up with anything coherent, and it’s frustrating. I will try again tomorrow.
But yeah… I’m feeling a little off-kilter with all that stuff. Being tired and my exercises not working out doesn’t help a lot, either.
Please – if you are contemplating suicide or otherwise hurting yourself or someone else, please contact your local crisis line or go to your nearest emergency room. You can find some contact numbers on the resources page.
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU AND WANT TO HELP. PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO REACH OUT.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
I did some virtual grocery shopping. Yesterday afternoon, I hopped onto the grocery store’s website, ordered a bunch of stuff, and got a time from J to put in for when she’d be by to pick it up. It was easy and worked very well – by the time she got there with the car, they had everything ready to go so she was only there for a couple of minutes. Way better than slogging through the aisles, and it makes me feel a little better because I can actually do something and contribute!
I plan to walk to the strip mall tomorrow and try to get into the grocery store again. I don’t think we actually need anything right now so I’ll probably grab something we don’t need, like some gum. Or a ham. That’s assuming I get in. Who knows.
Other than that, I have a lot of stuff to do but haven’t planned out my day yet. If I’m lucky, I’ll go to bed, fall asleep right away, and sleep straight through to 8:30AM. Wish me luck…