I Wish Things Would Get Better Faster

Song: “Killer Queen” by Queen

Mood: 6.5

I didn’t sleep very well last night again. Two nightmares and a lot of tossing and turning. Between that, another rough morning, and being unable to drive much farther from home, it feels like I’m spending more time spinning my wheels than getting better.

I wish I could be working right now. I wish I could drive wherever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. I wish I didn’t have to take two handfuls of medication a day just to keep me on an even keel. I wish I could answer the phone without a second thought.

I know that I’ve come a long way. When I got out of the hospital the first time, J had to talk to the staff at the pharmacy on my behalf because I could barely put two words together. I was afraid to go outside, and I couldn’t even sit in the truck, nevermind drive it.

Now I can drive to the pharmacy and pick up my own medications. It’s a big improvement, and I’m grateful for it.

I spoke with Dr W about this stuff today and he reminded me that recovery isn’t about meeting huge challenges or making enormous changes – it’s about tiny little incremental steps, and he’s right.

That doesn’t mean that I can’t wish that things would move faster, though. I feel a little frustrated.

Tomorrow I need to get up extra early because I have an MRI at 7:30AM. Thankfully, J is driving me there – I will probably need her to steer me around the hospital, too.

Stay safe.

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