I Wish I Felt Better

Song: N/A

Mood: 4.5

Nightmares: 0

I managed to get some sleep last night, which was a very welcome change. The new toilet didn’t leak all over the place, Lloyd is still swimming around in his aquarium, Halloween is over, and J got a promotion at work.

Despite all of the good stuff that’s going on, I still feel like crap. I just can’t summon up the motivation/confidence/energy to do anything. I haven’t done what Dr P asked me to do last week and I feel really bad about that.

My appointment with Dr W today was very difficult. He highly recommends that I stay active (which is so difficult to do right now) and stop beating up on myself for not accomplishing what I think I should. He says it’s not me, it’s the illness. That makes sense but doesn’t really help. He bumped up my venlafaxine again but it’s going to take a while before it will take effect.

Dr W wants me to get out and just take a walk around the block – anything to get me moving a bit and pushing back the boundaries that seem to be creeping inwards every day. I’ll try but I don’t know how well that’s going to go. I will try.

I am so tired of not being able to do anything. I used to think that spending the day playing computer games was a pretty lazy way to spend the day. I can’t even get enough oomph going to do that.

I am not looking forward to my appointment with Dr P tomorrow. For one thing, I didn’t do what he asked me to do. I am also not looking forward to talking everything over. It’s difficult and some of the time I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.

FA and I are supposed to get together on Friday. I’m looking forward to it but am worried that I’m going to do the same thing I did to WG on Monday and cancel on her. I’m also worried that if we do get together that I’m just going to be an anxious stick in the mud.

Stay safe.

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