I managed to get some sleep last night, which was a very welcome change. The new toilet didn’t leak all over the place, Lloyd is still swimming around in his aquarium, Halloween is over, and J got a promotion at work.
Despite all of the good stuff that’s going on, I still feel like crap. I just can’t summon up the motivation/confidence/energy to do anything. I haven’t done what Dr P asked me to do last week and I feel really bad about that.
My appointment with Dr W today was very difficult. He highly recommends that I stay active (which is so difficult to do right now) and stop beating up on myself for not accomplishing what I think I should. He says it’s not me, it’s the illness. That makes sense but doesn’t really help. He bumped up my venlafaxine again but it’s going to take a while before it will take effect.
Dr W wants me to get out and just take a walk around the block – anything to get me moving a bit and pushing back the boundaries that seem to be creeping inwards every day. I’ll try but I don’t know how well that’s going to go. I will try.
I am so tired of not being able to do anything. I used to think that spending the day playing computer games was a pretty lazy way to spend the day. I can’t even get enough oomph going to do that.
I am not looking forward to my appointment with Dr P tomorrow. For one thing, I didn’t do what he asked me to do. I am also not looking forward to talking everything over. It’s difficult and some of the time I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.
FA and I are supposed to get together on Friday. I’m looking forward to it but am worried that I’m going to do the same thing I did to WG on Monday and cancel on her. I’m also worried that if we do get together that I’m just going to be an anxious stick in the mud.