Sorry I didn’t post anything last night, I just couldn’t scrape together the oomph to do it. Today was similar – I spent almost my whole day in bed – but this evening J hauled me out to the garage and we got a bunch of stuff accomplished. For me, the big thing is that the motorcycle is finally back together and running. I even sat on it and got it to drag my fat butt a few feet. The sidestand safety switch is acting up, but a couple of whacks with a wrench got it behaving again.
WG called yesterday morning and asked if I wanted to go record shopping. I had to say no because I couldn’t get out of bed. Then I was staring at the wall, feeling guilty. WG is a very good friend and, just like FA, I hate it when I can’t get my butt out of bed to get together with them and have a good time. I’m supposed to get together with FA on Friday and I really don’t want to cancel on her yet again. My parents are coming in on Thursday and J and I are looking forward to seeing them but I need to get out of bed.
I have my Dr C and Dr W appointments tomorrow. There’s a lot of stuff going on in my head that I’m both looking forward to and dreading telling them. I don’t know why I’m feeling so down and tired but I really hope there’s a solution for it. I’m starting to get worried about my own safety again. J and I had a really good chat about it yesterday – I spent the conversation holding onto her like a drowning man clutching a tree branch – and she cleared up some of my misconceptions as to what things would be like if I weren’t around anymore. It was a very difficult conversation.
Other than that, not much is going on. I’m spending around 18 hours a day in bed now, getting out only when J gets home or I need to take my pills or use the washroom. I really, really, really need something to change so I can do things that make me happy and help me along with my recovery. Just writing this stuff takes a lot out of me right now. I need something to change.