Song: N/A
Mood: 5.5
Nightmares: 2
Today started out pretty well. I got up, had breakfast, and did my exercises. I spent some time listening to music and did some writing.
I haven’t been out of the house since my Dr W appointment last week, and I haven’t been out of the house by myself since just before Christmas. This afternoon was my first Dr P appointment since early December.
It was almost impossible to leave the house. I was stuck at the front door. It was very frustrating and embarrassing, standing there jiggling the doorknob again and again as cars drove by. I KNEW the door was locked and the house was okay, but all of the doubts and fears and irrational thoughts came back. I was surprised by how bad I felt. All I wanted to do was go back inside and call Dr P to tell him I wasn’t going to be able to make it.
Somehow, I managed to get to my appointment. I got there a little late, and I don’t remember much of what we did today. I wasn’t paying attention – all I could think about was worst-case scenarios about the house, truck, garage… everything. Again, I KNEW that things were okay but I couldn’t convince myself to stop worrying. I worried about really ridiculous things, like whether the bathroom fan was still on and if the bearings were going to seize and start a fire. Silly things.
I almost left early but I stayed until the end of the session, then got home as quickly as I could. The house was, of course, just fine. I did some grounding and mindfulness exercises and they helped a little bit, but I was quite upset by what happened. It took me a while to calm down.
I knew that I was slipping a bit but I was very surprised at what happened today. This is something I need to fix, and quickly.
Stay safe.