Song: N/A

Mood: 4.5

Nightmares: 0

I’m not feeling very well today. I couldn’t sleep again last night and I’ve got a headache from clenching my jaw all night and all day today.

I thought I’d try to accomplish something while J was at work. I spent a lot of effort staying away from the basement couch and told myself I was going to swap out the broken toilet in the upstairs bathroom.

I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why, but the thought of replacing the toilet (not a very difficult task) just seemed overwhelmingly impossible. I kept worrying about leaks and breaking something and doing something wrong.

Then I thought that I was thinking of it the wrong way. I thought I’d just go and do it one piece at a time, with the first thing being removing the old tank.

I couldn’t do that, either. I tried talking myself into it but my chest kept tightening up and my head would pound and all I could think was how difficult it was going to be and how it was really likely that I was going to screw it up.

After hours of this, I became very frustrated with myself and gave up. I headed down to the couch in the basement.

J got home from work and we talked for a bit, then she said she was going to swap out the toilet if I could give her a hand. I ground my teeth and felt my chest tighten but said I’d help her. Working together, it took us about 45 minutes but we got it done.

I am embarrassed that I didn’t/couldn’t do it myself while she was at work. J works hard during the day and then comes home and has to deal with my crap. Right now, she’s upstairs handing out candy to kids while I cower in the basement, cringing when I hear voices outside. I wish that when she got home I’d have supper ready and the laundry done and the house clean instead of just sitting there, hating myself for my inactivity.

I have an appointment with Dr W tomorrow. I know that there is no “quick fix” as far as psych medications go, but I really hope that he can help me.

Stay safe.

2 Thoughts on “Halloween

  1. Want me to help you turn that couch upside down? Or exile it to the garage? Or we could have a ritual burning of it? Think that would help? 😉

    • If I thought it would help, I’d be all over that idea. Plus, it’s what J and I sit on to watch TV, so it’s not just my “doing nothing” couch.

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