Good Day, Crappy Panic Attack

Song: “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band

Mood: 8 -> 3 -> 5

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable and kept waking up to shuffle around. Not a huge deal, more of an inconvenience.

Last night before bed, J put together supper in the crockpot and put it in the fridge to start cooking in the morning. A nice turkey and vegetable meal which would be ready at 5:30. It smelled great throughout the day.

FA arrived around 9:30AM and we had a good chat before we took a look at the stack of records she’d recently purchased at a garage sale. Most of them were 10″ shellac records that needed 78RPM but one was a 33RPM vinyl LP. Just for kicks, we gave it a try on the turntable and, after a round of cleaning, it played really well. Kind of cheesy music – FA said it best when she mentioned that some of the songs would make a good soundtrack for a cartoon. Interesting stuff, and no idea how old it was (other than “quite”).

After that, we started work on her Raspberry Pi. It took a while but I think we finally got it to do what she was hoping it would do. I had a lot of fun working on it with her, it reminded me of the times we hung out way back during our university days.

With the Pi done, we headed off to lunch at the local burrito place. I really like the food there, but today it was particularly good. Lots of good flavours. I probably should’ve remembered what I ordered so I can get it again…

After lunch, FA wanted to go to a specialty kitchen store. This place has everything from spatulas to really fancy knives to mummy-shaped cookie cutters. She was looking for a cheese knife, and after a brief consultation with one of the staff, we were led to the cheese knife section (I told you this place has everything). I was pretty dazzled by the selection (cheese knives!) and had no idea which one was better. The serrated one with the holes in it? The plastic one with the blade made out of wedges? The steel one that was curved backward like a scimitar? My contribution to the discussion was to suggest she get the one with the red handle. Hopefully I didn’t lead her astray.

Back at the house, we tried out some cheese that FA had brought along. There was an old Gouda and another one that had the taste of carmelized onions. Her new cheese knife had its first test and I think it passed. Both of the cheeses were really good, but that onion one… man, that was tasty. I’m going to have to go and pick up some of that myself sometime. Once we were done sampling the cheese, we sat down and had another good chat before she had to head home. I had fun and it was a blast hanging out with her again. She mentioned that she wants to tear down an old fence – I hope I can get out to her place and help her with it!

After FA left, I tidied up a bit and sat down. J got home at about 4:45 and we talked for a bit before getting supper together – which basically required two plates and a serving spoon. The turkey was perfect – you didn’t even need a knife to cut it – it just fell apart. The vegetables were perfect, too, and the starch from them basically turned the broth into gravy by itself.

Everything was going well. It was a great day. Then I mentioned to J that I wanted to go to the store to pick up a pair of pants.

You see, I’ve put on quite a bit of weight over the last year. I had to buy a new motorcycling jacket because of it, and all of my old jeans that I wore while welding no longer fit. I wanted to buy a cheap pair of jeans that I could wear out to the garage and not be upset if they got wrecked. My other plan was to buy a pair of good jeans and sacrifice one of my old “good” pairs of jeans that still kind of fit to the garage gods.

We got to the store with no problems and I went into the change room to try on a couple of pairs of jeans. The first pair was the same size as the jeans I last wore. Not a chance – I couldn’t even get the button done up.

I started to sweat. Not a big deal, I told myself. You’ve put on a little bit of weight, we’ll just try a size up. So I did. They didn’t fit either – not by a long shot.

For some reason – I still don’t know why – I started to panic. J helped me grab pants that were two sizes up from where I was, and those finally fit. Soaking in a full-on flop sweat by now and my world condensed down to only what was directly in front of me, waves of panic were washing over me. Thank God J was there – I passed the jeans to her and asked her if she could buy them while I went out to the car.

I think she knew I was in trouble because she didn’t ask any questions (bless you!) and I fled the store and sat in the car with the air conditioner blasting. After a few minutes, she joined me in the car and drove us home.

Once we got home I headed into the basement and sat in my comfy chair doing grounding and breathing exercises for about 15 minutes before the panic finally broke and left me alone. I made my way back upstairs and talked briefly with J to let her know I was okay. She gave me a hug and told me that if I needed anything to just ask her. I’m really lucky to be married to someone who understands that I don’t always have words for what’s going on with me and even if I do, sometimes I can’t get them out in the right order (or at all) to explain what’s happening.

So that’s been my day. Really good, then really crappy, then getting better. I think J and I may watch another western this evening. We’ll see what happens.

Stay safe!

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