Song: “Love Child” by Diana Ross & The Supremes
Nightmares: Usually several a night now
There’s been quite a bit going on lately, some great and some not so great. My arm is healed nicely, and the fingers on my right hand are working better and are less numb and tingly than they have been in years. I’m looking forward to getting my other arm done at some point.
I’ve been having a lot more trouble with nightmares, panic, and sleep lately. It’s to the point where I called Dr W outside of our appointment hours and asked if he could help me, so my prazosin dose has been increased back to 9mg in the evening and we’ll see what happens. My Dr C appointment this week was very difficult because of the nightmares and because of some of the other stuff that’s been going on lately.
One of the things that’s really got me bothered is the state of the volunteering that I had planned to do at the church down the street. There’s no schedule, no communication, and I got an email out of the blue from one of the folks there asking if I could send an email in some sort of official capacity. Since I haven’t done anything there, haven’t heard from them in months, and the time I spent there before Christmas was sporadic (at best), I declined. Despite being told by Dr C and Dr W last year that getting out and doing this stuff is something I need to do, I’m terrified that my insurance or disability will be cut off. I was doing okay with the phones but I’m back to not even wanting to look at them when they ring, afraid that it’s going to be work calling and demanding that I come back.
I know it’s not rational, and Dr C said she and Dr W would back me up, but I can’t get it out of my head and it’s really messing with me. I’ve been trying meditation, grounding, and all the other tricks in my toolbox, but nothing is tamping down the churning in my stomach and tightness in my chest very well. I am also upset at the fact that I am currently upset, and I’m really afraid that this will be a problem for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be 80 years old and worried about work from 2016 calling me back. It doesn’t make any sense and it shouldn’t be happening. It’s causing me a lot of anxiety and I’ve been having more panic attacks again along with the nightmares. It is really, really bothering me.
On the upside, though, I got together with J’s aunt yesterday. She picked me up and home and we went to her house, talked about everything, and had snacks. I put up a blind in her kitchen, said hi to her cat, and we just shot the breeze, talked about the world, exchanged gossip, that sort of thing. I am quite comfortable around her (I find her to be very unassuming and easy to talk with), and to my surprise, I was comfortable at her house, too. I brought the crib board but we didn’t play – just talked. It was very nice and I hope we can do that again sometime soon.
On Monday, I hope to hit the road and visit my parents. Dad’s having some trouble with his well pump, and J is working during the day, so FA has been kind enough to do the trip with me. If you’ve read this site before, you’ll know that FA is one of the very few people that I feel comfortable enough to do something like this with, and I think it’s going to be a fun time. The last road trip we took together was, uh, something like 25 years ago? We’re going to leave a little earlier in the day, so FA is going to drive on the way there while I finish rebooting (as she likes to say). Fingers crossed that I don’t fall asleep, half wake up, think she’s J, and say something really embarrassing. Although now that I think about it, FA would probably find it funny and just tease me relentlessly about it for the rest of my days. 🙂
I washed the truck today. Poor thing has needed it for a while now so got out the hose and bucket and soap and fluffy mitt and went at it. I missed a few spots and left greasy handprints on others but at least it doesn’t look like someone will catch tetanus if they touch it. We’ve had a lot of rain lately and the air was thick and swampy but not too hot. The sun, though… wow, that was warm. After I was done I rinsed out the washing bucket, filled it with cold water, got out my chair, and sat in the shade with my feet soaking in the cold water. It was pleasant and I will do it again.
With the nightmare, worry, and panic I’ve been experiencing lately, it’s been quite a bit more difficult than normal to motivate myself to do things I enjoy. It’s also more difficult to concentrate on the things I am doing. I’m more tired during the day and it feels like I’m not running on all cylinders. I asked Dr C during my appointment the other day if there was a way she could hypnotize me so that I’d have a different kind of nightmare instead of the usual three (actually, it’s pretty much down to two now, the boat one doesn’t happen very much anymore). I’d pay good money if I could be chased by skeletons or a giant monster for once. She gently reminded me that I’ve asked that question several times before, and said that it’s unfortunately not possible.
Tomorrow I’m going to head back outside and make sure the truck is ready for Monday. After I finished washing it I checked and topped up various fluids, but I still need to check the tires, the spare (which I suspect no longer holds air), and all of the lights and indicators. Monday will be a blast!