Couldn’t Go Into The Store

Trigger Warning: this post may contain content that can trigger a shift in mood, comfort, or mental status. Proceed at your own risk.

Song: “Paranoid” by The Dickies

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

I’m tired today. I don’t think I woke up more than a couple of times but I feel… I don’t know – weary? I don’t feel like I’m thinking fast enough to keep up with everything around me, and today has been pretty quiet.

I’m bothered, too, by the news this week. Two more celebrities – wealthy, famous, adored, but tortured – took their own lives, seemingly inexplicably. But beyond those two… how many other people? People who aren’t a household name or have a television show? The teacher, the plumber, the landscaper, the nurse, the lady at the paint counter, the bank teller, the trucker, the scientist, the farmer, the coder, the veterinarian? The mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother? The friend? The kid down the street?

It bothers me. I feel like I should be doing something but I have no idea what that something is.

Please – if you are contemplating suicide or otherwise hurting yourself or someone else, please contact your local crisis line or go to your nearest emergency room. You can find some contact numbers on the resources page.



I want to talk further about this material but I need to think about what I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it. It may take a couple of days.

Okay… trying to get my mind back to what happened and what I did today. Let’s see…

My mind kept wandering during my exercises and I had to keep getting off the couch to chase ghosts around the house. As a result, they didn’t go very well and I gave up after about 45 minutes. I will try again tomorrow – J will be home, so I expect things will go much better.

I went for my walk, intending to go into the grocery store and buy a jug of milk, but when I got there I couldn’t do it. I stood there, staring at the door like some kind of weirdo as shoppers walked by on their way into and out from the store. I don’t even know what was stopping me – I just couldn’t make myself walk the fifteen or so more steps to get through the door and into the store. I did a couple of laps around the parking lot and tried again but had the same result so I headed home, discouraged.

I will try again. I did it on Monday, I can do it again.

The neighbours a few houses down the street are installing a pool in their back yard. It’s pretty small (a one-piece fibreglass unit) but it’s definitely a pool. Good for them!

I spent about 45 minutes checking my text history before I was satisfied enough to send out a new round of texts today. I’m trying to get to the point where I no longer need to check my text history at all, but I think it may take a little while. It’s already less time than it used to be, though.

Spent about 35 minutes camped out on the basement floor in front of the hot water tank again, waiting for it to cycle so I could listen and watch while it ran. I don’t even know what I’m going to find. Is the tank just coincidentally going to rupture while I’m sitting there? That would be good, because I’d be right there to shut the water off. It would be bad too, though, because I don’t know if I’d remember to shut off the valve if I’d just been inundated with 40 gallons of scalding water.

That 35 minutes doesn’t include the other times I wandered over to look at the solder joints on the pipe, watch the indicator blink, feel below for water leaks, and rattle the emergency vent valve arm.

I also spent another 20 or so minutes watching, feeling, and listening to the air conditioner. Elm seeds have been blown inside the unit and I wanted to make sure they’re not jamming anything up.

I played some more Fortnite today and hooked up the headset with the microphone again. The first round didn’t go all that well, but during the second round, one of the people on my team also had a microphone and was both quite good at the game and was very helpful toward his teammates. I did what I could to help and we worked well together, even after the rest of our team were out. We talked a bit (he’s been playing the game for months now) and he seems to be an OK guy. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s 18-20. Once we’d finally been knocked out, he made a friend request and I accepted. So now, if we’re both on at the same time, the game will put us in a group together. That’s cool.

We have a little flagpole jutting off the deck railing. I finally took the tattered remains of the flag down this afternoon. The flag had begun tearing before Christmas, and since then has turned into something I’ve found to be a little embarrassing to have up. So that’s one problem solved.

J picked up some seeds today and we’re going to plant tomorrow morning. We’ve got carrot, dill, common chives, and garlic chives. The dirt in the garden is still nice and fluffy so I won’t need to stand there, hacking away at the ground with a hoe. We’re a little behind but I think we’ll still get some stuff out of the garden this year.

J and I watched some more Boston Legal this evening. I find it amusing that they take a hopeless case where the law, the money, and the public opinion are against them, and yet… a fancy, rambling speech by Alan Shore convinces the jury to back his client. Plus, I’m still impressed with Shatner’s work in this show.

Well, once more I have more to say but I need to get to bed. I wish you all well, and please remember that there are people out there who care for you very much.

The other side of that equation applies, too. If you care for someone, tell them. Give them a call or send a text or email (or whatever FaceInstaSnapTweetSpace product you use). Ask them out for coffee, hang out with them, play videogames with them, whatever. Just appreciate them. They will appreciate you back, and that’s a good feeling.

Again – if you are contemplating suicide or otherwise hurting yourself or someone else, please contact your local crisis line or go to your nearest emergency room. You can find some contact numbers on the resources page.

Stay safe.

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