Could Be Better… Could Be Worse

I’m still having trouble getting out of this rut. Nothing appeals to me and all I’ve wanted to do all day is go back to bed and stare at the ceiling. It’s taken a huge amount of effort but I’ve managed to keep at least a little bit active. I was supposed to get together with WG for lunch today but I called him this morning and told him I wasn’t feeling well. Fortunately, he understood.

I did my exercises this morning (which is hard to motivate myself to do on good days sometimes) and played some more Mass Effect. I also spent some time in the garage, where I had a minor panic attack about the bike before I drained the oil out of it. The oil looked brand new and there was no sign of coolant in it at all. That was a relief – I was really worried that it was going to cost a lot to replace the water pump gaskets but now that’s something else I don’t need to worry about.

While I was outside, it struck me that the weather was perfect for this time of year. About 15C, just the slightest of breezes, and a clear blue sky. When I finished working on the bike I went and sat on the deck stairs for a little while to listen to the birds and try to clear my head. It didn’t improve my mood, but it did feel good to get some fresh spring air.

I had my Dr W appointment today. It went well but I always feel bad when I tell him I’m feeling down. The rational side of my brain knows that it’s normal and Dr W understands that, but the irrational side insists that he’s disappointed in my progress and is just waiting to fire me as his patient. I’ve asked Dr W and Dr C about that a couple of times now and they both say that I would have to do something pretty extreme to get them to refer me somewhere else. I’m really very lucky that I have such a good professional support team.

Speaking of teams, I may have found a support group meeting that I can actually get to on my own. Dr C has suggested for a while now that I spend some time in a group setting where I can talk to people who have been through the same things I’m experiencing. Unfortunately, all of the groups that I’ve found up until now have been downtown and very difficult (if not impossible) for me to get to. I have my Dr C appointment tomorrow afternoon and I’m going to ask her if she thinks this particular group is a good match for what I need.

I listened to a couple of records this evening to see if they’d break me out of this funk. J came downstairs and was good company but even two James Last albums didn’t do the trick. I think I’m sitting around a four. Maybe a four and a half.

Maybe tomorrow will be a five.

Stay safe!

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