Still Tired

Today was a pretty good day. I slept well but I’m still pooped. My mom called this morning and we had a good chat, it was quite nice to talk to her. I got some good news about a couple of my relatives and that’s always good to hear.

Since I was still groggy, J took some time out of her busy day (thank you again!) to drive me to my appointment with Dr C. The appointment was difficult in places but went pretty well. It was the first time I’d seen her since my most recent trip to the hospital. We did have a phone meeting while I was in the hospital, but there was a lot of stuff that had changed, particularly with respect to medication. I think next week we’re going to start in on the EMDR. I’m looking forward to it but a little wary at the same time. Dr C also gave me some good information on coping with voices. I hope I don’t experience them again but if I do, I’ll have another tool in my toolbox for dealing with them.

I didn’t get a lot done today. It’s been grey and rainy outside for the last few days so I haven’t been able to get outside and mow the dandelions. I played some Mass Effect and cooked supper and almost had it timed perfectly for when J got home.

After supper, J and I had three or four really good conversations in a row about all kinds of stuff. I think it’s great that we’ve been married for over fifteen years and still have new things to talk about.

Tomorrow I have my Dr H appointment. I don’t expect any problems.

Sorry this post is short too but my tank is empty and I need to head to bed.

Stay safe!


I don’t know why, but since Saturday morning I haven’t been able to build up enough steam to do anything. All I want to do is go back to bed. Naps don’t seem to help. Tomorrow is the start of a pretty busy week for me – I may be getting together with WG in the morning, then I have a Dr C appointment at 1PM, Tuesday is my Dr H appointment, Wednesday is my Dr W appointment, then nothing on Thursday, then getting together with FA on Friday. I need to be alert.

I don’t know what’s wrong – whether I’m not sleeping properly or I’m over-medicated or maybe it’s a side-effect of the migration from sertraline to venlafaxine. Maybe I’m catching a cold. Maybe the depression is creeping up on me again. Whatever it is, I hope I figure it out soon.

All in all, this weekend has been pretty good. Not a lot happened because I spent so much time napping, but with all things considered, I think that’s a good thing.

Here’s hoping you all have a good week!

Stay safe!

And It Just Got Better!

One of the local radio stations is running a hospital fundraiser. The station typically plays 80s to early 00s music but for this weekend they’re taking requests from people who want to make donations. They’re also saying they’ll play pretty much anything other than Swedish death metal. Fair enough.

It was for a good cause, and with J’s encouragement I called in and requested “Get Over You” by The Undertones. I was half expecting the host to say, “the what?” but instead he said, “WHAT A GREAT SUGGESTION!”

About twenty minutes later, there it was, playing on the radio. The host even mentioned me by name, whoo!

Totally awesome. If even one person listening out there becomes a fan of The Undertones then my work here is done.

Stay safe!

Running On All Cylinders

Today has been a good day. After J left for work this morning I ran the dishwasher, then went downstairs and listened to a couple of records, did my exercises, and worked on my “worry hour”. The medication I’m taking still leaves me a little groggy until about 10AM so I wasn’t moving very fast, but I was moving.

I got a text from my mom and decided to give my folks a call and we had a really good (from my viewpoint, at least) conversation. I am very lucky to have parents who are as supportive and helpful as mine are. They’ve saved my bacon many times.

After that I did some research for a post I’m working on and ran a load through the washing machine at the same time. The sky looked like it wanted to rain all day but held off so I opened a bunch of windows and enjoyed the fresh breeze and the sounds of birds as they went about their business. I went outside to put the rear panels and seat back on the motorcycle but – since it’s been a year and a half – I couldn’t remember where I’d put them.

I really wanted to accomplish something outside, so I pulled out the mower and mowed the back yard. I’ve never seen so many dandelions out there and I’ve never seen them so healthy, with huge green leaves and fat yellow flowers atop four to six inch stems. Sometimes I wonder why we don’t just give up and say that dandelions or clover or whatever is growing in the dirt around a house works fine as a “lawn”.

When I finished mowing I looked around for the motorcycle panels again and, with no luck, decided to go back inside and play around with one of my Raspberry Pis. I ordered a camera for one of them a little while ago and it was badly out of focus. I spent some time today changing the focus with a pair of needle-nose pliers and finally got it to where I was happy with it. I then erased one of the oldest Pis I have and set it up again from scratch (the old kernel was from 2014). Some things are a little different in the newer versions of the operating system so I spent some time looking things up to make sure I was doing it right.

I was expecting J to be home around 5PM but she came home earlier than I expected and caught me while I was cooking supper. She’d had a good day too and was happy that it was the weekend. We talked for a little bit and then I finished cooking supper and she fired off a job application. We had a good chat over supper and went over what we’re going to do this evening. The only thing we got figured out is that we’re going to play a game of cribbage at some point.

Today has been a good day.

Stay safe!

Out Of The Hospital!

Today has been a good day. J took me back to the hospital and I signed back into the ward and met with Dr W. Our meeting went very well and as a result, I’ve been discharged. It feels good to be able to type that. Now I just have to stand on my own two legs and keep getting better. I have a Dr C appointment on Monday and I am looking forward to getting things back to whatever passes for normal around here.

When I was leaving the ward, I thanked as many of the staff as I could, but I always feel kind of silly just saying “Thank you very much”. I wish I could think of a better way of conveying just how grateful I am for everything that everyone did for me. After my first session in the psych ward, I sent a card thanking the staff for everything but I was stuck using the same words. I don’t even have the right words for J, even though we’ve been married for quite a few years. She shifted her hours around or took time off to get me to all of my appointments and to make sure I was doing alright. How do you thank someone for that? Anything I can think of just seems so… glib.

So, to everyone who treated me, supported me, or just wanted me to get well – THANK YOU. I’m sorry I don’t have better words, but I’m alive and in one piece because of all of you. Thank you so very, very much!

Stay safe!

What’s Going To Happen?

In just a little while, J and I are heading back to the hospital after what I think has been a successful two day pass. My only concern is that I’m feeling a little sad, but just a little. On the upside, I didn’t even need any rescue medications and didn’t need to do any grounding or breathing exercises. Other than my back bugging me, I slept pretty well, and it was nice to have something to eat that actually had salt in it.

So J will drop me off at the ward and then I’ll wait to see Dr W. If he gives the OK then I’ll be out this afternoon. If he doesn’t, it’ll be for a good reason.

I’m quite excited. I have a huge list of things that I want to do and an even huger list of things that I need to do. The dandelions have finished their colonization of the back lawn and are just swapping up the last pockets of resistance in the front. I also really want to do some welding, I’ve got a new welding jacket that I’m really looking forward to trying out. I also want to plant a garden and try to take my motorcycle for a ride. So many things – I should really write them down so I don’t forget.

Stay safe!

In The Hospital, Days 9 and 10

I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday, there was a lot of stuff going on. Most notably, I’m at home on a two-day pass! Yes, it’s true – I got to sleep in my own bed, eat supper and hang out with J, watch some TV, do some laundry, mow the lawn, and listen to some records!

The pass has been great so far. Two days ago, I suggested to Dr W that I was feeling well enough to get out of the hospital but he recommended trying a pass first. The last time I was in the hospital, he suggested the same thing and he was right – I wasn’t ready to be at home by myself. This time feels different, though. I think I might be okay.

It was so nice to just be able to hang out and chat with J. We had pizza for supper and spent a lot of time catching up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m a very lucky guy. J is a fantastic person and a wonderful wife. I don’t know anyone who got more visits from family than I did during all of my hospital stays. She just shrugs it off, saying that it’s something she wants to do, but it really makes a huge difference in how I feel and how my recovery is going.

I didn’t sleep really well last night but it’s just because when I closed my eyes I would see my hospital room and when I opened them it would take a second to remember where I was. That will go away soon enough. When I slept, I think I slept pretty hard. My back was sore when I woke up – that’s usually a sign that I slept in one position for too long.

So far today I’ve listened to some more records, done some exercises, and given a lot of thought about who I want to be and what I want (and need) to do. I’m still finding it really difficult to come up with answers about that sort of stuff. It’s frustrating – I want to be able to help people, but at the same time I’m afraid that I will screw up and end up hurting someone. I can’t do IM/IT stuff anymore but I have no training in anything else. Many of the trades interest me, but I don’t know many companies that would hire a 40+ year old apprentice when there are tons of people half my age who are looking for the same jobs. I want to work, but I’m still not at a point where I can volunteer somewhere once a week, nevermind working full time. It’s a bit of a conundrum.

I’m really hoping that things will continue to go well on this pass and I’ll be discharged from the hospital on Thursday. Fingers crossed!

Stay safe!

In The Hospital, Day 8

Today has been a good day. I slept well again last night and enjoyed a couple of good naps today. Even the food was really quite good today – hot turkey sandwiches for lunch and BBQ ribs for supper. Good stuff.

The big news today is that during my Dr W appointment, the subject of me being discharged came up. I feel I’m ready and Dr W thinks so too. All I need to do is try going home for a two-day pass and seeing how that goes. So, if everything goes well, I’ll be home from tomorrow morning until Thursday afternoon on a pass, and then once I get back to the hospital and talk to Dr W, I’ll be discharged!

It will be nice to be home. I have no idea what I’m going to do first, but it will be at home!

J came by for a visit this evening and we had a great time. After a small snack, we moved out into the comfy chairs near the front of the hospital and just sat there and held hands. It’s so nice to be so comfortable with a person. We talked quite a bit, but even the times when we were quiet were wonderful. I really am a very lucky fellow.

I can’t wait until tomorrow morning. I think I’m going to go to bed early to make tomorrow come faster!

Stay safe!

In The Hospital, Day 7

Before bed last night I had a little breakdown where I was hit with a huge wave of sadness. I don’t know where it came from, but it was brutal. I had a good cry, then went and talked to my nurse for a while. The simplest thing for me to do was get to sleep and wake up to a new day.

I slept pretty well and woke up feeling much better than I had the previous evening. I was also excited – J was coming to visit today! It felt like forever since I saw her last and I really miss her.

I did some laundry today, the first batch since I’ve been here and my clothes came out with soap residue and other peoples’ hair on them. Just like I remember.

I went to the gym today and walked around the track for a while. It didn’t take long to find out that I’m in way worse shape than I thought.

J arrived this evening for a visit and I tell you, was it ever good to see her! She brought along some of the things that my folks picked up while they were in Mexico and we talked for almost two hours. J picked up milkshakes on her way into town and got me a strawberry one. It was really good. I now understand why my mother-in-law stops at that place when she comes into the city.

I had such a good time hanging out with J. I can’t wait until I’m discharged so I can go home and the two of us can watch a movie or hold hands or whatever. I miss her an awful lot while I’m in here. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her and all of the unconditional support she gives me. She is a very special person. Everyone should have a very special person in their lives!

Stay safe!

In The Hospital, Day 6

As far as weekends on the ward go, this one has started out not too badly. Even though I slept well last night, I’ve been feeling pretty groggy all day today – I took what I thought was going to be a short nap but ended up sleeping right through lunch. Fortunately, they saved my tray so I still got to eat. After lunch, I took another two hour nap. I’m not sure why I’m so tired but I wonder if it has to do with the new dosages for the sertraline and venlaflaxine.

It’s the weekend so there are no groups so other than napping I really didn’t do or accomplish much today. I was thinking of doing some laundry but the washing machine has been running full tilt all day.

In addition to being tired, I’m feeling a little “off”. A little nervous but I can’t figure out exactly why. I tried clearing my head and doing mindfulness exercises but they didn’t help much so I’m going to assume it’s related to the medication changes. I don’t feel terrible, just a little anxious.

There are so many things that I want to do when I get out of the hospital this time. I’ve felt this way before but my motivation has dissipated pretty quickly; I really hope this time is different. I’ve got a motorcycle that’s 99% ready to ride, steel that’s ready to be welded, stuff to write, music to listen to, and things to look at under the microscope. I just need to keep focused.

Another thing I need to do something about is my weight and fitness. I have put on approximately 50 lbs since this time last year and I really need to lose them. I know some of it is likely because of the medication but some of it is certainly due to me eating too much of everything. Making things a little more interesting is that I still have no appetite and need to eat by the clock. On the other hand, I have no off switch – once food is put in front of me I will eat until everything’s gone. My hips and back are noticing the extra weight so I really need to get things under control. I’ll be sure to post what works for me and what doesn’t.

Stay safe!