Category Archives: Today

Song: N/A

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Few

Today was another good day. It started out a little stressful because J’s aunt was coming over to visit and I always get anxious before anyone visits, but even though it’s a little unpleasant I know to expect it now (the nerves, not J’s aunt).

She arrived a little after 2PM and the three of us hung out, talked, and had snacks until around 5PM. I had a very good time and enjoyed the conversation. We talked about all kinds of stuff: family, politics, museums, news… all kinds of stuff.

After she left J and I had supper and then we listened to music while she read and I went through my project bins to sort things and throw out junk. Got it down to two bins from three and a little one, so that’s progress!

My Dr C appointment on Wednesday went pretty well. We are still working on fixing up my sleep schedule and (hopefully) getting me ready in the event that Dr W and I do more nighttime medication reductions, but we also talked quite a bit about current events and how much they’re bothering me. Things are good in that regard now, but I have to pay attention to how I’m thinking about things so I don’t start to obsess over it. Dr C says I am pretty good at knowing when things are going wrong, so hopefully I’ll stay on top of things.

My back is pretty much always sore, so a couple of years ago, J finally convinced me to make an appointment with the massage therapist she sees. I’m not a particular fan of people (particularly strangers) touching me, but I was surprised to find that the therapist was very understanding of that and that it ended up helping. I found I was reasonably comfortable with her and decided to go back. My luck being what it is, though, she ended up leaving for a different physio shop in a different part of the city. Recently, though, my back has been really bugging me again, so after a bit of conversation, J convinced me to give her new RMT a try.

So, after my Dr C appointment, I headed over to the physio place. The new massage therapist is much different than the previous one and she does things differently but it worked out pretty well. She talks a lot more (and about all kinds of stuff) and I found it a little distracting to begin with but now that I’ve thought about it some more, I wonder if it’s her way of getting people to relax. At any rate, I think it helped so I’m going to go back and give it another try soon.

I’m going backwards through the week, but my Dr H appointment this week went pretty well, too. None of the specialists I’ve seen have found anything that could cause the unsettling feeling in my chest; the pulmonologist suggested it’s a “functional” issue, which means that there’s nothing physically wrong but for some reason I (or my brain) am interpreting some signals incorrectly. I don’t feel like that’s what’s happening, but hey – if it turns out it’s a software problem instead of something actually wrong with my lungs or heart or whatever, I’m fine with that and will accept it. If, however, the doctors missed something and I suddenly drop dead in the middle of the grocery store one day, they are going to feel soooooo silly…

Dr H was talking about my test results as she was reading through them and mentioned how they were coming back as better or “significantly” better than average. I waved at my flab and said, “Yes, I’m a prime physical specimen.” She found that quite amusing and laughed while the printer spat out a requisition form with enough boxes checked that the lab took seven vials of blood from me when I went for blood tests an hour later. My personal record is 13 (11 of the little ones and two of the big ones), although I’m not sure that’s something to brag about. Anyway…

I also heard from the church people today so I may be going over there sometime next week to volunteer for an hour or so. It’s been a while since I was there last and it will be good to talk to the folks there again.

Nothing too fancy going on this weekend, although I am running an event in STO on Sunday afternoon. I’ve never done that before so it’ll be an interesting experience. Monday I have an appointment to get an ultrasound of my liver – along with the bloodwork, Dr H is putting me through all kinds of tests to figure out why some of my liver numbers are slightly elevated. I do really appreciate her taking that stuff seriously and being proactive about it. I’m very lucky to have a lot of competent and caring professionals on my side.

Stay safe.

Song: “Winchester Cathedral” by The New Vaudeville Band

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Few

Things are going pretty well. J has this week off and it is so nice to be able to talk to her and hang out during the day! We don’t even have to be talking or working on the same thing – just being in the same room as her or knowing she’s in the house makes me happy.

I’ve been working on a thermometer for J’s aunt. I got the electronics working properly and I designed and printed up a little box for it. Just need to stuff everything in there and it’ll be good to go. I hope to give it to her on Friday – she’s coming over to visit that afternoon.

FA came by on Saturday and we did some troubleshooting on some electronics. J was home, too, so the three of us also hung out and had burritos for lunch.

No volunteering at the church lately. Might happen later this week but I’m not sure.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr H at… 8AM. Blugh. I’m mainly going to get some paperwork filled out for the elbow surgery I’m getting in a couple of months, but I’m hoping to ask her a couple of questions about other things, too.

Thursday I have a Dr C appointment, and Friday is when J’s aunt is coming over. Busy week!

Stay safe.

Song: “Red River Rock” by the Silicon Teens

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Several

Things have been going pretty well lately. I’ve been keeping myself very busy, which has been paying off both in how I’m feeling and in how productive I’ve been, which itself helps my mood. I’m making a lot of progress on quite a few projects, and have even checked some off my list!

Still have quite a few to do, though, and I’m adding more to the list pretty steadily. That’s actually a good thing, though, because an idle Mark is not a happy Mark. Plus, a lot of the things I’ve been doing are for other people, which makes me quite happy. The project I’m working on right now is a thermometer for J’s aunt. This is my third time taking a run at it, and now I’ve done it three different ways but I think I’m happy with the way it turned out this time.

My sister got those coin things I made today and she said they were exactly what she wanted so that worked out well, too. From a design, preparation, and printing time perspective, that was by far the biggest project I’ve ever done with the 3D printer. I’m really happy with that machine – 14 months now and it’s still working really well. I’ve replaced a few parts, but they were all (mostly) on my schedule so it hasn’t been dead while I’ve been waiting for parts or time to figure out what’s broken.

When I was young, my family used to pack into the car and drive for a couple of hours to visit my great-grandmother at her farm, and then later at the home she moved into. On our way home in the evening, we’d always stop at another house and visit with a couple. I remember she always had a box of rosebud candy for my sister and me, and they were always very friendly. I’m still not 100% sure how my parents came to know them, but they were good friends of the family, the woman in particular (he ran off with their neighbour at some point and died about a dozen years ago). Anyway, Mom has been in touch with her and she’s not doing so well. I wanted to make contact with her and say hello so I tried to write her a letter but six pages of nothing in I was getting bogged down and frustrated.

So I gave her a call. It was kind of surreal – I think the last time I spoke with her was over 25 years ago and a lot has happened to both of us, but we talked for a good half-hour about all kinds of stuff. She was very happy to hear from me and I was very happy to talk to her again. She asked at least three times when we were coming out to visit. Turns out she’s living in the same place that my great-grandmother lived in. I hope that my parents and J and I can get together and make the trip out there soon; if that doesn’t work out, perhaps J and I can get out to visit. Lots of memories out in that area, the last time I made it out that was was… I think 2009 when I took a day trip on my motorcycle to find and visit my great-grandmother’s grave. I’m going to make a point of calling her regularly to say hi.

We had some really nice days here lately. Just the other day it got up above freezing. I went out to check the mail and I could feel the sun on my skin – I know in six months that’s going to be the last thing I want, but right now it felt good and it’s a sure sign that spring is getting close!

This Friday J and I are going to do the second part of that OCD study. Hopefully it won’t be another long haul like the last one was, but just in case we’re going to bring along something to drink and a snack of some kind.

On Saturday, FA and I are going to have another geekfest and work on some stuff. I’m looking forward to it – we’ve put a lot of thought and time into the current project and it’s rewarding to see each bit of progress we make.

I may be volunteering at the church sometime later this week, too, but I’m not sure how or if it will work out yet.

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 1

Ghosts: Pack

And another six days have gone by. I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually a robot and J is turning me off and putting me in a corner somewhere for a couple of days each week. Let’s see…

I’m still keeping busy with projects and stuff around the house. I’m almost done those coin holders for my sister – just waiting on some springs to arrive, of all things. I made a lot of progress on something DA wants, and I’ve done some work on the things FA and I have been working on.

This past Friday I went to do the first part of that OCD study. I’m still glad I did it, but it wore me right out. J’s aunt drove me there (bless her) and we had a good chat along the way like we usually do. The building the study is being done in is not what you’d call “modern” – everything is grey and worn and it’s like a maze with tons of tiny little offices. I was expecting to be there for an hour or 90 minutes. That changed to two hours, then two and a half… I finally stumbled out of the building a little more than four hours after the session started. The person running the study also ran the session, and he was very pleasant and friendly and reiterated that I could take breaks or leave whenever I wanted.

The plan was for me to finish earlier in the day and go for lunch with FA and DM and then hang out at their place and talk and/or work on projects and/or geek out. Even though it was over two hours later than I’d expected, they still picked me up and we went to the burrito store in their part of town, then back to their place to have lunch. Despite me being in kind of rough shape and certainly not at my best, I had a good time hanging out with them and was happy to have finally made it to their place for the first time in… two years? Something like that. They are very good friends and I really appreciate that they still picked me up, still wanted to hang out, and weren’t irritated or put-off when it’d take me ten seconds to respond to a question. Thanks, you two!

After I got home on Friday, I didn’t do all that much. J and I hung out and talked a bit, and I stayed up for a while after she went to bed. I thought a lot about the day and was happy (and a bit embarrassed) about how the afternoon had gone, but I was still glad to have gone to the study. When I finally went to bed, I put my head down and that was it – I was out. I don’t remember waking up even once either Friday or Saturday night. No nightmares, no worrying about things… my poor tiny brain was worn right out.

My Dr C appointment today was good but tiring. I drove again and things went pretty well. It was my first appointment since J and I visited both of our parents and she wanted to know all about it: how things went, what was going on in my head, what I did for coping, etc. She was very happy to hear that it went well and said that it’s normal that I was so tired afterwards. We also talked about the study (apparently a four hour session isn’t that out of the ordinary), and then spent the rest of the time working on sleep stuff again. I’ve got more homework to do, and hopefully after the next session we will start making changes to my sleep schedule. The intent is for me to get more sleep (I seem to be getting anywhere from 5.5 to 6.75 hours over a usual night) and to adjust my sleep schedule so I’m getting to bed and waking up earlier.

After my appointment, I went and picked up a package from the local post office, and got gas for the truck for the first time in almost 11 months. I’d like to say it’s because the truck gets great gas mileage, but no – it’s because the poor thing has sat in the garage all sad and lonely. I like the truck.

I don’t know what’s going on for the rest of the week. Now that one of my bigger projects has reached a milestone, I’m tidying up a bunch of the stuff that’s spread out all over the dining room table. This is good, because it was even starting to get to me – I’m kind of surprised that J didn’t just elbow it all into a garbage bag and throw it out. Once the table’s cleaned up, though, there’ll be lots of space for another project!

Oh, and my computer just dinged at me – some of those springs I’m waiting for just shipped and should be here tomorrow. So that’s another project that’ll be done soon!

Stay safe.

Song: “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Pack

I just looked at the date and I can’t believe that it’s been two weeks since my last blog post!

The last two weeks… well, I’m not sure where to start. So, uh, I’m going to cheat and go with bullet points:

• Time has flown by!
• I’ve been keeping very busy during the days. Working on lots of projects, all of which have been interesting and enjoyable. Electronics, printing, writing, thinking and figuring… all kinds of stuff!
• Found out that a family friend isn’t doing very well. We used to visit her when I was a little kid, she was always very friendly and would give us rosebud chocolates every time we visited. I’ve started writing her a letter to tell her about all the stuff that’s gone on with me since I last saw her (which was probably around 30 years ago).
• FA and I have been getting together to work on stuff and geek out pretty regularly, and it’s been great – we’ve been to the hardware store a couple of times recently and have eaten lunch at the burrito shop twice now!
• I’m still volunteering once in a while at the church down the street. Not sure how much longer it’s going to go on for, but it feels good to get out and talk to people during the day.
• Dr C heard about an OCD study and mentioned it to me (with no obligation or strings). I thought it might be another way I could help someone down the road so I signed up, and, after a phone call I was screened in. I have to go to a psych lab at the university to do it and my first meeting is tomorrow morning. After I’m done at the lab, FA is going to pick me up and we are going to get burritos and geek out in her side of town for the first time in quite a while. It’s going to be an interesting day!
• Had a Dr W appointment yesterday, probably the longest one I’ve ever had. He was very happy to hear about the trip to see my parents and wanted to know all about it and what was going through my head over the whole thing. He’s also very interested in the OCD study.
• Forgot to take my morning medication once last weekend. Didn’t notice much at first but as the day went on I wasn’t feeling quite right – very irritable and couldn’t concentrate. Found out in the late afternoon and started to feel better again after taking them.
• Did I mention that time has flown by?

I know there are dozens of things I haven’t written down here but I’m having trouble concentrating on anything aside from the study tomorrow morning. In some ways I’m looking forward to it; in others, not so much. But that’s okay. The day will be good!

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

I’m beat. Wiped right out. But that’s okay, because J and I did it – we got out to see my parents, had lunch and talked just like we’d planned, and then stopped in for a few minutes to see her parents, too!

This morning was pretty rough. Getting up at 7AM is no longer one of my strengths (if it ever was), and while I don’t remember everything I do remember being confused and pretty anxious at times. We left the house and stopped at the store and split up – I went to pick up the flowers I’d ordered yesterday afternoon while J went to pick up stuff for lunch and snacks. We got back into the car and hit the road.

I kind of faded in and out for the first hour or so, and probably wasn’t the greatest travel companion. Oh, I should mention that J was driving, so me fading in and out wasn’t particularly dangerous, but I feel bad for not chatting more.

The roads were good and as we left the city, traffic thinned out. After a while the skies got a little darker and there was some fog/mist/drizzle but it wasn’t collecting on the car or the roads. There was a pretty coat of hoarfrost on the trees for a good part of the way:

We got to my parents’ place and rang the doorbell. Dad opened the door, said “hi!” like he was greeting a package delivery (they were expecting a package), and then stopped and stared at us for at least five seconds when he saw that it was us. He got all excited and ushered us inside and I think I got the biggest hug from him that I can remember. It was wonderful to see the smile on his face and J and I took off our shoes and went to sit down in the living room – a living room that had blinds, furniture, and paint I’d never seen before.

Dad mentioned that Mom was going to be home soon, so J got all sneaky-like and moved the car a couple of houses down, then the three of us talked until Mom got back. I gave Dr C a call and told her we’d made it and thanked her profusely for her help (she was also very happy to hear we’d made it). A few minutes later we saw Mom turn into the driveway and waited while she unlocked the door and walked in… and also froze when she saw us. She was very happy and there were more hugs exchanged and when we brought out the flowers she said she thought she might cry.

The four of us had a really good talk, then Dad and I went out to the garage to look at his new and old snowblowers, and J and Mom put together the lunch stuff. We sat down for lunch and talked more, and it was SO NICE to see my parents happy like that. They’d sounded down all week and to see them cheerful and happy and excited was fantastic.

J and I had put together a bag of things like I described yesterday just in case there were problems, and I’d planned to head out to the car for a few minutes to calm down if things got to the point where they felt like they were spinning away on me. I had worries and anxious feelings running through my head the whole time we were there, but for the most part I was able to push them to the background and concentrate on the conversation and what was going on around me. I did use the little leather bean bag that FA made for me, and between that, focusing on my breathing and the “5-4-3-2-1” technique a number of times, and my hat soaking up the flop sweat, I didn’t have to go outside or awkwardly excuse myself once.

Even just writing that out feels really good!

Concentrating and working to keep the worries and the compulsions at bay is a lot of work, though, and even though we’d only been there for about three hours, I was getting tired near the end of our visit. J and I had set a particular schedule, though, so we didn’t have to worry about five more minutes here or there – everything was fixed.

We got ready to head out and there was another round of hugs and well-wishes. I can’t describe how good it felt to see my parents smiling like they were, but unfortunately another part of me was also keen on getting going.

We then went to J’s parents’ place and stopped in for a short visit, which was also really great. I didn’t know where to sit because they ALSO had new furniture and stuff that I don’t think I’d ever seen before. We had a good chat and talked about quite a few different things in the 15 minutes or so that we were there. It’s funny – I hadn’t seen my father-in-law for a long time and now I’ve seen him twice in two weeks. No complaints, by the way!

It felt good to be there, too – the last time I was there was even longer ago than the last time I’d been at my parents’ place. I am very fortunate to have in-laws as supportive and encouraging as they are – they’re nothing like the ones you see on TV or in the movies!

As J and I got ready to hit the road for home, I felt a little guilty that I wasn’t at my best while we were there. I was pretty tired by that point so I may not have been as talkative as I would’ve liked. If you read this, sorry about that – I really enjoyed seeing you guys!

Originally, J and I had planned that she would drive out and I would drive some or most of the way back. Unfortunately, I was pooped at that point. J, however, surprised me by announcing that she was feeling fine and perky and didn’t mind doing the drive. I offered a few times on the way home that if she was tired we could stop or I could drive; she was fine all the way home. She and I have very different driving backgrounds – she’s more accustomed to driving in the city, and I grew up in the country so I’m most comfortable on the highway. Once again, though, she did another amazing thing and drove the whole way today. NICE JOB, SWEETIE!!!

As we got closer and closer to home, I could feel the need to be home ratcheting up in my chest. By the time we pulled into the driveway it was probably good the neighbours weren’t outside because I may have hugged them. We got inside, shut the door, and I leaned against it with my eyes closed for a couple of seconds, feeling the relief that home was still there, still looked the same, still smelled the same, and still felt the same.

We decided to watch a show while we were having supper, so J went downstairs and told me not to hurry. I sat on the couch in the living room for a few minutes and had a bit of a cry – there were a million emotions running through my head at the same time. I was so happy that we’d been able to make the trip, so happy that my folks and in-laws are doing alright, and so happy that things had gone so well. At the same time, I felt the guilt about not being able to do that trip for the last couple of years and the amount of effort and planning that had to go into it (we used to be able to just toss a couple things in a bag and go). I also hate the uncertainty that goes with being sick and the knowledge that even though today worked out, it may not work tomorrow, next week, or next month. But it might. I won’t know until the next time.

I straightened myself up, got changed (back into shorts, yeah), and went downstairs and watched two episodes of Disenchantment and had supper and talked with J. Now we’re well into the evening and I’m not sure what’s going to happen next.

J has tomorrow off and I might be going to do some volunteering at the church. But I may not. What I am sure about, though, is that I’ll be thinking about today for quite some time. Man, what a day!

Thank you so much to everyone who’s stuck by me and supported me so much: J, family, friends, those in the psych careers and community… so many people! Today would never have happened without all of your patience, advice, and strength you’ve given to me. “Thanks” seems so inadequate but I don’t know how else to say it. So, THANK YOU!

Stay safe.

I had my Dr C appointment a little while ago and we talked extensively about heading out of town to see my folks. Bottom line is she thinks it’s a big jump but a good idea as long as I don’t put too much pressure on myself, I make sure that I take care of myself while we’re out there, and if it ends up not working out that I don’t consider it a failure.

So… J has taken tomorrow off work (thank you!!!) and we’re going to hit the road in the morning while I’m still groggy (don’t worry, J will be driving in the morning). I will be taking along a little bag of things just in case, including some things to keep my hands busy, a pair of headphones so I can blast loud music, maybe a magazine or something like that, and PRNs just in case. As I have said many times – J makes everything better and easier, too, so she will also be a huge help just by being there.

We’ll show up, visit, and be back on the road so we’re home before it gets dark. I’ve found that it’s a lot easier for me to drive toward home than away from it, so I will probably drive for at least part of the way back.

If everything goes well, we should be getting home around this time tomorrow. If it doesn’t, it will be okay. Either way, I expect I will be farther from home tomorrow than I have been in the last couple of years!

Wish us luck!

Stay safe.

Song: N/A

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Few

Today was… odd. On one hand, FA came over and it was a great time as usual. We geeked out, worked on things, talked about all kinds of stuff, went for a quick trip to the hardware store, and even had lunch at the burrito shop. It was fun.

On the other hand, my uncle with ALS passed away this morning. He’d gone into the hospital with breathing problems in the middle of the night on Saturday, but I don’t really know what happened after that point. I called my folks around noon to see how he (and they) were doing and that was when Mom said he was gone.

I didn’t know him well – he’s thousands of kilometers away – but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care about him. I still feel bad for him, my parents (he was Mom’s brother but he and Dad were close), and my aunts and uncles. ALS is a terrible, awful disease, but even as it progressed and he lost the use of more and more of his body, he stayed in good spirits. I think everyone expected him to be around for longer than he was; the breathing problems started suddenly and he was gone the next day. That, I think, was a shock to everyone.

For years now, I’ve had invitations from family all over the place to visit and see the sights, but even before I got sick I didn’t visit for one reason or another. I didn’t mind, though, because I always assumed that there was still plenty of time. But here’s the thing – I’m in my mid-forties. My folks are in their late-sixties, and their brothers and sisters are anywhere from five years younger to a dozen years older. Time marches on, regardless of how hard or often we deny it, or try to ignore it. I wish I’d known my uncle better, and I regret not making the effort to do that.

My parents haven’t really slept in two days and they sounded pretty beat on the phone. I don’t really know what to do, but I feel quite strongly that I should go and see them. Bring them lunch, talk to them, give them hugs. That sort of thing. I’m not sure how to go about it or when, but I need to do it soon. I need to think.

Stay safe.

No nightmares last night, but another strange dream. J and I were on a cruise on this enormous, beautiful cruise ship. That was kind of weird because neither of us have expressed any interest in going on a trip with a cruise line, but we had a nice big cabin with a balcony and there was a bowling alley (which again didn’t make a lot of sense to me, what with the ship slowly rolling a bit in the water) and a huge buffet that included food that I recognized and liked. There was an old-style arcade with a whole bunch of old games I really liked that didn’t take any quarters or tokens to play, and a big clear dome at the bottom of this ship that you could go down into and watch the fish and dolphins and whales. All the time, we only saw a couple of crew members and no other passengers, which was really great.

We were both amazed and were excited to visit more parts of the ship the next day (we’d only scratched the surface) but it was late so we returned to our cabin and started to get ready to go to sleep. That’s when we discovered that I’d forgotten my CPAP machine at home.

J was NOT impressed. She called the captain and he came down in his fancy white uniform and white cap and told us there were no CPAP machines available on the ship. J then said that I was a very noisy snorer (which has actually been proven) and demanded that I get moved to another cabin.

Captain said there weren’t any free cabins. J asked if I could sleep in one of the lounges or in the aviary. No luck.

Their solution? Stuffing me in a Kisbee ring and towing me behind the ship for the night. It was a lot more comfortable than I imagined that I’d imagine it would be. The water was warm and dolphins kept coming up to me and saying hello. Or trying to figure out if I was food. I’m not sure. Either way, it was pretty comfortable. But weird.

Stay safe.

Song: “Flowers On The Wall” by the Statler Brothers

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 1

Ghosts: Pack

I just got home a little while ago from volunteering at the church, and J and I are going to go to the hardware store as soon as she gets home so I figured I’d write up a quick little update.

Aside from falling asleep on the couch Wednesday night again, Thursday went very well. My father-in-law stopped in for a quick but very good visit. It’s been quite some time since we last had a chance to chat (over a year… maybe two?) and it was wonderful to shoot the breeze and catch up a bit. I don’t know if he reads this but if he does, thank you for stopping by!

Yesterday evening was good, too. Due to a miscommunication on my part, we ended up having pizza instead of leftover chili. Don’t get me wrong – the chili is very good but we’d had it for a couple of days already and we didn’t have anything to go along with it. That turned out okay, though, because every once in a while it’s nice to sit on the couch and eat pizza while watching TV.

I got to bed a little later than I’d hoped last night. I woke up once from a nightmare (tent) but was able to get back to sleep pretty quickly, and I didn’t have to get out of bed.

Today has been pretty good. Like I mentioned earlier, I did get out to the church down the street to volunteer for a bit and it went well. It had been a while since I was there so there was a lot of catching up and chatting about how the holidays went.

I’ve got a couple of projects that I really want to get done or make good progress on this weekend. Some printing stuff, some electronics stuff, I and need to do some good old fashioned research. Like, the kind of research that people would normally do while sitting in a library surrounded by piles of books while they scribbled notes on a legal pad. I may ask for J’s help with that – she’s way better at that sort of thing than I am.

Next week it sounds like FA will be coming over (woo!), I have a Dr C appointment on Wednesday, and I may volunteer at the church again on Friday. No x-rays or getting poked with strange instruments scheduled, but you never know what might break out.

Stay safe.