An Anxious Day

I’ve been feeling anxious and jumpy all day. I had two small panic attacks this afternoon and I can’t stop thinking about who I am, who I should be, and how to make sure that I’m a good person. I wasn’t getting anywhere with it so I tried to put it out of my head but I haven’t had much luck. I can feel myself winding up, tighter and tighter. I hate it.

J took me to the nearby hospital early in the morning for a CT scan appointment so now that’s done and over with. They injected a contrast that made me feel like I’d just wet myself; fortunately, they warned me about it first. After that, we headed home. J is still not feeling very well so she took today off and we hung out for a lot of the day.

The air conditioner in the truck isn’t working. I did some troubleshooting today and figured out enough to say I need to take it into a shop to get a professional to look at it. The fuses and everything look good but the clutch isn’t engaging to turn on the compressor. Could be that there’s not enough refrigerant left in the system, could be that there’s something wrong with the clutch solenoid or the clutch itself. On the upside, I spent about an hour out in the beautiful sunshine we had today.

J signed us both up for a pointillism class next week. It’s just a one evening thing but it will be nice to get out of the house and do something different.

Argh… I hate how I’m feeling right now. I may have to break down and take one of my PRN medications if it gets any worse. Mass Effect didn’t divert my attention enough (which is weird) – maybe I’ll go downstairs and listen to some music. Hopefully that will help.

Stay safe!

Doing A Lot Of Thinking

I spent a lot of the weekend thinking about where I am and where I want to be. I’ve been off work for over a year and my stomach still twists whenever I think about that. I can’t go back to my old job – there’s no way I can do that anymore and preserve my mental health (regardless of the state it’s in). I keep thinking to myself that this is an opportunity to reinvent myself, but reinvent myself as what? I’m over 40 and have pretty specialized training and experience – unfortunately, it’s training and experience in what I can no longer do. I need to get away from IM/IT work and do something else.

I really enjoy welding, but who is going to hire a 40+ year old apprentice welder when there are tons of 18 or 19 year olds trying for the same jobs? It would be the same with pretty much any trade. I have supervisory experience, but that pretty much dried up in 2012, so I don’t have anything recent. I enjoy writing, but there’s not a lot of technical writing work out there and I don’t have specific training in it anyway.

I’ve heard some people say that there’s a job out there that’s a perfect match, you just have to find it. Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and looking and I have yet to find anything that I think would work. Compounding the issue is that even thinking about that stuff makes me feel like I’m going to throw up.

J has been really helpful, both bouncing ideas off me and telling me that I should stop thinking about this stuff and keep working on getting better. It’s hard for me to not think about work – I want, more than anything, to help people – but I feel like I’m balancing on the edge of a cliff, and I really, REALLY don’t want to fall again.

Another thing I’m wondering about is how can I tell when I’m ready to go back to work? What about if I’m ready to volunteer somewhere one day a week? What about take a course or two? I’m hamstrung by how my brain is working right now. Some days I feel like I’m ready to try, but other days I can’t pull myself out of bed. Who is going to hire a 40+ year old apprentice anything who will have bad days but can’t tell what the pattern or magnitude will be?

When I was still working, I felt trapped – stuck in a job that was slowly grinding me down to nothing. I still feel trapped because I’m really scared that I’ll have to go back to where I was, and where nothing has changed. I just can’t do it.

How do I reinvent myself? How can I go to bed and not be scared that the insurance company is going to call tomorrow and tell me I have to go back to work?

God, I hate having this stuff hanging over my head. I don’t even know where to begin to fix it. Baby steps, I guess.

Stay safe!

All Ready For The Weekend

I slept pretty well last night. I had a couple of bad dreams but I don’t think they woke me up.

Poor J was home today, the bug she picked up (which was probably the one I had… sorry about that) is really kicking the crap out of her. I feel very sorry for her – she looks miserable. I tried to make her comfortable but there’s only so much that tea and a blanket can do when your whole body aches and it feels like your sinuses are trying to force their way out through your forehead.

I spent a fair amount of time today playing with that new Pi camera. I managed to get the camera in pretty good focus but I think I must have broken the cable. Fortunately, I have a few spares so it wasn’t a big deal. I was more worried that I had wrecked the entire camera module. I have lofty plans for that particular Pi and a camera. Mind you, I’ve had lofty plans before for a Pi but they didn’t pan out. I always seem to be afraid to actually use one in a manner where it might get broken. It’s silly – they’re not very expensive and I have a couple of them so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t commit one to a “permanent” installation. I need to just say to heck with it and USE it.

I put the tomatoes and other plants out on the deck today so they could get some more sun. The air was cool but the sun felt pleasantly warm on my skin. I stood outside for a minute and just enjoyed how it felt. It’s interesting how the little things can give a person a boost.

I played some more Mass Effect today. I’m really enjoying that game. I’m afraid to spend too much time on it all at once – I don’t want to burn through the whole thing too quickly. So far I think it has a fair amount of replay value so I will have to keep it on my list of things to do when I’m feeling bad.

WG called this evening and we spent a while chatting. He can’t go to the record store on Monday, which actually works out for me as I have to go and get a test done in the morning. It was really good to talk to him – one of the things I miss about work is working with him. We made a pretty good team.

This weekend is supposed to be quite a bit warmer than it’s been lately. I hope to get out in the garage and do some cleanup and work on the bike again. If I get the bike done, I may even do some welding. That would be a great way to spend some time and practice concentrating on something.

Have a good weekend and stay safe!


Today started out a little rough. When getting ready to leave the house, I put my phone down at least three times and forgot where I put it. Then, I got to Dr C’s office and found out my appointment was actually yesterday. Despite the mistake being 100% my fault (if you’re reading this, I’m sorry about that), she was able to fit me in somehow and I think we got a lot of stuff done.

Thus far, Dr C has been leading me through a lot of CBT and it’s helped a lot. There are a few things that are proving to be a little more stubborn, though, and for that we’re going to try EMDR. I’m not familiar with it at all but she described it in detail and gave me an information sheet to look through. I have high hopes – the CBT worked better than I could have possibly hoped, and as I’m receptive to the EMDR, I don’t see why it shouldn’t help.

I’m still not feeling quite right. It’s like I’m a little bummed out or something, but not quite. If it’s still bothering me tomorrow I’ll do some meditating on it and see if I can figure out what’s going on. I hope it’s not the beginning of another slide – the good thing about that is I have a much better idea of what to do if it happens and with luck I won’t end up in the hospital again.

J came home early from work today. She has also caught the creeping crud. I made her tea and hung out with her for most of the afternoon and evening. I enjoy being near her, even when we’re doing totally separate things. I played some more Mass Effect and fiddled around with the new Raspberry Pi camera. I’ve got it working but it’s really out of focus. You can change the focus manually but it takes a really careful touch to not break the camera.

Tomorrow, the weather is finally supposed to start approaching normal for this time of year. I’m really hoping to take the plants outside during the day and put them in the garage at night. I also want to get the oil and coolant back into the bike and start it up again. Once the bike is done, I have to cut up a few cardboard boxes that are in the garage and I can start welding again. I’m really looking forward to it – J got me a new welding shirt for Christmas and I’m really looking forward to not starting myself on fire like I did with my previous welding shirt (that was just denim). The first thing I’m going to weld is a practice bead or two on some junk steel, then I’m going to make a stand for my grinder. I have the parts, but I just need to get it all together.

Stay safe!

Doing Okay

I thought I slept well last night but maybe I didn’t – I’ve been tired all day. It wasn’t a “bad” day, but I spent a lot of it just staring into space or snoozing. I had a good chat with my mom this morning, which was quite nice since I hadn’t talked with her for a while. My parents are getting excited for an upcoming trip and I really hope they have a good time.

My Raspberry Pi 3 and assorted other goodies showed up today. I’ve been playing a bit with the Pi to see if J and I can play Heroes of Might and Magic 2 on it but I’m not quite there yet. I really hope this new version has the horsepower to do it.

My Dr W appointment today went well. We left the zopiclone alone but completely removed what was left of my supper lorazepam. I used to take 2mg in the morning, 2mg at supper, and 2mg before bed, but now I’m down to 0.5mg in the morning and 2mg before bed, and I haven’t missed it yet! I have some rescue lorazepam in case I need it but I’m really hoping this trend continues.

After my appointment, J and I went to the local motorcycle store to take a look around and then went out for supper at a little greasy spoon we like. We hadn’t been there in a while and it looks like they did a whole bunch of renovations to spruce the place up. J had their house special burger and I had a chili burger. We both really enjoyed the food, and we went early enough to avoid the supper crowd so I was quite comfortable mentally.

After we were done supper, I asked J if I could try driving us home. She said sure and I got us home without incident. I was pretty anxious in places but I think it went quite well. That marks the farthest point west from home that I have driven since I got ill. I think I will try to drive myself out there soon so I get more comfortable with it.

I’ve been wrestling with something for a little while now. My favourite uncle – who lives out on the east coast, has asked me if I’d like to go hunting with him in September. I’ve never been asked before and I really appreciate it but with the problems I’m having with leaving the house now, I doubt I will be comfortable leaving the city for several days. Plus, I really, REALLY don’t like flying. It’s not the flying part that bothers me, it’s pretty much everything else. Airports, security, lines… I’ve never liked that stuff. But I’d really like to go and visit my relatives. Plus, I don’t know how many more years my uncle will be going out hunting. I don’t want to disappoint him but at the same time I don’t want to take on more than I can handle. I’ll have to think on that a bit. September is still a while away at least.

I have my Dr C appointment early tomorrow morning so I need to remember to wake up with J and, more importantly, stay awake after she leaves.

Stay safe!

An Okay Day

Replacing the zopiclone that had been cut from my nightly medication made a huge difference in my sleep last night. I woke up once at about 3AM but was able to get back to sleep quickly and slept the rest of the night. When I finally got up this morning I felt more foggy but less tired than I had the last few days.

I think my immune system has finally routed whatever virus I picked up and is cleaning up the last pockets of resistance. I feel a lot better today but I’m still walking around with pockets full of tissues just in case my nose decides to start running again.

I listened to some records this morning while I did laundry: the Dukes of Dixieland and the soundtrack from The Sting. After that, I put up the “one month” post and did some more writing. I tried to get up the oomph to do something physical but my tank was pretty empty today for some reason. I feel a little down and (as usual) I’m not sure why. Hopefully it will pass quickly.

I have my Dr W appointment tomorrow and I hope that we can figure out what to do about the zopiclone. I suppose that I’m going to have to reduce it again and some day get rid of it entirely, but maybe there’s another way that’ll make it easier. Taking 3/4 of my current amount instead of 1/2, something like that. It’s at the top of my list for medications I want to stop taking because it tastes SO BAD. It’s like old metal coat hangers being roasted over a bunch of burning tires. Blargh.

I think I’m going to spend some time this evening doing arts and crafts with J. I tried oil painting last night and boy was it different from the acrylic I’m used to. I’ll have to watch another couple of Bob Ross episodes before I try it again.

Stay safe!

It’s Been A Month!

Today marks a month since my first post to this site. I’ve got to admit, writing about how I’m doing and the things that help me has been feeling good. Of course, there are some days when I don’t feel like doing anything, but I’ve been really enjoying this. I’m grateful that Dr C suggested I try to get back into hobbies that I used to enjoy, and thankful for her, Dr W’s, and J’s support.

I started posting two days after I got home from the hospital. It was quite difficult at first – I didn’t really feel like writing, didn’t know what I wanted to say, and had trouble writing it down. Since then, it’s been getting easier to come up with things to say and write them down.

I’m still feeling pretty well since I was discharged. I’ve had some ups and downs but I think I’m trending steadily upwards. Dr C and I are no longer dealing with the crisis of the week, instead we’re able to work on the same thing for a couple of weeks in a row. Dr W has been reducing my medication and despite having to return to the earlier dose of zopiclone, I am still down a fair amount of medication from where I used to be.

I’ve still got a long way to go, though. I still can’t answer the phone, I still have nightmares and panic attacks, and I can’t handle crowds, sirens, or police, government, or military imagery. I still stay away from news sites and TV channels and I have to be careful with the movies and shows I watch with J. My memory and concentration aren’t very good, and I can only drive comfortably within a limited radius.

But that’s okay. With more work, time, and the support of my family, friends, and professionals, I will continue to get better, even if there is the occasional step backwards.

If you’ve been reading my ramblings, thanks for your time and I hope you found something useful or helpful along the way!

Stay safe!

I Think I’m Going To Pull Through

I feel quite a bit better. Still not good, but better than yesterday. I didn’t get together with WG or FA, which kind of sucks but I really needed today to rest. Compounding the problem of my cold/flu/whatever is the fact that I haven’t slept all that well since last Wednesday when Dr W and I agreed to lower my zopiclone. I’ve been getting to sleep okay but I’ve been waking up at about 3AM and, despite still being tired, haven’t been able to get back to sleep. It’s frustrating seeing the clock show 3:30, then 4:10, then 4:28, then 5:06…

I ended up calling Dr W’s office today to see if I could go back to the full dose and he said it was no problem. I’m looking forward to seeing if it makes a difference tonight. If putting the dose back to where it was lets me sleep, what does that mean for me being able to stop using it in the future? I’ll need to talk to Dr W about it but I really hope that it doesn’t mean I’m hooked or something like that. With luck this is just a little blip and it’ll work out quickly. On the other hand, what if putting it back doesn’t help? I guess I’ll find out tonight.

Other than feeling sick and tired, today was a pretty good day. I tried to do my exercises but flaked out after ten minutes on the treadmill, all sweaty and coughing. I listened to a couple of old Dixieland records and then tried to watch The Professional on the little Roku TV device. For some reason, instead of playing commercials, the movie would start all over again. I could skip forward, but as soon as it got to the next commercial break, it would go right back to the beginning. I ended up getting tired of it (literally) and fell asleep on the couch.

The nap did me good and I got some things done around the house, played Mass Effect, and put up a couple of posts. I’m still really surprised to see that mental health was mentioned in the game and the way it was worded. I think little things like that help to make more people aware of mental illness and reduce the stigma of it. Once everybody understands that it can affect anyone at any time, it’ll hopefully be seen not as a weakness but as the illness it really is.

J mailed off my thank-you letter this morning (if you read this, thanks again!) and I started on the next one this afternoon. I find it very difficult to concentrate for long enough to write something appreciative, coherent, and not rambling. I’m sure part of the problem is how grateful I am to the people I’m writing to or about, and how much I want to just write “THANK YOU” all over the paper.

I gave myself a headache this afternoon. I was thinking about work again, wondering how and why everything happened the way it did and how on Earth I was going to get back to being a productive member of society. That led to me clenching my jaw, which led to a sore neck, which led to the headache. I really need to figure out a way of thinking about work without making myself miserable. I should probably ask Dr C about that.

I’ve done a little more cleaning up in my office and I have to say that I find it really comfortable now. I can sit and work on little things or do posts like this or I can just close my eyes, relax, and meditate. The bubbling of the water from the aquarium helps a lot, too. I should probably add that to my list of grounding techniques.

I’m in the mood to make some bread. I’ll wait until I’m plague-free but that’s something I think I’m going to do soon. It’s relaxing and rewarding at the same time. Plus, homemade bread is tasty.

Stay safe!

Hit Hard By The Crud

After a day of feeling better, the cold/flu/plague I picked up came back with reinforcements. I spent the weekend blowing my nose, coughing, and sneezing. Today in some ways has been the worst – lacking the energy to do anything, I spent most of my day either in bed or wishing I was in bed.

On the upside, I did finally finish a thank-you letter that I’ve been working on for the better part of a year. It’ll feel good to finally send it. Only one more letter to go and I’ll be all caught up!

J and I watched a bunch of Community episodes last night and had a good time. I think we’re going to watch a couple more this evening but I’m not totally sure.

I was supposed to get together with WG and FA tomorrow but I got in touch with them today and cancelled. I hate doing that, I was really looking forward to the record store and going on a caper with FA.

Well… I guess this is going to be a short post because I need to go and blow my nose. AGAIN.

Stay safe!

Welcome To The Weekend

After the problems I had sleeping back on Wednesday evening, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I slept pretty well last night. I woke up at about 4AM from a vivid, terrifying nightmare that took a little while to calm down from, but when I was asleep, I slept very well.

When I woke up this morning, J was getting ready for work and my cold hadn’t gone away. A CPAP mask feels weird enough, but coughing and sneezing into one is even weirder (and much more disgusting). I got up, had some breakfast, and got ready for the day.

I did some writing for a while, then headed to the basement and watched Interstellar. I found it to be a fantastic movie with kind of a weak ending. It was long, too – over two and a half hours – but it did its job of grabbing my attention and keeping it for the duration. I don’t know what I’d do if I was an astronaut, alone in another galaxy. Part of me thinks I’d jump up and down in glee, but the majority of my brain just can’t process that kind of loneliness.

After the movie was over I played around with my Raspberry Pi computers and installed SETI@Home on a couple of them. They’ll take forever to do the calculations but at they use very little power and that way they’re doing something. Who knows – maybe my little Pis will find some alien signal.

Once I was done playing with the computers, I went back to writing. I find that when I’m in the mood, stuff just pours out of my brain, into my fingers, and onto the keyboard. I like writing all kinds of stuff. Short and medium-length stories, primarily sci-fi or mystery, that sort of thing. I’ve got three stories on the go right now and pick one to work on that matches my mood.

After that, it was more Mass Effect. I sure do like that game. I get a kick out of the bickering between companions when we’re driving around on some God-forsaken alien planet.

After J got home, we had supper and then talked for a while. J went to get some of her evening stuff done and I sat down at the table with a canvas and paints and spent over an hour painting another masterpiece. This time it was a pier going out into the sea. Dr C has a picture like that on the wall of her office and I did my best to emulate it. Of course, I’m not a painter… but I still enjoyed myself.

I think I’m probably going to spend the rest of my evening blowing my nose and watching some more episodes of Community. That’s a good way to start the weekend.

Stay safe!