Big Panic Attack Today

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

As usual, I woke up worrying about things several times last night. I also remember having several weird dreams that took place in a grocery store but they weren’t scary and didn’t wake me up. I was feeling pretty tired when I got out of bed, and it stuck with me all day.

Dr C suggested last week that there have been some studies that show a possible correlation between eating more protein for breakfast and lower anxiety and depression symptoms. Since my breakfast is typically cereal and toast, there’s definitely something to be desired in the protein department. As a result, I’ve been eating a hard-boiled egg every day with my breakfast. I don’t know if it’s making any difference, but it’s nice to add a bit more variety to breakfast.

I went out to do my homework today and go for my walk. I started in on the truck first, and was sitting there with the ignition off, listening to music and doing some grounding, when the insurance company and work popped into my head. We got a call from the insurance company last week and an email from work this week. J has been taking care of it (thank you!!!!!) and has told me several times that it’s actually good news, but I don’t trust anyone from the insurance company or work.

Even with good music playing and the truck was still sitting in the garage, I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head – all I could think about was that it’s all a trick and they are cutting me off and I have to go back to my old job. I tried very hard to stop catastrophizing and to bring my thoughts back to the present, but I could feel that prickly feeling on my back, chest, and forehead meaning that a flop sweat was on its way. My thoughts went crazy to the point where I couldn’t fully make sense of what I was thinking, and every part of me was screaming at me to do something. I rested my head on the steering wheel and did several rounds of grounding but I couldn’t break the panic.

I gave up trying to fight it in the garage and staggered, whimpering, to the garage door button to close and then fought hard to stay and wait until the door had fully closed before I bolted for the house. Once inside, I grabbed two PRNs, went downstairs, put on some loud music, and tried to ride it out. Even with the lorazepam, it took around 40 minutes before things calmed down the point where I could take a full breath and I didn’t feel like I was going to die. I know I’ve said this before but I HATE panic attacks. Nothing makes me feel so helpless, pathetic, and unable to control my own body more than a panic attack.

So… my homework did not go well today at all.

After I calmed down I listened to some more music and then started to send out my round of texts. A nice thing about texting is that you can be in a terrible mood and type stuff like, “Hey! How’s the new dog? Has he dug up another one of your plants and dragged it around the house? LOL :-D” and still be sociable. I think that’s important – to keep doing the texting thing even when I really don’t feel like it. I need to keep in touch with my family and friends.

I looked at the towel I made yesterday in the light today and I’m actually pretty pleased with it. It looks kind of weird and isn’t the right dimensions, but if someone wants to dry something with it, I think it’ll work. J’s aunt D mentioned that she has some towel material she bought years ago and never got around to doing anything with it so she was wondering if I wanted it. I said sure, so she’ll bring it with her next time we get together. I guess this is as good a time to mention that if anyone has any old bedsheets that they’re going to toss out, I’ll take them off your hands and make pillowcases out of them to donate to shelters.

Today I made a bunch of bean bags. I haven’t filled them yet but it’s just a matter of pouring the rice in and then finishing up the stitches. The stitches are a little thick where I go back and forth a few times to lock in the stitches but otherwise I think they look pretty good – I like the yellow thread.

Tomorrow I have a Dr C appointment. I would prefer to not go but while I am usually exhausted after a session, I often feel better than I did when I went in. Hopefully that’s the case tomorrow.

Stay safe.

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