Author Archives: Mark

Song: “Careful With That Axe, Eugene” by Pink Floyd

Mood: 7

I didn’t sleep very well last night. Only one nightmare, but I kept waking up for some reason. It was easy enough to get back to sleep, but I don’t like it when my sleep is interrupted like that. As a result, it took me longer than usual to get going this morning.

I bumped my exercise regimen up a notch this morning. Sped up the treadmill a bit and added some more weight to what I’m lifting. My arms are still a little rubbery but I felt like I’d accomplished something when I finished all of my physical and mental exercises this morning. It was a good feeling.

I spent some time at my electronics bench again, mostly just playing around. I’ve set up an old Raspberry Pi down there so I can start using it to do things like blink lights or run servo motors. My imagination used to run wild with possibilities when I’d look at my electronics bench but now it’s very difficult to think of something creative to do with all of the components and parts I’ve collected over the years.

After that, I listened to some records. I think I’ve said this before but there are some records and songs that sound better with the hissing and pops of vinyl. “King of the Road” by Roger Miller is probably the best example of this that I have in my collection. It just sounds… proper when it’s on vinyl.

I spent quite a bit of time today working on the CD homework that Dr P gave me last week. The most successful method by far for me seems to be the one where I treat unwanted thoughts as bullies and yell at them to leave me alone. I don’t know how practical that method will be outside of me practicing it but at least it’s promising. Another method that works better than most is to pretend to put a tag on the thoughts that says they are “broken” and shouldn’t be used. I hope I can get the CD to work, it would be really nice to, say, have a thought about work and just toss it away.

My mom called this afternoon and we had a good chat. My parents are visiting relatives and having a wonderful time. I’m glad they got out to see everyone.

I texted with DA today and we’re going to try to get together for a while sometime this week. He’s a really busy guy so it’s tough for him to nail down a time too far in advance. I’m looking forward to seeing him, it’s been a long time.

J and I have been watching a lot of Community episodes. We started back at season 1 and still find it really funny.

Tomorrow I have my Dr W appointment. It will be good to see him again, I have a couple of questions for him and am hoping that we can start trying to reduce some of my medications again.

Stay safe.

Song: “Manic Monday” by the Bangles

Mood: 7.5

This has been a pretty good weekend. Friday, we hung out and went for dinner with FA and DM and it was a really good time.

Saturday went quite well too. I spent a lot of time thinking about work and what I need to do. I still feel like I’m spinning my wheels but I was able to stay relaxed and didn’t get too stressed out about it like I usually do.

I also spent a bit of time working on the homework that Dr P gave me. It’s interesting – he gave me a handout with different ways to do Cognitive Defusion. Some of them I can tell right away won’t work for me – they feel far too artificial or cheesy, while others seem to fit me a little better I think.

Sunday was another good day. I spent a lot of time working on CD, trying out some of the more promising methods and I think I have at least three that don’t strike me as being silly. I also spent more time thinking about work. It wasn’t too bad but I wish I could go for a couple of days without slogging through the same questions and problems that I don’t have a solution for yet.

In addition to work, I also spent some time worrying about the healthcare changes that are going on around here. J has been keeping an eye on the news – there are triggers for me in the news so I avoid it – and has been keeping me updated on how the healthcare things are changing. In some ways it seems good but even the best plans require change.

This evening, my mother-in-law came over for dinner and to visit for a while. It was very nice to see her again, and J made a really good pasta and meat sauce meal with stew beef that sat and simmered all afternoon. It was great to catch up and have a good chat.

I think that I’m going to try and increase my physical exercise effort a bit this week. We have a decent treadmill in the basement and I’ve been using it but I don’t think I’ve been pushing myself enough. Dr W says that any exercise that gets my heart pumping is very good for my recovery and mood, and I have everything at home that I need to do that.

Stay safe.

Song: “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen

Mood: 7.5

Other than one particularly vivid nightmare last night, I think I slept quite well. I got up, had breakfast, did my exercises, and tidied up the house a bit to get ready for FA’s arrival.

She showed up around 2PM and had a very interesting idea for a project. She wants to use an old-style steel pulley from farm equipment for the wheel on her new fence. We found some steel tubing out in the garage that fit closely enough to be an axle, and then we were off to the hardware store to look at bearings and do an aisle crawl.

We found some of the parts that she needed and I think have a plan to move forward. It’s going to involve steel, plasma cutting, welding – all kinds of fun stuff.

Time flew by while we were at the store, and we had to be at the restaurant to meet J and DM at 4:45. We paid for our stuff (I bought a welding respirator and a little bag of candy) and then headed over to the restaurant.

J and DM arrived shortly after and we had a really good conversation while we waited for our food. It was great to hang out with them again and J and I had a very good time. I had the steak and it was delightful; if all steaks were like that, the world would be a better place.

About two hours later, the restaurant started to fill up and I found it more difficult to keep track of the conversation and I could feel my anxiety building. Grounding exercises helped quite a bit and I don’t think I looked too weird. Eventually, the sound got to the point where none of us could really hear so we decided to leave. We’d been there for almost three hours!

Aside from the noise later on, I had a fantastic time and it felt good to be out of the house for a while (if you guys read this, thanks again!). FA and I didn’t walk to the hardware store like we’d planned, but between the heavy steel pulley she brought along and the rainy, cool weather, everything worked out better. I’m sure we’ll walk to the store sometime in the future.

This weekend I need to work on the homework that both Dr W and Dr P gave me. For Dr W, I need to finish writing out my nightmares in as much detail as I can. For Dr P, I need to work on the cognitive defusion techniques that he gave me. I don’t need to learn them all, just pick two or three that I can relate to and concentrate on them.

Stay safe.

Song: “Waterloo” by ABBA

Mood: 6.5

I didn’t sleep all that well last night – one nightmare but I woke up many times – and it took me quite a while to get going this morning. I did my exercises in a haze and fell back asleep during my worry time. That doesn’t happen too often.

I spent some time wandering around the house again but finally sat down and did some more reading from the biology book that J picked up for me. It’s been a pretty good read so far. After that I went into the kitchen and did a little bit of tidying and then watched some more YouTube videos. I didn’t accomplish all that much.

My session with Dr P today went well. He’s been keeping track of what I’ve been doing and saying and he thinks it’s a good idea to move away from the EMDR for a while and concentrate on something called Cognitive Defusion. The idea behind CD (I think) is to treat thoughts almost like items instead of thoughts. Instead of thinking, “I feel bad,” I’m supposed to think, “I’m having thoughts that make me feel bad”. That way, I can deal with the thoughts themselves and distance myself from the emotions that they invoke. It’s an interesting idea and I’m going to spend a lot of time practicing it over the next week. I hope it works – I have a lot of thoughts that I wish I could treat like a mouldy apple and just throw away.

The other day I brought my electric razor upstairs and charged it for the first time in probably a couple of years. Usually I just use a trimmer and call it good enough, but I tend to let my beard go for a while between trimmings. That leads to a more Grizzly Adams-like look than I’d like. I’ve set a goal for myself – every time I shower, I’ll use the razor to keep the stubble on my neck in check. That way, even if I let my beard go crazy, it’ll still look “clean”. Hopefully I’ll stick with it. I have given some thought to getting rid of my beard entirely but for whatever reason, it feels like a part of me.

I’m still trying to decide what to put in my aquarium. I’m still really leaning toward cleaner shrimp but was thinking of getting a couple of neon tetras or maybe even a single betta. I’m also thinking of putting in a couple of different aquarium plants – even though they don’t do much, I still find them interesting, particularly under the microscope.

Heard a lot of geese on their way south today. It was almost 20C cooler than it was on Tuesday, too.

Stay safe.

Song: “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC

Mood: 6

I slept pretty well last night, only waking up once because of my nightmares. Had a rough start this morning, though. I’m not sure why but it took until well after 10AM for me to get myself in order enough to start the day.

I slogged through my exercises, both physical and mental, and shuffled around the house trying to find something that captured my interest. I didn’t have a lot of luck. For a good part of the day all I could think about was going back to bed, but I managed to resist that particular urge.

This evening, I did some laundry and forced myself to sit at my electronics bench for a couple of hours. I surprised myself by actually being interested in what I was doing and I think I’ll be spending more time at the bench over the next while. I found one of my notebooks and it looks like I haven’t really done much of this stuff in almost three years. It’s weird to look at your own handwriting and not understand what you’ve written out. Time flies…

J and I are getting together with FA and DM on Friday. We’re going to a steakhouse for dinner. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re going a while before the supper rush so it’ll be easier to have a good conversation and the whole thing will be more relaxed. FA is also coming over earlier so we can go to the hardware store and wander around there for a while, which is always a good time. She suggested we walk – it’ll take about 20-30 minutes but the weather is supposed to change and they’re calling for rain. We’ll see what happens.

Stay safe.

Song: “Little Deuce Coupe” by the Beach Boys

Mood: 6

I think I slept reasonably well last night, waking up only once from a nightmare. I hope I’m getting back to the zero-to-one nightmares per night instead of the two-to-three.

I did my exercises early in the morning again when I was still groggy and it doesn’t seem like it helps clear my head any faster. At the very least if I do them earlier then they’re done.

I’ve been feeling like I’m headed for a bit of a dip. My motivation is harder to scrape together and I’m still having trouble focusing on things. I listened to some music, played around with my electronics stuff for a bit, and did some writing.

This evening, J and I watched a few episodes of Community. Man, what a great show – especially the first couple of seasons.

It’s not supposed to be as hot out tomorrow as it was today (34C in September!) so depending on how I feel I may go outside and do some stuff. The garden is pretty much finished, the only thing left to do is take the rest of the potatoes in.

Stay safe.

Song: “Hotel California” by the Eagles

Mood: 7

I only woke up from one nightmare last night, and the rest of my sleep was quite good.

I thought I’d try something different today and moved my physical exercises to earlier in the morning to see if moving around would help clear the grogginess faster. I don’t think it made much of a difference but I’m going to try it again tomorrow. Aside from feeling groggy, the only real downside is that it takes a LOT more effort to exercise at that time.

My mindfulness and worry exercises were a little more difficult today than usual, too. I think I feel a slump coming, probably because the summer is almost over and – as always – I don’t like being reminded that time is passing much more quickly than I’d like. I remember thinking in the spring that I was going to take some courses in the fall… and now it’s too late. Probably just as well.

I tried to do some writing today but I couldn’t get myself together enough to focus well. Same thing with reading.

I played some Borderlands and enjoyed that, and watched a couple of YouTube videos featuring things being squished by a hydraulic press.

Other than that, I’m not sure where the day went.

On the upside, it sounds like J and I are going to get together with FA and DM on Friday. We are both looking forward to it!

Stay safe.

Song: “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band

Mood: 8

I didn’t sleep very well this weekend. On Friday evening, I had a piece of Nanaimo bar in the evening well after supper and couldn’t get to sleep until about 4:30AM. I had noticed a possible correlation between having sweets later in the evening and not being able to sleep a few times before, but I think this cements it for me. No more late snacks – especially sweet ones.

So Saturday was a little rough. I felt hungover and groggy almost all day. On Saturday night I didn’t get to sleep until about 1:30AM but I think that was more because the house feels a lot different when J is away.

Today I feel a lot better but had to fight through the grogginess from when I got up until it lifted at about 10AM. That’s more in line with a regular morning for me.

This weekend I played a lot of Borderlands and watched a lot of Community. I’ve got some laundry in the wash right now so I can say I accomplished something important this weekend, but for the most part I was relaxing and enjoying it.

J got home late this afternoon. It sure is good to have her back home – I missed her a lot. She had a good time with her parents and got a lot of stuff done there, too.

J has been in contact with FA and it sounds like we’re going to be getting together this coming Friday. I’m looking forward to it. We’re not sure what we’re going to do yet but there’s plenty of time to figure it out.

This week I have an appointment with Dr P. I am both dreading and looking forward to our next EMDR session. It definitely feels like it’s doing something, but we’re working on something that I find difficult to talk about.

I also got a lot more done on the homework Dr W gave me.

I might get together with WG tomorrow to go record shopping, too. He’s pretty busy, though, so I’m not entirely sure. It would be good to hang out with him again.

Stay safe.

Song: “BC” by Sparks

Mood: 7.5

I slept quite a bit better last night, only waking up once from a nightmare that I can recall.

Today has been a decent day. I did some writing and played a lot of Borderlands. It’s a great game but takes some patience, though – I find some of the boss battles are tough. The Claptrap robots are really quite amusing.

I did a lot more thinking about how I can better push back my safe zone boundaries later this afternoon but I think I need to talk to Dr P and Dr W about it. Dr W also gave me some homework to do to help with my nightmares and I’ve started in on that. He told me to write out my nightmares in every detail and then read them over and over, with the idea being that I’ll desensitize myself to them and they won’t frighten me as much anymore. Dr C and I did something similar quite a while ago and it made a big difference back then but lately the nightmares have been getting worse.

This evening I went out for some groceries and then binge-watched some 1^st season episodes of Community. There’s so much in every scene of that show that I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of watching it. Just this evening I noticed that Abed has an Atari VCS box in his room. Never noticed that before.

J headed out of town to her parents’ place right after work and got there safely. We just had a quick phone chat and everybody over there is doing well. It was good to talk to her – I miss her already.

As an aside, this is my 200^th post. A hundred posts ago, I had just been re-admitted to the hospital. Two hundred posts ago, I had just been released from a previous stint in the psych ward. I have found that writing this blog has been a very good outlet for me – a good way to jot down some of my experiences and ideas and keep a journal. I’ll be greedy and say that I’m doing this for me, but if anyone else out there has found something useful here, I’ll be very happy!

Stay safe.