Interesting Times Ahead

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Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 1

When I got up this morning, I went to see how my fish was doing. Fortunately, he survived the night and I caught him nibbling at some food. Hopefully he’s adapting well and will live a long, happy life. He’s got a three gallon tank all to himself so there’s plenty of room for him to wander around. I may add a couple of cleaner shrimp just to help keep things tidy (and they’re amusing, too).

I did some of my exercises today and spent some time just watching the new fish. It’s a lot more graceful and slow-moving than the tetras in the main tank are. It’s quite relaxing to just watch him wander around the tank, actually.

I heard from my mom this morning. My aunt and uncle stayed at their place last night and my folks took the opportunity to let them know what was going on with me. They said that J and I had their full support and if there was anything they could do to let them know. That’s pretty much all of my relatives now and every single one has been very supportive. I’m very lucky to have family that understands and cares about what’s going on. It’s a huge relief.

My Dr P appointment was a little more difficult than usual but for a very good reason. We’re starting to talk about values and how people see themselves. This is something that I’ve been having a HUGE problem with since I left work so I’m looking forward to making progress in this area. Figuring out my values I think is key to finding the answer about how I can be a good person. I’m usually not excited about therapy but I’m really looking forward to working on this. Dr P gave me some homework to do that we’re going to go over during our next session.

I also asked Dr P about how we can tell whether our thoughts can hurt us or not. His response was that thoughts can’t hurt us – events and actions can. For example, me worrying that the house will get broken into doesn’t mean anything is more or less likely to happen. It’s just a thought. It took me a little while to wrap my head around it but it makes sense now. Hopefully it will still make sense tomorrow morning…

This evening, J and I are going to watch some more Community. We’re still on the second season (for the third time now I think) and it’s still making me laugh. Laughing is good.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Got Me A Fish

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Song: “Takin’ Care of Business” by BTO

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 1

I woke up today feeling very groggy and tired so I went back to bed after I had breakfast and took my medication. I woke up again about two and a half hours later feeling much better. I did my exercises and then spent some time doing a bit of writing and thinking about my aquarium.

I’m still feeling better than I did for a while there, but I’m not where I want to be. I’d rather be sitting at a 7 or 8 on my mood scale. I don’t really know how to describe it other than I’m still not feeling right. Maybe a little down, I’m not sure.

J got home and we took off almost right away to get to the hospital for my appointment with Dr W. Our plan was to arrive early so that we could get flu shots at the pharmacy, but they didn’t have them ready yet so we went to the cafeteria and talked for a while.

My Dr W appointment went pretty well. Dr W reminded that keeping active will help my recovery. On the days that it feels impossible to do anything, any activity is better than just staying in bed.

We also discussed my medications but decided not to do anything this week. We may look at the lorazepam again next week. That would be good – it would really feel like a win if I could go entirely off one of my medications without any bad effects. Dr W has been very good at managing my medications so I have experienced very few side effects or withdrawal symptoms.

After we left the hospital, I asked J if we could go to the pet store on the way home. She was all for that, and after a little bit of thinking while in the store, we were on our way home with a fish for my aquarium. With J’s help, I decided on a blue betta fish and got some food and snacks for him (it said it was a “he” on the container).

Once we got home I put him in my aquarium and he immediately started exploring. I’m not sure what to name him yet but I think I’m going to wait a few days to make sure he adapts to his new environment first.

I forgot to mention this yesterday but I placed an order for two Raspberry Pi Zero W boards yesterday. I got an email today saying they’ve shipped and should be here early next week. It should be interesting to see just how tiny they really are.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Feeling Better Bit By Bit

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Song: “I believe I can fly” by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Mood: 6.5

This past long weekend was pretty much a write-off for me. I spent far too much time in bed or on the couch and didn’t accomplish much of anything other than changing a light bulb. J kept checking in on me to make sure I was okay (thank you!) but I was just really lacking the oomph to get moving.

Other than my lack of motivation, the weekend went pretty well. I started to feel like another down was coming Sunday evening but it didn’t materialize, which I am very grateful for.

Today has been an okay day. I got up, had breakfast, did my exercises, and spent quite a bit of time reading the book that Dr P let me borrow. I also gave my folks a call and we had a good chat. I tried to get in touch with WG but he’s really busy so I couldn’t get ahold of him. I’ll try again tomorrow. It’s been a while since we got together and went record shopping.

I’m still trying to think through the “who I want to be” problem. Fortunately, I’m in a place right now where it isn’t as distressing to think about as it sometimes is. One of these days I’ll figure it out. I hope.

I’m also thinking about what I want to do with this blog. I find that using it as a journal and a thinking space feels quite therapeutic, but is there more I could/should be doing with it? I’m not sure. If anyone out there has an idea, please feel free to let me know.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr W. I don’t know if we’re going to do any medication changes but if we lower something, that would be great. If things go well (and I have no reason to think they won’t), we may switch the frequency of the appointments to every two weeks, too. He’s very good about me calling between appointments if I’m in trouble or have questions. I’m very lucky to have him as my psychiatrist.

I’m not sure what else I’m going to do tomorrow. It’s relatively nice out for this time of year so I should really get outside and start getting things ready for winter. Winterizing the motorcycle will probably make me a little sad – that happens every year. Getting the snowblower ready before the snow starts falling is probably a good idea too. Maybe I’ll go for a walk.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

The Weekend Is Here

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Song: “Can’t Buy Me Love” by the Beatles

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 1

Today was not very productive. I spent far too much time in bed or sitting on the couch in the basement again. I spent quite a bit of the time thinking but I didn’t really get anywhere. Just more of the same.

After I hauled myself back upstairs I played some more Borderlands and listened to some music. I still don’t feel great but things are better even than yesterday was so I’m pretty happy about that. I hate feeling so down.

I’m still at a loss as to what to put in my little aquarium. I’m leaning slightly towards a betta fish because the tank isn’t very large and the filter only creates a very small current so it shouldn’t be difficult for the fish to swim where it wants to.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do this weekend. It’s a long weekend (happy Thanksgiving!) and J and I don’t have any plans at this point. I really need to tackle the laundry – J helped me out and did a whole bunch when I was feeling really rotten but now that I’m feeling a little better I should really get back at it.

I hope everybody has a good weekend!

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Two Appointments Today

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Song: “Your Daddy Don’t Know” by Toronto

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 2

Things started out a little rough this morning. I got up, had breakfast, and then went back to bed for a couple of hours. Not the best way to start the day but I don’t think I could’ve done anything about it.

Fortunately, after I got up the second time, the day was a little brighter and easier to deal with. I read more of the book that Dr P lent me and went through some mindfulness exercises.

My first appointment today was with Dr P. We talked quite a bit about mindfulness and some different ways I could use it each day, and he took me through a cognitive defusion exercise that’s called “leaves on a stream”. It has to do with thinking of a stream or creek or any flowing bit of water and leaves on the surface. You then put ideas or thoughts onto the leaves and let them float away as they make their way downstream. I will need to practice it but fortunately there are apparently some good videos for it on YouTube.

My other appointment was with Dr W. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with thinking about work and insurance for the last while and he reassured me that the insurance company will not contact me without getting in touch with him first. I feel kind of silly mentioning this stuff to him but it’s at the point where I worry even when the phone rings and it’s my parents calling. Did the insurance company get in touch with them to tell me to call them? It’s ridiculous but I can’t get it out of my head. It’s embarrassing to have trouble answering the phone when family or friends call.

Another good thing happened at my Dr W appointment today. Even though I’ve been feeling down for a while, I have not been having very many panic attacks. It’s been over a week since my last one. As a result, nightly lorazepam has been cut in half from 1mg to 0.5. That means I’m dialed down to a total of 1mg per day, which makes me pretty happy. I still have the rescue lorazepam if I need it but each time my medication is lowered by even a tiny bit, I take it as a win.

My OCD is on a bit of an upswing I think. I spent probably five minutes checking the door locks when I left for my Dr P appointment. I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head that they could be unlocked, even when I was jiggling the doorknob and the door wouldn’t open. I’m having the same problem with (eww) flushing the toilet. When I leave the bathroom I need to go back in and check to make sure. In both cases – standing outside staring at the front door and going back into the bathroom and staring at the toilet – it makes me look kind of weird so I would really like to knock that back a notch or two.

I’m feeling better today than I have in quite a while. I’m glad that things are finally clearing up a bit. I still don’t feel great but I’m pretty happy to be where I am rather than where I was a week ago. I am also very lucky to have a good psychiatrist and a good psychologist helping me through all of this.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Busy Day Tomorrow

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Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

I can only remember having one nightmare last night. That’s an improvement. Other than waking up that one time I think I slept pretty well. I’m still sleeping in more than I should but it’s still quite difficult to get out of bed and face the day.

I listened to a lot of music and played a lot of Borderlands today, and managed to limit the amount of time I spent worrying about work and all the other stuff. I’m kicking myself for not doing time on the treadmill and with the weights over the last while but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to get moving.

Speaking of tomorrow, I’ve got both my Dr P and Dr W appointments in the afternoon. I have some questions for both of them on how to blunt the downs that I experience. I know that recovery isn’t a straight line but the downs I experience are pretty rough. I don’t want to have to worry that I may end up in the hospital again every time I feel things starting to slide.

The days are getting cooler so I need to start thinking about when I’m going to put the motorcycle away for the winter. I doubt I’ll be riding when it gets much cooler (my record is riding at -17C) but I feel terrible that I didn’t spend very much time on the bike this year. I suppose it’s better than last year (I didn’t ride at all) but it’s something I really enjoy and it makes me sad that the riding season is almost done and I haven’t really gone anywhere.

I guess I could say the same thing about all of my hobbies. Dr C told me to force myself to sit down and spend time with my hobbies and I’d enjoy them again, and she was right. The only problem is that it takes an awful lot of effort to sit down and start playing with things again.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Self-Compassion

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There are few things in my recovery that have been more difficult for me to accept than the idea of self-compassion. Each time I was in the hospital, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. Whenever a nurse would sit down with me and talk to me when I was upset, I worried that I was wasting their time. Every day when we would talk, I would feel guilty about taking up Dr W’s time when he had so many other patients to see. Even when working with Dr C, I worried that there were other people who deserved or needed a therapist more than I did and I shouldn’t be bothering her. I felt like I was a burden to everyone who knew me, whether it was J, my family, friends, the staff at the hospital, or my therapist.

While on the ward, I would occasionally hear another patient crying or upset and my heart would break for them. I wanted everyone to get better and have a normal, enjoyable life. Nights were the worst for this sort of thing – sometimes I could hear a single voice crying softly somewhere on the ward and it was difficult for me to handle.

I met a lot of good people while I was in the hospital and some of them had been dealt a really bad hand in life and I would worry about what was going to happen to them once they were discharged. I shouldn’t say “would” – I still worry about them and hope they’re doing well.

I felt guilty and hated myself for being a burden when J or my parents or friends stopped by the hospital for a visit. They all had other things to do and the hospital was quite a bit out of the way for everyone. I really appreciated the visits, I just felt bad that people had to go out of their way to see me.

With all of the effort that I spent worrying about other people, I never spent any time extending the same courtesy to myself.

I was introduced to the concept of self-compassion early in my first hospital stay by one of the therapists during a group session. It seemed like something so simple, yet so strange: take time for yourself and be kind to yourself. The nurses and Dr W repeated the message over and over again. I don’t know how many times Dr W and the nurses told me that I was in the right place and if I wasn’t supposed to be there, they’d discharge me. They also repeated that I needed to be easier on myself and not berate myself for taking up a bed in the hospital.

It took quite a while but I finally started to go easier on myself. With lots of self-compassion exercises in the group sessions, the therapists were always coming up with ways to help people be nicer to themselves. Things as simple as taking time for a two-minute breathing break, to going off the ward for a walk outside, to understanding that everyone was supporting me and just wanted me to get better slowly made me feel better about myself and broke down some of the barriers to my recovery.

Nowadays, instead of worrying that I’m wasting someone’s time or being a burden, I do my best to make sure to thank them for their time instead. I also make sure that I take some time to sit down and try to clear my head and relax each day. I try to remind myself that I’m just as deserving of being well and happy as everyone else is, and I count my blessings every day. Sometimes more than once.

It’s easy for me to fall back into bad habits if I’m not careful, though. I still slip up, and on bad days I find it very hard to understand why anyone would want to help me or even talk to me. When that happens, I try to think about all of the people who I care for and what I would tell them if our situations were reversed. Of course they’d deserve treatment, caring, and love.

And so do I. Even if it sometimes doesn’t feel like it.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Tools

Could Be Worse

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Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

I remember two nightmares from last night; otherwise, I think I slept quite well. I think I slept through J’s alarm this morning, too.

I felt quite groggy again until around 10AM. I had breakfast and then went downstairs to sit on the couch until the fog in my head dissipated. Once my head had cleared, I got up and wandered aimlessly around the house for a while, trying to think of something to do.

One of the fish was in the process of kicking the bucket – swimming sideways and upside down, making big swooping moves up to the surface before floating back to the bottom, that sort of thing. It has since made its way to the giant pond in the sky. We’ve had those fish for almost a year now, so I don’t think we’ve done too badly. These are our first fish, after all.

Dr P loaned me a book on ACT two weeks ago so I sat down to get some more reading done. It’s an interesting book and I can relate to a lot of the scenarios that it mentions. So far, the ACT that I’ve been working on with Dr P has been going well and I think the skills I’m learning will be a good addition to my toolbox.

After I put the book down I went and played Borderlands for a little while, then I pulled a chair up in front of the aquarium and watched the (remaining) fish and shrimp go about their business for a while. I think I’ve said it before but I find the shrimp to be more entertaining and interesting than the fish. They scuttle around all over the tank, eating leftover fish flakes and cleaning the algae off the plants. When they’ve got food in their claws it looks like they’re doing some kind of intricate origami as they eat it. Neat little monsters.

I was supposed to have a Dr W appointment today but it has been rescheduled until Thursday. Fortunately, I’m feeling a little better than I was a couple of days ago so I don’t feel like I’m drowning and need him to throw me a rope. I still don’t feel well but I’ll take where I am now over where I was last week.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do tomorrow. Every time I plan something, I don’t seem to accomplish it and then I feel bad about it. Maybe I’ll just see what happens. There’s always laundry to do.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

A Little Better, Thankfully

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Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

I slept poorly last night. Lots of bad dreams and at least three nightmares woke me up. I don’t know if it’s the change of seasons or something I ate or just some random brain cells having a bit of a party. I think I’m going to start just putting a nightmares counter at the start of my posts instead of saying pretty much every day that I had x number of nightmares…

I got up feeling groggier than normal, but as I poured cereal into a bowl, I realized that I felt a little better this morning. Not great, but better than I have for the last little while. It was nice.

I spent some time writing today and then watched a bunch of YouTube videos. I didn’t spend very much time on the couch at all, and I didn’t go back to bed, either. Despite the fact that I was in a chair most of the day, I’m going to treat it as a win.

It’s weird how this stuff works – if I’m not feeling well and don’t have any energy I can’t do things, but doing things gives me energy and helps make me feel better. I guess that’s why it’s difficult to break out of the rut when I’m stuck on the couch or in bed.

I think I’m going to try and fit a mindfulness walk into my weekly schedule. Dr C, Dr P, and Dr W all agree that getting out of the house is something I should be doing often, and a little bit of exercise is good for everyone. Maybe I’ll talk to J and see if she wants to come along.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Today

Taking a Mindfulness Walk

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Last week I was having a rough time. At my Dr P appointment, he suggested we take what he called a “mindfulness walk”. We went outside and he spent the majority of our session guiding me through the walk and giving me pointers on it.

I felt noticeably better than I did when I’d arrived at his office, so I’ve added this to my list of tools that I can use to help myself when I’m feeling down.

Here’s what we did.

The weather was pleasant so we went outside of the building and started walking around the neighbourhood. Dr P asked me some questions and got me to pay attention to what was going on around me.

What kinds of smells were there outside? I was able to smell the earthy scent of fallen leaves and the pleasant smell of freshly cut grass.

How did the wind feel as it moved against my skin, hair, and clothing? Did it feel cool? Did it leave me feeling any different? How did it feel as I breathed it in and back out?

What could I see? The different colours in the leaves, the difference in leaves between different kinds of trees, the erratic patterns of the cracks in the pavement, the differing colour of the houses and their lawn ornaments, even the drastic differences in the colour between the different vehicles parked along the street. Geese flying up above, squirrels running along tree limbs, and even other people we passed by. Brightly coloured and mottled fish going slowly about their day at the base of a fountain, slight flicks of their tails propelling them lazily through the water.

What could I hear? Traffic from the next block over that sounded almost like constant static instead of individual moving cars. The chatter of water falling from the fountain where the fish lived, the whoosh of a car as it approached and then moved away, the wavering sound of a lawn mower in the distance up ahead. The honking geese and chittering squirrels.

We picked up some leaves and spent some time concentrating on them – their colour, shape, texture, and how quickly they warmed up in our hands. Some of the plants were a surprise and didn’t feel anything like I expected them to based on how they looked.

There is an incredible amount of stuff out there to pay attention to. Don’t judge anything as being good or bad, it’s just something to experience. It’s easy enough to say, “Wow, those cracks in the road are terrible,” but it’s more important to just concentrate on the cracks themselves. Are there plants or moss growing out of them? Are they jagged or pretty straight? Do they branch off a lot? Just look at everything for what it is.

Autumn is here and the weather is now grey and gloomy. I think I’m going to try going to one of the large grocery stores in the area one day when it’s not busy and see if I can do a mindfulness walk in there. If I can, then I’ll be able to do that no matter how cold, hot, or rainy it is outside. A grocery store would be interesting – there are a lot of sights, smells, textures, and sounds in there.

Doing walks like this helps me concentrate on the present – the world around me. If I concentrate on the present, it helps to put the things I’m worrying about or have no control over on the back burner, at least for a little while. Sometimes a bit of a break can do wonders.

Stay safe.

Posted in: Tools